Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

Did you go in the end OP? And are you still friends with Mary? Does she still have as much of a brass neck?

"nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen"

This sentence all.on it's own is selfish and thoughtless.. she could have simply written " I'm so sorry you're absolutely right , I should have given you a heads up but I really didn't think " end of and op, you sound more then reasonable, you understand they have their own lives that's their priority.. shame they don't recognise this for you.

Glad to see most supported you

@HollyKnight this is what happened

But this poor woman could book a trip with another friend for April ( original trip in May) despite all these problems?

You kept telling her you understand and that it's all ok, would be grand.

People like Mary are unreliable. We all know priorities can change but if you are at that stage in life, better not involve in your erratic life. She didn't have to try to convince you to go on this trip.

I think a lot of people told you that YANBU but you're still confused, so I think now you need to decide yourself.

In short. You paid a price for trusting your friends.

If you tell them that.
How do they respond and act?
Based off their reactions and actions /behaviour, what do you want to accept for yourself?

You can't make people be nicer than what they are.

Im sorry to hear how this has gone
My views

As your friends knew when you were planning to book. And knew they were the two people you actually knew on the trip. And they were the ones who invited you.
They should have told you before payday, if theyre nice people and considerate - that they were having second thoughts. And that actually they are not sure if they'll go.
Them giving certainty and then reducing that breaks trust. So yes thats them being bad friends.

Equally them doing the same thing twice about inviting you on trips then saying they're not sure after - they're repeating that behaviour.

There is no excuse for being inconsiderate. Ie fair enough they have stuff going on but it doesnt mean it detracts from the effect of their behaviour on their friend ie you.

Things to takeaway

• if you plan to go on trips, especially with these people, make sure they have booked before you book. Better yet get them to book for you both and pay them back when you are there in person. That way they'll be way less likely to keep dropping out.
• i would re evaluate how close you are to these people. Nice you see them ect but it doesnt sound safe for your peace to be planning big expensive activities with them when they're unreliable and inconsiderate towards you.

At this stage, as you.
Go and make the best of it because you cant get the money back. Unless its going to be a lot more than the expense youve already covered.
Maybe you can alter plans and do a more you trip instead of meeting up with that group. Ie make good use of the flights.

Be very straight with your friends that because they had given you a clear yes then flaked and not told you. It has cost you money and eroded at sense of trust you have in the friendship. If you just say how you feel. And leave it at that. Then they know.
And if they're nice friends having a major wobble, they will care.
If they are not such great friends, they won't care, will continue to behave in an inconsiderate manner, and i personally think you're wellbeing and happiness would be improved if you choose to spend time with people who care more about you and how their actions impact you. Ie are responsible for their actions.

If they were nice, its fair to have personal stuff its fair that they may think you'd double check to be cautious.
But it's also fair that they as friends should care if theyve let you down, and also show that in changed behaviour. And saying sorry rather than excuse making.

Anyone can have busy reasons, but just because you are busy with one thing doesnt mean its mutually exclusive to how that impacts other things.
/people. Even if it's out of ignorance.

Ie if you walk into someone, or drop something on them by accident or just didn't think, you can still care if they experience upset as a cause of your actions.
Thats the issue with your friends. Is its they're okay maybe didnt have bad intentions. But also it was inconsiderate. But really the issue is when you raise it and they don't care.

You did have the power to mitigate the situation by asking them the day you book flights for solid confirmation.
Your risk for trusting your friends and not doing that meant that you now pay the price.
It sucks.

But you do have the power to:

• not make the same decision with trust and bookings. Ie check.
• choose different friends that care more about you.

If you do both of those in future you will be happier.
Although you cant go back and implement that.

And jt also sucks that you had that level of trust with your friends and they let you down.

Why do you feel awful??
there weren’t any circumstances preventing her to go on the trip that should make you feel awful.
she just was flaky friend!

I think rather than saying, 'my understanding was...' you should have been direct and just asked- why did she ask you to go if she wasn't sure of going and why did she say last time was a lot of fun and much later said, they didn't like people on the group to the point of not booking another trip.

Mary is out of order.

She convinced you to join her non a trip, then found out people where going she didn't like. Decided not to go herself and don't bother to tell you.

We all have stuff going on in our lives. She's totally manipulating you to feeling bad for raising it but honestly, she's a shit friend.

And she knows too well you wouldn't have considered the trip if she wasn't going, but has no remorse whatsoever.

She is DARVO inc you.

Yep, this is what I thought.

But Mary is already booking other trips - London weekend - with mates, so none of it can be that bad.

Ultimately, she's out of order.

