Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

are you being a perfectionist?

you don't need to iron things / arrange ironing
you don't need to go to the gym
you don't need to spend time meditating
you don't need to cook fancy dinners
you don't need to arrange all sorts of things for the kids - chilled out play at home is good for them.

if at the end of the day, everyone in the house is fed and healthy, you are doing a great job as a parent and you don't need to do more.

Can you detail where exactly you think the stress is coming from? With that much paid help, is it from home responsibilities or work?

If work, then cutting hours is the solution on the face of it. But beware those going down to 4 days in most jobs simply have to carry 5 days of workload in a shorter space, which isn’t fair. Compressed hours is fairer for your pay if you can hack the hours and the extra pressure of squeezing it in.

No offense OP, but you are not actually describing what it is you are struggling with. Is it finding time for exercise? Struggling to keep up with work? House stuff (12h of help is already a lot, what is causing you problem with the rest?).

Anyhow I do relate, and if your work allows I would say that condensed hours could be a good thing to try, it means less of a drop of salary. That's what I do and an extra day off each week definitely compensate for having to fit an extra couple of hours the rest of the week. You don't have to do 100% as well, you could find a compromise with your employer for something between 80-100% on 4 days.

For the house work etc, lowering your standards if a good place to start. Our house is a mess 4 days out of 7, but it's clean and we do tidy when the cleaner comes each week. We've accepted it lol.

For food we split with my husband because I lost it at some point last year trying to do everything on my own. He is responsible for 3 evening meals, he found that box delivery worked better for him so he deals with that, recipes are usually 30-45 min for 4 and he doesn't need to really think about it beyond placing the order. I get the groceries delivered on my day off and prep the other meals.

A word of warning on requesting compressed hours.

Our large financial firm got rid of these for everyone last year - except in some very specific circumstances- with no warning and the mood music was that you were a selfish loafer to have had them in the first place. I'd imagine other companies will follow suit.

could have written this myself.
i work four days over five (so I have two afternoons off to pick up from school). In resort it means I work a full time job in reduced pay, but the flexibility it gives me is worth it. But I still don’t have any time to myself….

How old are kids - if school/pre school age they def need to be sleep trained

What time do they wake in am

Plus you said in the night

Is it habit they wake ? What do you do to get back to sleep

School age is old enough that if wakes early can read a book quietly in bed till 7

Sleep is important so crack that that on the head and you should hopefully feel mentally and physically a bit better with more sleep each night

Many suggest compressing hours - not sure if this is possible

Is dh business successful ? Can he take on extra work for more money

I feel you are blaming yourself for this situation...you start the post by talking about how fortunate you are to have a good enjoyable job and beautiful children. As if it's your fault you havent thought of a logical solution to your "falling apart".
Perhaps this is a perfect valid response to an impossible overload of mind and body.
Maybe change jobs, or sit down with your husband and say there have to be some changes to present set up with his work.

There is nothing in this world that isn't negotiable. If you resigned and lost all those earnings but ditched all the help what would be the financial differential?
Could that be a short term fix just to see how that feels?
The other thing people make the mistake of doing is imaging that if they power through things will get better..it's not true. Children get older but there is always some new challenge or crisis. You have to leave some slack somewhere.

On paper it looks like you have enough support. Provided your dh picks up his share. A man who keeps his finances to himself might be guarding his own time too.
Anyway, some of the symptoms you describe could be linked to perimenopause. Before you detonate your career do get it checked out - by menopause experts not your GP.

It seems to me like you already outsource a lot so I would take a punt and say it’s emotionally too much for you ? Rather than actually physically?

I was in your position ( minus the housekeeper and outsourcing of ironing etc) I’m not sure chucking money at more STUFF will help, rather invest it in yourself.

I would focus on YOU try yoga or meditation or a calm app. It only needs to be 10 mins. Get a life coach maybe ?

and yes. Sleep train.

I’m not familiar with the tale but this is a brilliant analogy. No one can do it all, it’s a lie.

If you can drop a day at work you might find you’re more effective at work than you are now. At the moment, no one is getting what they need from you-especially you!

