Attending funeral as hidden romance

' The other option is I say to him tomorrow 'I need to know what we are before I can attend or not as I wish to know where to sit/how to act. Last time I saw you was as a partner, this time would you like me to keep my distance as a friend?' '

NO.

I think this response hands him all the decision making. And it's clear that he is taking advantage of you. You need to take charge of your own situation so the other message, making clear that you are no longer in a relationship as far as you are concerned, is far better.

For what it's worth, I had a relationship with someone who, early on, went through grief. This led to a lack of commitment and confusion on his part and we broke up. But I offered him friendship in place of the relationship and, after a time of grieving, we got back together and are in a strong and lovely relationship now. But it took for me to be strong and be clear that I could only offer friendship while he was in a messy emotional place for him to come back to me after a while.

I think you need to find your self-respect and tell him that, whilst you care about him and want to support him, you can only do this a friend. And definitely don't go to the funeral!

I don't really see how you can go in the friend capacity. As a friend you would be expected to sit midway back not with family. As his friend you won't be able to have much interaction with him in the way a partner would and at the wake you will know nobody but him. You should have had the conversation about meeting family months ago. Go to the funeral if you wish but I think it will be incredibly uncomfortable for you. You can't be introduced to family at a funeral. I would pin him down now. I know he's going through grief now but he's had a YEAR to decide what your relationship means to him. He should know by now and you need to know where you stand longterm.

I think you have given him a lot of love and support, and he hasn't behaved in a reciprocal way. It may be that he doesn't see this as breaking up, but at the same time, he is behaving as though he can stop/start the relationship (or dial it up/down) whenever it suits him. He isn't being respectful of your time or your feelings.

I've seen your update and I think your message to him sounds good. I hope he understands what he is losing and how his own behaviour has contributed to that. Sending a hug and sympathy, remember you deserve better!

Hi Tessa,

I think that’s a lovely message to send. I might add “As we are no longer in a relationship…..” so it is clear that you have broken up with him.

You sound like such a kind person, I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

The general gist I'm getting here is this: you've been dating this guy (W) for a year, and things have seemingly been going well. However, although he has met your family/friends, you haven't met his, and he has seemed reluctant to introduce you (even before the death of his father).

You received some difficult health news not long ago, and it sounds like he wasn't very interested or supportive, and in fact made a very disrespectful, disgusting and rude remark about getting together with one of his colleagues instead.

Lastly, since the death of his father, his communication has changed, and he now seems to be putting more emotional distance between you. This might be understandable in the circumstances, but it sounds like some of this distancing is very specific to the nature of your relationship. Not only does he not want to introduce you to family/friends, but he wants you to come to the funeral as a form of support, yet keep your distance and pretend you're not in a relationship with him? He also hasn't asked you about your own health/wellbeing, and has stopped using affectionate language.

I'm going to be honest here and say that I think he seems to want the emotional support/attention benefits of having a partner, but isn't prepared to invest in/nurture the relationship, seems disinterested in your own health/wellbeing, and is asking you to pretend to his family/friends that you are not in a relationship with him. At minimum, this is weird and unhealthy behaviour, but I would go one step further and say that actually he is being quite toxic and unfair, is an inconsistent and unequal partner, and you can do a lot better.

I particularly think this because he didn't seem to want to offer any support/love/help when you were going through a difficult time with your health, but now that he's grieving and struggling emotionally, he expects your unconditional, unquestioning support. IMO, it isn't normal to ask your partner of one year to pretend to be only a friend in front of your family/friends. Yeah, a funeral isn't the best time/place for introductions, but actually he could prepare for that. He could tell people now that he has been dating you, that you mean a lot to him, and that they will meet you at the funeral. Why would that be difficult? Unless his family/friends have a weird reason for not wanting him to be in a relationship, which I can't imagine.

At this point, I would ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? Can you imagine things recovering from here?

Dear god OP - he sounds horrible. This is not the man for you.

I like a bit of black humour myself but that's fucking nasty.

That comment is bad enough but he said it just after you’ve had some sort of gynae issue AND after he’d been wholly unsupportive?
What a peach.
Honestly, he sounds worse with everything you say.

😂 you’re right!
Thats the perfect response x

Hell no that's way too meek

Send a text saying

"Can't make funeral I'm dusting my eggs!"

I think you are lovely and you 100% deserve much better than this awful man.

But that's not a joke, it's negging. What a fragile emotionally manipulative man. That comment was meant to sting.

Tbh I’m not sure there is any excuse for what he said to you, stress of dying parent or not. It’s inconceivable that a decent person could countenance making that type of comment to someone they have purported to love.

Am so sorry you have found yourself invested in a relationship with a man such as this - but am glad you are not attending the funeral. Tbh, if I were a friend of yours IRL, I’d advise just not responding to his texts for a few weeks. Let him lean on his other ‘friends’ and take some time for yourself to reset.

You sound like a lovely person who deserves more than he has offered and while your health issue may not be life threatening, it is significant and you should be able to rely on friends and family who love you to support you. He clearly isn’t worthy of that status. I hope you are able to move on - there are lots of lovely men out there who would value someone as supportive and caring as you, but you’ll only met one of them when you have thrown this one back into the sea.

Not your fault as you don't know my circumstances but just no.

I would break it off with him.
He is horrible.

Find someone who will be supportive of you, kind to you, give you fun and drama free romance.

@BirthdayRainbow

It's amazing how many men are stressed but somehow sex related stuff helps

Sex helps most people unwind

Sorry OP but thats bollocks and just his excuse for shitty behaviour. It’s a really shitty thing to say under any circumstances, and all in all he sounds selfish and unkind. Please just walk away now and find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated