To have bought this child school shoes?

I understand that you acted with good intentions. However, I can understand that Sophie's mum felt you crossed a line. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are obviously very kind and empathetic. Let it go

I think you overstepped but if you were going to do it you really ought to have framed it as having found a pair of your daughters at home that shes grown out of and you forgot to return them in the returns period or as a gift from a grandparent that wont get used and so you are giving them to your Dds friend and no need to give them back and they can keep them or pass on to charity.

It’s off topic of the original post but if you don’t believe in birth control and can’t afford more children you shouldn’t be having sex. It’s unfair on everyone mostly their existing children.

If they don’t believe in birth control does that mean there will be more pregnancies. I understand they come from a different culture but they do also need to be responsible and make sure that they don’t have more children if they can’t afford to take care of them.
i don’t think having children should be just for the rich and think we should support people to afford families but there should be a limit on it.

their legal situation also sounds very precarious.

Ok, I understand, thanks for explaining. They are in very difficult circumstances.

Why someone would have a third baby in those circumstances. Third babies to me are a luxury in a sense - you have a child, your child has a sibling. If you are struggling financially why go again? Most people I know stopped at two and they’re not struggling they just know children are costly.

Off topic OP but I’m very curious. This couple are living in a mouldy one bedroom flat with two children & she’s pregnant? That’s odd to me.

I don’t know what to think about the shoes. I think it was very well intentioned to be fair to you but a bit clumsy maybe. It’s quite a big gesture to get a child who isn’t related to you shoes.

Lots of interesting outlooks here!

I don't think you should have lied, that would make the situation ten times worse.

I think clearly Mum has taken in a bit of a 'you can't provide for your child and sent her to school in broken shoes so I got some' which clearly wasn't your intention but people can get sensitive about these things. I think a text beforehand would have been best.

In terms of dealing with it now I would send a message saying something like 'Hi, hope you're good you seemed a bit off at the park. It's probably just me being silly/overthinking but I hope I didn't overstep by picking up shoes for Sophie. I knew by the time Dad picked her up from mine there wouldn't be time to go shoe shopping intime for the next day and Clarks isn't far from mine so we just popped in but in hindsight I probably should have dropped you a text. Do you fancy coming over Friday for a cuppa and the girls can play?' Or similar. Kind of acknowledge but in a way that let's her brush it off if she wants to.

*you do not buy other children shoes"

We will have to disagree.
I think op did nothing wrong. I think op has done a very kind thing, which I would do as well . You're the one generalising here. I'm not changing my mind cos you say so. Pretty sure the same with you. There's no one rule that applies to everyone and every situation. And as you can see from many replies, I'm the the only one who thinks so.

'I do agree about the global problem of disconnect. However I feel it a lot more in Anglo saxon countries'

You want to be careful about making sweeping negative generalisations based on 'countries'. As I have previously said, it's a bit xenophobic.

You do not buy other children shoes. You help in other ways, support in other ways you 'connect' in other ways (even if one is from an 'Anglo saxon- country').

Agree. I grew up very poor and always very much appreciated things like this. Specifics aside I'm sure the child appreciated having new shoes without holes.

It's interesting you use the words I'm free to "correct" you :) that's patronising. I can be patronising too you see, and tell you I'm "correcting" you. But this leads us nowhere.

I do agree about the global problem of disconnect. However I feel it a lot more in Anglo saxon countries. Also wanted to highlight I never mentioned brits not being compassionate. Generalisations are terrible, but British society tends to be compassionate. What I have an issue with is the fear of offending having gone mad, that results in compliance. And let's be honest, it's the easy thing to do, not taking any action. So people find all sorts of excuses not to intervene. Maybe it's also a fear of confrontation, I don't know.

'Yes it might of been done on impulse but it was a genuinely nice gesture done with absolutely NO malicious intent while these people are purposefully being horrible and trying to make you feel bad about it! Yes, you admit you maybe should of texted her first'

It doesn't matter that she might have done it on impulse, she shouldn't have. She of course should have texted first. You don't go wading in busybodying like this. Tact and diplomacy are basic societal norms. The op should have provided dry socks, mentioned the wet feet and left it at that.

It makes me laugh, all these people judging you, calling you names and assuming things about you yet they are missing the irony that they are actually acting worse than they accuse you of! Yes it might of been done on impulse but it was a genuinely nice gesture done with absolutely NO malicious intent while these people are purposefully being horrible and trying to make you feel bad about it! Yes, you admit you maybe should of texted her first, you admit that while you don't understand why anyone would be embarrassed you do see that your friend may feel that way. Personally I think she is embarrassed because she must of known her daughters shoes were badly worn, the soles of shoes don't drop off in one day. Buying her daughter new ones would make her realise she should of done it and maybe couldn't 😔 But you are not a bad person, and judging by some of these comments you're better than some!

I think what the Op isn't understanding is that it isn't necessarily the actual buying of the shoes, but how it was done.
And her Op is all about the pleasure it brought her, nothing about thinking of the little girl or her parents. The fact she doesn't say how delighted "Sophie" was says that either Sophie wasn't, or that at any rate it is irrelevant whether she liked it or not because what matters is the Op's pleasure.

There are 101 ways of gifting a little girl a pair of new shoes without looking patronising. Handing them over with a box and making it clear that she'd noticed her shoes were leaking is not one of them.

"Had these shoes given to me, and we're not going to use them, I wondered if you could?" is the easiest, but there's so many ways of not giving it over with a fanfare, even pretending she's had a buy one get one free voucher from a scheme or something, or she did something that broke the shoes (dog grabbed them out of her hand?) so felt so guilty she had to buy more ones.

The huge majority of replies are telling you that you were unreasonable and kinda patronising, replies that you asked for on an open forum.

Instead of taking and learning from that feedback you get defensive and borderline rude because YOU ARE RIGHT.

You sound like hard work - no wonder your "friend" got upset.

Just to add to my post- things have been a bit tight for me in the last year. I have a friend who has a son just a bit older than me and she was giving me a lot of hand me downs of her sons, jackets etc- it was very kind of her but things aren't so tight that I can't afford a winter coat when needed.
She makes a big song and dance of it though and comments every time my children wear something she's given them- and even pointed out to a neighbour who had asked if I wanted to buy some of her sons clothes (designer) that she gives me things so I probably couldn't afford it - that made me livid.

I'd just make sure you don't mention it or make notice of it again which might be more embarrassing for her (it doesn't sound like you do of course).

I don't think you did anything wrong- and I think what you did was very very kind.

I would probably have made up a story like they were spares of your daughters, or that you were buying your daughter a pair and friend really liked them so you just picked a pair up for her too.

Don't overthink it though, her mum was probably just embarrassed.

Such a lovely gesture but I think the mother will be feeling embarrassed and awkward that she sent Sophie to school in a pair of shoes that you thought were so beyond wearing again that they must be immediately replaced. She may have been well aware they did need replacing but could not afford to or she may not have felt they were for the bin yet - either way probably making her feel inferior! Don’t make a habit of this but otherwise I wouldn’t worry as it was a very kind thing to do. Xxx

So, how has your friend been with you since?

Surely this is massively relevant to this post!

If the mum is still being distant with you, then she’s probably still upset about you overstepping by buying the shoes. She might also feel uncomfortable with you doing a personal thing for her child - like you’re playing at being her mum.

As others have said, there was absolutely no need for you to have bought those shoes. The child was supposed to be in your house playing with your DD, which she could have managed perfectly well, not taken on an unplanned and unneeded trip to Clarks where you proceeded to ‘play mum’ with her. How upsetting for her actual mum.

As a previous poster said, how would you feel if your daughter went round to a friend’s house, got wet hair - and the friend’s mum, instead of lending her a towel or a hairdryer, took her to Vidal Sassoon’s to have a haircut. It’s totally inappropriate and unnecessary. You did it for you not the child, and no wonder that has creeped out the mum.

OP let it go. I once gave a winter coat to the 3rd child of a family who were clearly not dressing their kids for the cold weather or even buying them the right size things. The kid wore the coat but the mother never spoke to me again. It is about shame. And pride and I understand it.