I don't know about the sleep training if they are not waking constantly. If they're already in full time nursery it may be connection that they are looking for. A gro clock could help early waking though.

Your husband doesn’t get a pass from the home dress because of work. You need to work through this together.
Lack of sleep is a killer - how old are the children?

I agree with pp to take some annual leave and recoup, sleep train children

sound like after school cleaning and gardening are sorted
is you do doing his 50% or are you picking up his slack?

Do not cancel the gardener and use that as your exercise. It will just add to your stress.

Do not reduce your hours and use that time to “get on top of the house”. False economy.

Personally I would take a couple of weeks annual leave, sleep train the kids, and work out what you want to do. Don’t put pressure on yourself to achieve anything.

I’ve been through this and I did find the early morning gym thing helpful. I go to DL 4x a week at 6 or 7am and just do what I fancy, even if it’s just a short swim and a sauna. It has helped me cope with everything else.

I think there is a certain degree of small children are exhausting and accepting life IS hard for a few years. But your DH needs to be doing his fair share. I know you said he has a stressful job but you said you do too. Exercise I do once DC are in bed but also accept it is not always possible and make peace with that. Also making peace with the house not being quite as immaculate and tiny as I'd like all of the time. What are you struggling with most?

Have you sat down and written a list of which things you are struggling with, and what sort of things you are forgetting? Maybe keeping track for a week or so and then reviewing might help you work out where the problem is?

Given the amount of physical help you have, I wonder if it's the organisational / mental load side? Which of you and you DH does all the school stuff, e.g. homework support, reading, keeping track of the endless emails with ad-hoc requests? Who works out the kids need new clothes and sorts them? Who organises kids activities / social lives?

I would try to step back and look at it clinically as a family.

I didn't like the bit where your DH couldn't pay for any more help. How much money is his business making? If you earn more, it makes more sense for him to cut his hours.

You don't need a gardener. Do it yourself; exercise and mental calm. Get the kids their own growing patch
Or get a different job

This OP.

This is also me. No advice as I have no idea how to fix it but solidarity!

I work 4 days compressed hours so get paid thr same but have a day off, though it's with my kids. You could do this but have a day off proper.

Suspect you have a "DH problem"? He says he doesn't have enough slack in his finances for more paid help. How much do you know about his finances? Appreciate it's harder with the self-employed.

Is he pulling his weight with night-wakings? Food-supply? Tidying?

Are both kids nursery age? I agree with the posters suggesting a week's holiday for sleep and thought.

It’s a general overwhelming feeling. But can you be more specific about the things you feel you are ‘failing’ at, which is probably causing you stress.

I felt the same way and cut off a chunk of my work, just so I felt more present for the kids with capacity to help with homework or whatever. That’s what I felt I was failing at, because before they were just staring at tv whilst I was catching up with work on the laptop. If you can identify the issue more clearly it might point towards a solution.

I really don't understand where this obsession with going to the gym comes from.
More expense, more demands, more being told how to "perfect yourself".
OP needs sleep and to stop having to think about other people all the time.
A brisk walk in the sunshine is exercise and headspace...it's always available.

I think you need to work out exactly what causes you stress - normally its having to do housework or no flexible childcare - but you have this. 12 hours housekeeping seems huge!
Is it life admin? guilt? cooking/shopping?
if you cut down your hours you'd presumably then have to do the work that the paid help is now doing- does that feel less stressful?

Can't you go to the gym during work times- then it doens't impinge on your sleep and gives you a break

There are simply too many men opting out of doing the hard parts of childcare because of "work". Where there is a will, there's a way. It sounds like your husband lacks the will? He needs to step up more so that you don't have a nervous breakdown or give up your career.

I used to work as an EA for 5 C-suite execs and the amount of absolute bullshit they fed their wives was unbelievable. You'd think they were working their fingers to the bone, the way they were going on, only to stay at work and avoid family dinner and bed time etc etc. It's disgusting and I don't believe any work is so critical that you can happily let your partner flounder.