Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

Having been there, although without the big house or housekeeper, I would strongly suggest dropping a day at work. I went down to 4.5 days in 4 and now I have 4 days work, 3 days weekend so am much less stressed, and I actually get to see my kids.

Re-reading the OP it looks like you have childcare upto bedtime several days a week as well. When do your DC actually spend time with you? If the only time they get your attention is during the night and by waking early, then that's what they are going to do. How much of your time does this big important job actually take/need?

I am going to repeat my advice from another thread. How old are you?
I became a mother at 42. High pressure career, main wage earner, large house and garden etc etc. Then COVID. Slowly boiled like a frog until I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't manage and was in constant state of anxiety and panic. Dropping balls and thinking I had lost the plot and would have to stop working. I thought it was stress/life/situation but, of course, it was entirely hormone related. GP initially gave me sertraline which reduced the panic and I went to a specialist menopause clinic for HRT. I am 100% back to my capable and ambitious self and am back gliding through life at 51. Worth considering.

A different perspective to those saying to reduce the 12 hours housekeeping/cleaning: we have a nanny housekeeper who does 9 hours while the kids are at school. As well as doing kids laundry she irons, deals with the grocery delivery and keeps the house organised and tidy which, when you both work long hours, is invaluable. I ask her to do ad hoc household tasks as well. It relieves a huge burden and means that, when we finish work, the house is tidy and ordered.

I would revisit what is done in the 12 hours and reprioritise what is most important or helpful for you.

It’s really hard when they are small and still waking multiple times at night, you have my sympathy 💐
sounds like you never get to ‘switch off’ mentally, you’re either flat out thinking about work or flat out thinking about the family?
my advice is to be more selfish! No one is going to willingly give you that time, you need to claim it back which if you are a giver/people pleaser will be a mental hurdle to get over but you can do it!
my DC is older now but during those years, on my days in the office I literally got up and walked out of the house, leaving DH to do everything and it worked because he had no alternative than to make it work. I also went to an exercise class once a week straight after work so he had to run the whole show that evening as well. He also worked full time in a demanding role.
Having wfh days absolutely helps so see if that is possible, we do opposite days so someone is always at home but we aren’t getting in each other’s way and whoever is home does a couple of lunchtime admin tasks when needed (car insurance, builders quotes, booking classes and activities etc)
also we have a massive family planner calendar on the kitchen wall and everything goes on there - childcare, appointments, classes, PE kit needed etc. We literally sit down on a Sunday after dinner and plan the week as a family which means nothing is in anyone’s head and we all know who is meant to be where with what on which day. It’s a game changer.

Don't ditch the exercise.

Do ditch the ironing!

A cleaner 12 hours a week and a gardener really struck me. You must have a big house! Could you reduce the cleaner to 4 hours a week and cut the gardener's hours, which might give you a chance to work one day less a week or even go part time? In your shoes, I'd ditch the gardener, which is a luxury when you're running yourself into the ground.

This is me (except I have 3 kids) I ended up feeling like I was at burn out. I went to see a therapist and I eventually ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD. It explains so much.

In terms of practical tips, I outsource as much as I can (gardener, cleaner, laundry guy) and the big one - we have a nanny who looks after me as much as she does the kids.

Also, without sounding massively patronising, DH and I set aside one evening in the week to go out for dinner without the kids (nanny babysits) We start the evening by running through what is coming in the week ahead, agreeing on decisions that need making (anything from where shall we go on holiday this summer to should we get the living room cleaned?), and assigning things (I'll phone the rug cleaning guy, you shortlist three hotels for the summer holiday)

On paper you've got loads of help. I suspect your DH is not pulling his weight, using the Big Important Job card.

Guess what, your job is big and important too. The default response should not be for you to make things work, it's to identify where the stress points are and what you as a family do about them. If your DH won't engage with doing things differently, there's your answer.

DH and I both have full on financial services jobs so I feel you.

Having a mothers help- nanny and cleaner combo works well for us as she can be flexible about emptying the washing machine during nanny time etc. Works better than a cleaner just for cleaning. What does yours do for 12 hours?

