Attending funeral as hidden romance

Op for the record I think well done, you’ve retained your dignity here, I’ve seen too many threads from women who beg for crumbs and who would have been there like a shot and it’s dismaying. He made it clear you were an option. And you grabbed hold of your dignity and said no thanks, I’m the main act, not part of the chorus line, and good for you, when they behave like this, it’s never going to get better.

im sorry this one didn’t work out, but you managed it with self respect and dignity, and that is something you need to recognise is much more Important than being with some bloke who can’t treat you right.

Because I cared about him and I'd rather end a relationship with closure and not this mess that it turned into

Closure doesnt come from anyone else- it comes from within. Is there really any explanation he could give you that would make his comment ok? is there any explanation he could give for not wanting to acknowledge you as his girlfriend after a year?

I mean sure, he could feed you some BS about how he's not ready or the comment was "just" a joke but no matter what he says (and remember words are easy) it doesnt mean its 1. the truth or 2. any less hurtful to hear.

True closure comes from a feeling of peace inside that you respected your own boundaries and whilst you may never know what motivates someone else to act the way they do, the closure is simply that it shows you arent right for each other. If he cared for you, he wouldnt have done that, so that means he isnt the one. Thats all the closure you'll need lovely x

You have closure though.

You have decided not to carry on with whatever it was that you had with him.

I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now

Who gives a shit? you need to focus more on what YOU think of HIM. Why is his opinion all important and yours isnt?- he's not God. He's a very stupid man to throw away a good person like you and if he carries on the way he was with you, he'll end up alone.

I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now
I would guess that half of him is cultivating an image of you that protects his own image of himself and the other half is making secret notes on what to do differently with his next gf.
So the usual. Not worth worrying about. Do you know why it is that you are afraid of other people thinking badly of you? Might be more useful to concentrate on that.

OP, I do think it would have been awkward for you to attend as his partner. With your updates, it is clear that the relationship wasn't in a good place. He didn't want to introduce you when he clearly didn't know if the relationship was going to continue. If you broke up 2 weeks later then he has to explain that , and its a lot to deal with.

Having said that, he was very wrong to ask you to attend in that situation and to make you feel like that. You did the right thing in not attending.

You say you were sad and trying to fix the relationship, but maybe there was nothing left to save.

He was wrong in keeping you a secret for so long though.

He needs to leave you alone now and move on. If you meet him professionally then hold your head high and be professional. If anyone spouts any crap at you, then put them straight.

NOTHING
HE THINKS NOTHING* *
he is just not that into you
Sorry OP you sound so nice, but stop thinking about him

OP, he's the one who put you in an impossible situation of showing up at the funeral and pretending to be a friend, or not going and being made to feel guilty. Either way, he put you in a place where you will end up feeling bad about yourself. This is not how someone you've been in a relationship for a year should be treating you. You will be better off in the long run, I am certain of it. Just keep reminding yourself of the reality of the situation. You stood up for yourself and you should feel proud.

Your last message was polite and entirely reasonable, not cutting at all. In fact it was more than he deserved.
Yes you do have to remember the reasons OP, you are right.
Think of all the cutting remarks he has aimed at you - there are several you have mentioned on here.
You asserted yourself to make a decision for the best and that’s nothing but a good thing.
When he comes back to work, don’t let him draw you back in. Remain polite and professional.
And keep that list of his cutting remarks to you, in the back of your mind at all times.

He is probably convincing himself he is 'right' and maybe even treating himself as the victim. You're better off without his texts or you'll get into a debate with yourself about replying x

Don’t feel bad about not being there for him at this time. You would have been happy to go as his partner. It was his choice to say as friends only, and choices like that have consequences. This isn’t on you.

Even if you don't block him, can you mute his messsge so you can be sure any notification that makes your phone beep wont be from him

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Do some things you really really enjoy and book up some time with good friends. All the best.

This is why I recommended blocking him on your phone so you weren’t jumping every time you got a message. It’s hard for your body snd brain to recover when you’re on edge all the time. He clearly isn’t bothered.
Hope you’re feeling ok. Try and do some nice things for you as distraction.

I can relate to that, it's so difficult and painful, especially when there hasn't been proper closure. However, I think it's very telling that he hasn't been in contact. He was happy to take, take, take from you emotionally without giving anything back, but when you started standing up for yourself, it didn't fit in with what he wanted/expected from the relationship.

I know that saying 'don't worry about what he thinks of you' probably won't help. I had a similar situation a long time ago, and it consumed my mind for months and months after the breakup. I spent so much time worrying that he was thinking badly of me, and wishing we could get back together. But I'm really glad we didn't, because he was an awful boyfriend and it was the right thing to break up (even though it was so painful at the time)

You deserve better, but it's natural to wish that 'better' could come from your ex when you still love them. Remember that every single concern you had was (and is) valid, and you were absolutely correct to raise these issues with him. He is the one who should be worrying what you think of him!

I am sure he is only thinking of himself Tessa. Time to focus on you

Stop caring what he thinks. It doesn't matter. Neither does he.

@Tessa00 I hope you're doing OK. Please try not to feel bad about the timing of this - at the end of the day, he was treating you badly long before his dad died. These recent events just happened to be the final straw, but to be honest, I think you would have broken up with him eventually. You don't owe him a well-timed breakup, partly because there is no perfect time anyway, but mostly because you don't owe it to him to keep putting up with his poor treatment of you until it's a convenient time for him. You deserve much better, and I hope he apologises eventually (even if that's a futile hope!)

In my dating days, I expected everyone to know about me within a few weeks of dating any man. Anything else is just odd, particularly now in the social media age.

Odd for you @Eyeroll2024

Many of us are much more cautious and don't live our lives on SM.

@bereft1 please read all of the OP's updates, then you can see just how unpleasant her ex boyfriend has been to her throughout the relationship, not just since his father died.

Im a people pleaser

OP- really recommend the book "not nice" by Aziz Gazipura. Its a really excellent book about people pleasing and how to deal with it.

Well done for the way you're handling this btw

Have you read any pf the OPs posts at all, including the opening? She is not breaing up with him because of an inconsiderate text, but because he has been selfish throughout the relationship, expects her to provide support without giving any, made a disgusting joke about her health, and has been pretending to be mysteriously single in front of his friends for the duration of theit relationship, and now expects her to keep on pretending they are not involved.

Actually, I think most agree that he is wrong to have hidden you like this and are suggesting you re think things.

"W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now"

He has created the awkwardness by lying and hiding you. Not you. And now he is gaslighting you into being his emotional support human on his terms only.

In my dating days, I expected everyone to know about me within a few weeks of dating any man. Anything else is just odd, particularly now in the social media age.

People show you who they are all the time.

The relationship is not going to progress beyond this and will fade away when he finds someone he wants to introduce to his friends.

Men are just as good as women at communicating what they want and have no problem saying words they wish to say.

By treating you like this he has already communicated what he feels. You are not his partner, you are a woman he sees for sex and support when it suits him.

Edited to add, I see from your updates that you have already figured this out. I'm sorry he treated you like this. Good luck.

And, of course, it's absolutely fine to block him, or not, as you choose. Whatever works for you.