Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

She's not your good friend OP, whatever you may think.

I would be really annoyed about this. What I find quite shabby is she's not once apologised for messing you around and leaving you high and dry. Instead just reams of endless excuses for her shabbiness. She encouraged you to go and knew you had booked. A decent thoughtful person wouldn't have let you get that invested if they already knew it was far from their mind. They would have forewarned you they may not go, before letting you buy tickets you can't get a refund on now. I really don't think this lady is your friend. Far from it. She's behaved pretty crappy in this.

Absolutely agree. Happened to me recently with an old friend and I’ve dropped her like a stone.

👆🏻agreed, Mary needs to apologise. You need to stop feeling guilty, as you did NOTHING wrong

Mary needs to bloody well apologise.

Well at least you know you are popular op if both sets of friends are asking you to go away with them!

Mary owes you a big apology though. Very graceless of her to double down.

I'd be annoyed. Your friend is thoughtless & selfish. Note for next time though, always book at the same time to ensure friend follows through.

Just a thought @anxiousannie2022 , can you amend the name on the flight? I booked a non-refundable flight with easyJet but there is the option to offer it to someone else and change the name, for a fee (probably a hefty fee, knowing them!). Do the gang who are going know of anyone else who might buy your flights off you?

I think you've started to express your disappointment and then when Mary defended herself you backed down immediately, so you're always going to feel miffed and unresolved. You said Mary was the one who was on at you to go on the Lisbon trip because it was such fun last time. And now she doesn’t like the people? Far too much back and forth on those messages because you're oscillating between expressing yourself and then taking it back.

It's perfectly possible to be miffed with a friend, let them know, and you both move on from it and remain friends

This- she’s treating you really badly.

Do any of the group you’re going away with live near you? You could try and organise a few drinks, or even just coffee, so you know some of them a bit better before you go. But do go. Friends have done this to me before, and on one occasion the weekend away, that I went on anyway, was the start of new friendships that are still going 25 years later.

These two women who are messing you about are close friends?? Shakes head in disbelief.

You didn't damage the friendship she did, and tbh her response was a bit shitty too, if not be quite as pissed off if she'd just apologised and owned the issue, rather than the reasons she gave.

£300 is no small amount of money and of course I expect you have to take time off work which is also precious. I'm sore you'll have a lovely time, and hopefully make some new friends as I'm not sure your current friends value you as much as you value them.

YANBU, it was a shitty thing for them to do to you

Don't be upset that this may have damaged your friendship as you didn't do it! All you did was notice what she had done and ask her about it. She then employed the DARVO technique to shift her guilt to you. Not much of a friend. I'd put her somewhere "so far from my mind" in future. Particularly when she wants something from you - thinking she'll be the sort to invite you to a baby shower for free gifts - best to be unavailable or don't respond or say you are coming and cry off at the last minute.

I'd leave it as an awkward silence as she really needs to apologise for messing you around and costing you a fair amount of money. It looks as though she won't apologise or even accept that her behaviour was inconsiderate so you'll probably get silence until she wants something. When she does you can say that you can't afford it as the holiday has wiped you out as far as socialising goes for the current time.

Hope you do go on the trip and have a great time and post lots of pictures of it!

Mary is not your friend she's a selfish asshole. I can't believe she used the lame excuses TTC to as a reason she couldn't go on a weekend trip. it's just ridiculous.

Then she tried to twist it back on you, making it look like you're the bad guy. I would ditch Mary for good.

I hope you have a good time with this new group and that some better friendships come out of it

The only mistake you have made is to think that Mary is your friend.

She is not.

She's tried to cover up the shitness of her friendship and behaviour by detailing stuff that's going on in her life. Well guess what, everyone has stuff going on.

You need to get rid of all of them.

Cancel your flights if possible and ghost this bunch of bitches.

Being busy and distracted is absolutely no excuse. If I'm reading this correctly, she said she would book when she had a free minute. But actually never wanted to go because she doesn't like some of the people going. Being busy doesn't mean that it's OK to commit to a trip with other people who you know will book and pay, even when you've got no intention of going.

She also bullshitted you with TTC excuses which weren't valid given she was planning another trip at the same time, for which TTC wasn't a consideration.

She is giving you a load of justification for behaviour that isn't OK, and hasn't once acknowledged that this has wasted a load of your money.

Basically she didn't think about the effect on you at all, and still doesn't now it's been pointed out. I'd be mortified if someone had shelled out for a trip away with me (when it's obvious it was to go with me and not the wider group) and then I didn't go.

Honestly OP, it sounds like Mary has done you a favour by dropping out. Now you don't have to spend a holiday with her being tedious. Hope you enjoy the trip and make lots of new friends.

If anything you have been too reasonable. This was a s!@t thing to do to you. At least they should give you the money you will lose.

I think you need to place a higher value on yourself in all this. Your friend made this Lisbon trip sound amazing, then didn't bother to tell you she'd changed her mind until after you'd committed to it. (Next time, if there is a next time, you'll know better than to book until you've confirmed that she has, as well.) Instead of caring about that, she's weaseling out of her role in it and trying to make you feel guilty for being understandably disappointed by the whole situation.

You're worrying about how your words may have damaged the friendship, but she's apparently not worried that she's doing damage. If anything has changed between you two, she's more to blame, imo.

Mary is a bitch - she has treated you badly and is doubling down out of embarrassment. Don’t let her off easy! Bet her weekend with Ann is the same weekend and she knew all along!

So sanctimonious with all the “this trip is so far from my mind” as if she is so busy and important! Don’t apologise for sticking up for yourself - she’s one for the bin.

I really cannot be bothered with people who flake out on you and then have a super serious excuse for why they can't come (but still no excuse for why they didn't say no earlier). I have a colleague who does this. Doesn't turn up, then waits for you to ask where she is and it turns out her dog was run over or she was mugged or a close family member was rushed to hospital that morning or something. I think she likes the drama of being the victim. "I was giving actual CPR to little Fluffy but all that callous bitch could think about was whether I was joining her Zoom call."

I have no idea why 'trying for a baby' is any kind of excuse! The trip was just a few days, not months!
I agree - they should have told you for sure if they weren't going as soon as they had second thoughts.

Mary doesn't sound like a good friend at all. Even if she had just gone "Oh my gosh Annie, you're so right, I convinced you to go on that trip and it's just been so hectic here I should have kept you up to date with what was happening. I'm so sorry." you would have been absolutely fine with that I expect.

Don't message anything further to her. She has behaved appallingly and minimised your feelings and costs. If she is at all decent she will realise that eventually.

I wouldn’t worry about that. It was really awful of her to not give you a heads up she might not be going. I think I would have done a quick triple check that they were ready to book before I did, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have let you know when they started having doubts.

I used to be friends with someone who behaved like this with me on one occasion.

Note the use of the words used and once.

These people are not your friends, I would distance myself from them.