Attending funeral as hidden romance

His options are - tell them he is in a relationship with you and he wants you to come to the funeral for his support, or tell them he is in a relationship with you but doesn't want you to meet them at a funeral so you won't be attending.

There is no "hide your relationship from the family" option if he actually cares about you.

It's odd behaviour from him. I wonder what he's not telling you.

I’d find I was unable to travel across the country.

It’s understandable to not want to deal with the whole “and this is my girlfriend” stuff as he buries his father, obviously.

However, to expect you to travel down, stay on your own in a hotel, presumably, and be treated as a platonic friend in front of everyone is just not reasonable of him.

He asks you to go as his girlfriend, or he asks you to give him space. He can’t have it both ways. You don’t have an Off switch for when it’s inconvenient for him.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who's been hiding my existence for a year. It's not fair on you, to make you feel like some kind of shameful secret.

I'd tell him that either I came to the funeral as his girlfriend or I didn't come. And then once things have settled down, I'd be having some serious discussions about the relationship.

I would just have a Work crisis and be unable to go.

Thank you for your sympathy, that’s kind.

You probably are more invested than him right now because his headspace is filled with his loss. It’s a huge thing to lose a parent, if his mum’s still alive he’s struggling to cope with his grief and support her as well. If you don’t go there’s a strong chance he’ll conclude you don’t care and that will be that. It’s really up to you whether you want the relationship to continue or not.

Are many of his friends going to the funeral? The deceased's son's friends wouldn't ordinarily go to the funeral in much of the UK unless they knew the deceased very well. So he really may not be keeping your relationship quiet to many people at all.

I can understand not wanting to introduce a new girlfriend at his father's funeral. That would be odd.

I wouldn’t stand for this. As others have said, grief doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you like shit. I personally wouldn’t be able to put my feelings aside and pretend to be his “friend”. I’d tell him (if I were you) that if he was unsure of our relationship and didn’t feel he could tell his friends about me, then I wasn’t the right person to be there to support him.

This.

I disagree with this.
I lost my Dad quite recently and for the first few months I really didn’t know my arse from my elbow. Trying to deal with what had happened, admin, support my family, funeral arrangements, grieve…

So yes, I agree with other posters who have said I think it’s odd he hasn’t said anything before his Dad died. But I don’t think the funeral is the right place to be introducing a new girlfriend to the family, I and I don’t think he’s stringing you along @Tessa00. I just think he probably doesn’t know what way is up right now.

If you want to support him go to the funeral. But save any discussions about this for down the line.

If you don't attend and show your support for him at the moment I don't think your relationship would be viable in future, I'm not sure it could recover from that. He's just lost his dad, it's not the time to make a big stand about relationship status etc.

I'm not saying you should feel forced to go, it's your choice, just reflecting on the impact it may have down the line.

This, in spades.

There may be something fishy going on here with his avoidance, there may not be. However, this is neither the time nor the place to be delving into that.

That last message from him is very telling. He is stringing you along. I'm sorry.

I would keep my distance and not message him.

Maybe I can help. I lost both my parents in the same year so became well acquainted with raw grief in that period. It took over my life for a bit, there was no space for me to think about anyone or anything else, every bit of bandwidth was taken up. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to deal with relationship issues of any kind.

Clearly you mean a lot to him and he would welcome your support but he can’t deal with introducing a new partner to his family at this point. It’s too much. To be honest I don’t understand why the capacity in which you’re supporting him at the funeral (if you go) is so important to you. Can you not just go and be there for him?

OK. It's a bit of a mess because he didn't tell them. But it is what it is.

He's just lost his Dad and his head will be all over the place. You don't have to go, but I would. Don't add to his grief.

It's sad his father has died but it doesn't give him licence to treat you like shit.

I think he's being unfair to you.
I fully appreciate he's grieving but that doesn't give him carte blanche to ride roughshod over your feelings.

If he values your relationship so highly he needs you there to support him, he should reflect that value by being open about the relationship. From what you've posted, I can see no external reason why him having a girlfriend would be problematic.

He seems to be dangling you from a long string tbh.

He chased you, instigated the relationship quickly, hasn't told anyone about you a year later and wants to manipulate you into turning up to a funeral whilst staying his little secret.

I would be wondering what he has to hide. I would also be stepping back and looking at how much control he has here along with the emotional manipulation shite.

You’re not the one who’s making it awkward IMO.

He could say “This is my girlfriend Tessa00, aunty Maureen”

But instead he’s chosen this farce where you, what, pretend to be a work colleague? A friend from railway modellers club? Who was never even introduced to the dad but has come to his funeral (like a weirdo)?

There’s something odd about this one… I think there will always be a “reason” why it’s “impossible” for him to introduce you to his family and friends. Dad’s birthday, the first Christmas without him, the one year anniversary, the dog ate his introducing hand.

I’d definitely swerve the funeral in your place. And then see if he bucks his ideas up over the next few months.

I would for now go to the funeral, of course you can greet him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Dealing with the whole "am I a dirty little secret" I'd come back to once he's back to usual life