Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

@Spaggybollynese
I hope you are ok. This thread popped up again after someone awoke the zombie and I just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gong to suggest that you compress your hours into 9 days in every 2 weeks and take time for yourself and getting a handle on the organisation tasks in peace.
You and your DH both have big and demanding jobs and if he doesn't have the resilience to share the load then he needs to support you to do the additional load.
If 1 day in every 2 weeks for you can't be managed then one of you (don't make me suggest him!) needs to take 3 days a month all at once to organically de the big things.
Good luck x

THIS 100%

Reduce your workload - no-one can do 2 jobs and do both properly. It is simply not feasible. The only reason for doing this would be poverty. If you can afford it, then do it.

What are you actually running round doing? Surely there can't be much left after 12 hours of cleaning. Most people that have cleaners have them for 2 hours every other week!

I suggest stop doing everything except cooking and washing up and laundry and looking after the children. Do a little basic tidying once a week for an hour. Eat freezer food with salads.

But other than that reassess your lifestyle, cut costs, cut your hours. Life is too short. You are obviously loaded - you don't need to be rich to be happy. Is your husband on board? Or is he part of the problem?

Do you feel that it's reasonable to keep on adding in pressure to a human and never expect them to reach the limits of what they're able to do? Or do you feel there's a point at which the way you are living and the choices that you're making are no longer working for you?

The tears and feeling like you're "cracking up" and out of body, is you clearly telling yourself, that you're beyond the limit of what is possible for you right now. You need to listen. There's not a secret that you're missing that will enable you to cope ad infinitum.

Your lifestyle isn't sustainable and something will have to give, preferably not you. Your children need you in one healthy happy piece, not rocking in a corner of your huge beautiful house because of stress due to life choices. What are you trying to achieve in your time on this earth? Seriously, have a think about what's important and what you want to show your children about what is important? Would you want them tying themselves into similar knots at age 40? If not, why not?

It may be perimenopause, it may not, but either way things aren't going to get a hell of a lot easier on that score in the next decade more than likely, so you need to throw off some of your pressure to enable you to cope in the medium and longer term, not sit in your pyjamas eating crisps for a week. Although to be fair, that doesn't sound awful, but it won't help you in any significant lasting way.

This is nonsense. You can’t test for the perimenopause with a blood test. Diagnosis is based on symptoms since hormone levels vary to wildly throughout the day anyway. You need to see a different doctor.

Havjng said that, you may be years off the perimenopause. I believe the average age is 45. It sounds like you Or your husband just need to reduce your hours or pay for more help.

Actually, I do have some advice. Have you tried doing less? Delegate at work. Book a holiday but keep childcare in place so you can just relax for a week or so.

Exercise less. There's actually an interesting study where they took very busy people in high pressure jobs at risk of a heart attack and told them to regularly exercise.

Those told to regularly exercise were SIGNIFICANTLY more likely to have a heart attack, because the pressure of adding more tasks to their busy workload caused them significant stress.

You definitely don't need to do more exercise, or to do MORE things. You're burning out. You need to sit in your pyjamas and watch box sets for a week to recharge. Your body will thank you for it

No advice but I'm in the same boat! Have you asked work about WFH? Personally I find it much easier to WFH and juggle it, but I need to be in the office four days. After my second mat leave I'm planning to request more WFH days

Blood tests are important. It could be all sorts of things not just peri menopause. I think your GP is right. Then you can be given the right specialist if necessary
I for example at 44 found I had hypothyroidism and vit D deficiency not peri menopause at all. So I was treated for right problem (referred to thyroid specialist)
I really feel for you OP, hope things get better soon.

Feeling like you are not 'in' your body is called depersonalisation and can be related to stress (among other things). It can get better but needs time and rest and gentle exercise, not zoom calls and computer screens and mental stress.

Absolutely second this

Sounds like burn out. Would suggest you see your GP and get signed off with stress. Then talk to your employer about what the options might be for changing your hours or reducing your workload.

Consider swapping the current childcare and cleaner/housekeeper for a nanny housekeeper. Possibly the gardener too to make up more financial shortfall if needed. A nanny housekeeper for say 20hrs a week will achieve far more for you.