We batch cook at the weekend (cooking is a hobby rather than a chore for me at the weekend). Big use of COOK meals, and very easy things like rotisserie chicken with jacket potatoes and microwave green veg.

But both of us pull our weight. DH sees our child and house as equally his responsibility.

Why do you need childcare up until bedtime? Are you and your DH working evenings too?

4 days is a bargain for a lot of businesses as they get to pay you 4 days salary but get more than 4 days work out of you invariably. Despite that was still a godsend for me when the kids were small.

I don't know why so many posters are telling OP to ditch the exercise when she states it benefits her MH?

My daily morning run is crucial to my mental health so it would be among the last things to go tbh.

I agree with other posters OP - reduce your hours or see if you can WFH two days a week.

I would access some CBT therapy for managing stress/anxiety. Or hypnotherapy. Try meditation or yoga. Exercise could h help but maybe 2-3 times a week.

Also the 4 days is a good idea.

Agree. The problem with being self employed (and a contractor to some extent) is that you expand and fill the time with as much work as you find. The work becomes the fixed parameter rather than the time available.
It’s also hard to turn down work and contracts some you can take too much on at once.

It’s expected at the beginning of a new business that you have to put in a ridiculous amount of hours, but once it’s set up then that’s unsustainable. You have to be very disciplined to manage your time and get a better work life balance.

Make sure you and dh have equal amounts of leisure and brain strain.

Minimize work required - buy clothes that don't need ironing, get garden made to be low maintenance, do easy cooking. If DC are at private school, move them to state school and use the money to free yourselves up.

I often think of these common deathbed regrets - wishing you'd worked less and spent more time with family is a common one. https://metro.co.uk/2024/03/12/5-common-deathbed-regrets-according-a-nurse-20447590/ I know it's not that easy when you have financial commitments etc. But kids are only little for a short while and if you work yourselves into a nervous breakdown or heart attack, something will have to give anyway.

I think you really need to sit with pen and paper and see what you want to focus of your life to be, you sound like you feel out of control and too thinly spread. What's important and what can be dropped?

Also. hard agree your Dh should also be dropping time at work - this is family life.

Op - I work in a sector which can be very high pressured - and I will tell you this - I do not regret de-prioritising my career and working part time - I have achieved a lot still - I've had to drop days but - in the long run I have still managed to do important (to me) work - it has just taken longer ! I've moved slower but I've still had a career that matters to me.

I've kept going in the right direction and once my kids are older teens (they are tweens at moment) -I will accelerate again!

Life is short - it's okay to admit you cannot do TWO important jobs fulltime - parenting and the paid job.

Why not take the day off a week and then use that to potter about at home, relax get shit done /life admin/ have a coffee with friends - pick the kids up, organise playdates - the years go fast.

my son is now through the whole playdate thing - he is at secondary and I no longer need to collect him etc. It does pass.

I am so glad i allowed a bit of time in my life to actually LIVE

and - if you met me you would consider me to have a good job/ career/ achieve interesting things - but - there have been many many days I've been at home/ collecting kids while life has gone on and I've felt very left out of the work vibe.

Could you cut down to work from home a day a week or go down to 4.5 days to buy you some room?

I think it's the DH with his "full on" job that could be the issue. Even with all that paid support if OP is the one doing all the night and early wakings, drop offs and pickups and organisation of everything including gardener, then she is spinning all the plates.

I'd see if a fairer split of responsibilities can be made e.g.anything to do with garden DH sorts it out, he does early mornings with DCs half the week.

Struggling to see why your husband isn’t helping more. The whole point of running your own business is that he’s his own boss. You might get sacked if you perform poorly, he cannot be. If your salaries can’t support the lifestyle you want (that really is a lot of help you have in the house) then something needs to give. I have the same set up as you - very highly paid job but the difference is my DH takes the flexibility from being his own boss to be a very present father.

Id also echo annual leave and sleep training.

It sounds like it’s work rather than home/children as you have what sounds like full time childcare, and the housekeeper?

have things changed at work - different projects, different responsibilities? How long have you been back from maternity leave?