Mary has used every reply to you to say that her life is so much more important and has never said sorry in any form. She’s turning it round as though you’re being unreasonable every time. That’s the most annoying bit, and what indicates she’s not a great friend. I’ve had loads going on in my life too, and probably been a bit flaky sometimes, but if I was in Mary’s position I’d be mortified if I’d forgotten to tell you that I wasn’t going and you spent £100s.
I hope you have a great trip and that you make better friends while there. I’d let Mary and her terribly important life slide onto the back burner personally.

This.

All they needed to do was text you directly and say... I'm not 100 per cent sure I can make this trip ( too many uncertainties here atm). and then you wouldn't have booked.

And they could have just said up front, we don't like some of the other girls without guilt tripping you about IVF etc... and as for casually saying go on your own ( we don't want to go but you can if it shuts you up)

Sure they have life issues like everyone else (the reality speech - was patronising and lecturing) but I think they left you high and dry. Perhaps this was not deliberate but they both sound quite self centred.

However it sounds like you can make the best of it as you are sociable. But I hope if they do expect an apology for having the "cheek" to question their actions that you won't make it a fulsome one.

@HollyKnight thank you, I must indeed be Superwoman, as I managed to be the carer for my dying father and my demented mother, whilst having a son and a job, without turning into a twat who disregarded my friends.

A text takes ten seconds, and an apology is faster than a self-justifying rant.

So maybe I'm just a normal human, unlike self-centered Mary.

I agree with this. It’s pretty clear that, unintentional though it may have been, they have fucked up big time and put you in a shit position. Yes plans change but then you make sure you inform your friend asap so that they can make a decision accordingly. And then to say they don’t really like Jo’s friends anyway?!? Well why the hell would they encourage you to go on the trip in the first place??

And now instead of Mary just owning the fact that she and Ann have been rubbish, and apologising and possibly even trying to sort out the holiday mess, she just comes out with loads of excuses (and they ARE excuses, sorry).

I just couldn’t be doing with the lack of consideration shown throughout this whole debacle. Good friends don’t do that.

Sounds like an absolute nightmare and she should’ve apologised and been straight with you before. I’d distance yourself from her now. She definitely sounds self centred and unreliable/flakey.

I had a similar holiday drama with a best friend. After I’d booked and paid to go on a holiday with her and her family abroad about 3 months before we were due to go away she emailed me to say her partner and father of her DD (whom she’d been separated from but they’d connected casually since the start of the year) wanted to come too instead of me, and gave reasons why they hadn’t had a holiday together when their DD was a baby etc. Of course I was angry and especially as I didn’t think she’d do anything. I demanded my deposit back and then demanded she tell boyfriend I was coming not him and then told her once she’d done that no I’m not coming (I could see she’d hold it against me if I came and not him). But the relationship was over and she mentioned something in passing (just to do with a comment a man had said to her/me) which had annoyed her but really it was deflecting from her behaviour. About 3-6 months after this I thought maybe I overreacted so messaged her on linked in and she seemed friendly. Only to afterwards see comments to a mutual friend about what a bitch and nutcase I was. So after that I definitely blocked deleted and ended things. As per @ChristmasFluff my friend did apologise and bend over backwards to try to resolve this but… I then heard from old friends that she drops friends when a man comes on the scene. And when we were last together on her birthday (a few weeks before her email) she had the chance but not the balls to speak to me then.

Mary sounds like incredibly hard work OP, what do you get from her friendship?

I'd be dropping this melt, 'Mary'.

Personally I'd have wanted to know they had booked before I did. But hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Whether I'd have said something depends on what I hoped to achieve, and realistically, what did you want from the 'calling out'? because there's presumably little that can be done about it now. She's not going to go on the trip, and so the best you'd get is an apology, which is of no practical help.
So I think on balance I'd have been more inclined to just privately add it to my knowledge of Jo, and ammend my own behaviour going forward, specifically not commit myself to anything that relied on her.

Yes, sounds very flaky. I'd be quite hurt if my friends treated me like this. I hope you go on the trip and have a great time with the other ladies. You sound like someone who can make the best of things and deserves to. xx

I do agree with you @Honestmama .

I'm 48 now and personal experience says you're absolutely right.
There was ample opportunity for Mary (as well as Ann) to be upfront about her/their change of plans or any other issues. At best, they didn't consider or care how pulling out would affect OP at all...which of course it has.

Great advice to suggest a wee social before the holiday. Turn a negative into a positive.

YANBU.

I'd be absolutely furious OP! I think you've reacted very calmly, all things considered. You were led to believe the trip was a definite goer, so you booked your flights, a perfectly reasonable thing to, based on the information you were given. But now they've back-tracked and are doing something else!

Now you're on a trip with one occasional acquaintance and a bunch of Randoms. Fuck that.

Mary is NOT a good friend, and Ann isn't much better. Time to start fostering an independent (of Mary and Ann) relationship with Jo I say. The only one of the 3 who actually seems reliable.

You've been royally messed about OP, and now Mary's guilt-tripping you for daring to mind. YANBU.