Could you work 9 day fortnights and have every other Friday off?

This. It’s very exhausting and frustrating to always be trying to do several things at once. If this could be the issue, focus on how to improve this so you can feel fully present with DCs or with work at least some of the time.

I'd say that the big old house that needs a twelve hours a week paid housekeeper might be impressive and fit with a 'lifestyle" on paper, but is an albatross around your neck.

Reduce your outgoings, reduce the pressure on yourself to perform, split the work equally between you and your DH. Get to a point where you are present enough to live your one short life with the people that you love, because at the end of the day, that is all there is.

DO NOT REDUCE YOUR HOURS.

Sorry, but I think that's a terrible idea as it's clear that your career is important to you and you're already struggling. Doing fewer hours makes your career suffer and you're left doing yet more of the domestic load.

You haven't really said what it is you're struggling with in terms of what is stressing you out/what mistakes you're making. But looking at your list of help you'r buying in, I think the problem might be that you're not getting the right help in the right way. Obviously, I'm not sure how many hours you have childcare but I'm guessing it's at least 15 hours a week plus a further 12 hours a week of cleaning/housekeeping. I suspect this is where you can make the most change. What is it that these people are doing, and how can it be adapted to suit you better? eg, do you find the chores of cooking and tidying up a challenge? Can you nanny cook enough for you and DH on the days she's cooking for the children? Or can the housekeeper do it (you may need a different housekeeper). Is it appointments and organisation you're struggling with? Again, if it's the children's stuff, can the nanny take that on - my sister's nanny did everything from booking dentist appointments to clothes shopping for example. Is the ironing just another chore on your list - so again, can you create a better system where clothes that need ironing are in a pile in a certain place, and the housekeeper hands them off to your ironing service then collects/brings them in and puts them away on return?

If you do want to consider changes at work, I'd be looking at options like working from home a few days a week - that is often a better way to squeeze in some exercise by using commuting time for exercise. It also often reduces your overall tiredness and stress.

Compressed hours might be just what you need. Full time hours over 4 or even 4.5 days, as you already have childcare in place.
Having one day a week when you can schedule appointments, go for a run, catch up on personal correspondence, home management and have the opportunity to decompress might give you back enough mental space to push through.

It will get better when DC all sleep through but for now you need to put as much effort into your wellbeing as you do into your family's.

And I will add that my career is very important to me. It defines me and I am that first, mother and partner second, and it gives us the life we have. Not that I wouldn’t chuck it all in in extremis, but it would be a big decision. May be the same for you.

Definitely do. It hadn’t occurred to me either as I didn’t have any of the hot flushes etc. And, stupidly, it was only when I got what I thought were stress related physical symptoms - palpitations and tinnitus - that I went to the GP. Don’t leave it as long as I did.

Ask the question about reducing hours temporarily. I wouldn't compress them though, you'll work 4 long days and then be wiped out on the non working day. Can finances stretch to you doing this?

Honestly? Women in the 1960s were sold a lie. You can't have it all. Well paid jobs tend to come with high expectations. Long hours mean less time to do life things.

I was in your position years ago. I tried going 4 days a week but realistically had largely the same workload so it didn't help. I even took a step down, but again there was a big workload all needing to be done.

We did the maths and I packed it in. DH's salary could cover mortgage, bills and essentials if we were frugal so I resigned and became an SAHM. Best decision for us. No more stress for either of us as I took responsibility for home life and DH could go to all the meetings and evenings out he needed. Camping hols only and no eating out or takeaways etc but we managed. And all is well now, nearly 20 years later.

I worked around DC for a few years but never went back to my old career. Big difference between you and me is that I never actually enjoyed my career. Too much travel.

With reference to your high pressure job OP, this is what I had to do when my children were younger - my employer understood once I showed them how much they were expecting me to achieve - they told me what could go in the dump it box. Its the 4 Ds managing your time technique. https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryancollinseurope/2018/06/14/effective-time-management/?sh=3fbf5da81938

I use it for home and work - my guess is you put too much in the Do It pile, hence your feeling of overwhelm.