Attending funeral as hidden romance

But he does wish her to attend only the funeral as a supportive friend. He asked her not to come down for the whole week, as she had suggested.

OP: I just needed to know what we currently are
W : honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now.

It's all there loud and clear. Tell him that whilst the timing is unfortunate, you can now see what's been going on, that you are little more than a FWB, and it's not what you want. You won't be at the funeral. There's no "dumping" because there was no relationship in the first place.

It is all about supporting W surely?

I don’t think I could help myself - I’d want to go to see how he engages with me in front of an audience. It sounds like if you don’t go the relationship will be over and if you do go it may also be over but probably more on your terms than his.

If my brother had a random female 'friend' at one of our parents funeral I would 💯 assume that it was some sort of romantic relationship so surely everyone will jump to those conclusions anyway.

The funeral is almost a red herring here as he's actually said to you he doesn't know if you are in a relationship and you even daring to ask is 'making it awkward' , if he was into you he'd have you by his side and introducing a new partner at a funeral isn't really weird at all it's often the only occasion some families worlds collide.
It didn't have to be weird but the fact is he had already pulled back before his Dad died , he has only spoken to you once since and it feels off to you so just don't go and start to rebuild without him.

I don’t know, he’s not behaving well. Do you know if there is a wake/gathering? Does he expect you to be at that?

option A: you go, hang around quietly, say you know him from <something> then say I’m sorry for your loss afterwards, standing a couple of feet away so it’s his choice to go for a hug, then disappear and reduce your support unless you get confirmation he wants you in your life. A future text might be: ‘I do want to support you through this, as your partner. I’m happy to be one down and stay, I won’t be a secret though. I hadn’t quite realised how much you were keeping me a secret and that type of relationship isn’t for me.’

or Option B: you text ‘it sounds better if I don’t come, don’t you think? I can’t see how I could be any use to you as a support as someone who turns up and you introduce me to a few people as my friend from x, then I say vaguely I’ve known you for a year when asked, hang around in the background and leave afterwards. That seems very awkward and like you’d find it easier with me not there, especially if you were going to be lying about me. Surely that would just make things harder.’
(could he be thinking he’d get sex that night if you came?)

From my experience

People attend funerals to show respect, support & love for the living family & those that have passed away.

I find it odd that he does not wish you to attend as a supportive friend

Funerals are a time when people come together

It seems very odd to me, that he is pushing you away

You could be in a 'Pocketed' relationship:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4281522-Would-you-be-happy-in-a-pocketed-relationship?page=1

You're not his girlfriend, he's just led you to think you are. Don't go to the funeral, do something nice for the day instead. Maybe meet up with your friend who offered to come down. He doesn't want you around; he's not 16 that people will be up in arms because he's dating.. ! Don't settle for a man who wants to hide you. DPs mum died less than a year after we met, I hadn't even met most of his siblings yet at that time but I was still at the funeral with him.

Honesty, don't go to the funeral under those circumstances. Funerals are by their nature highly emotionally charged and this situation was very fixable and avoidable if he'd stopped all the messiness and just been honest ages ago, so the basis of your relationship was out in the open,

I can't understand the mentality of someone not wanting their family and friends knowing about your relationship for so long. The clue is probably in the description of him being very independent.

I'd distance yourself, and if he can't grow a pair and get off the fence then you have your answer. Either that or you could just hang around for months and months longer with him giving further endless excuses. If he hasn't sorted it out by now he probably never will.

He can choose to tell people about you and not have you attend the funeral.

He can choose to tell people about you and have you attend the funeral.

He cannot tell you to be his dirty secret, unless you are prepared to let him.

This is weird behaviour. He's hiding something.

I wouldn't go. You're either a couple or you aren't, why the need to hide this from friends and family.

So he wants you to travel to the funeral to support him.
He refused to introduce you, as his girlfriend,to his friends over the past year.
Some of these friends are now also attending this funeral.
So where are you supposed to hide from these friends? Do you tell his friends you are a colleague? His family is told you are a friend? His colleagues that you are who? His great aunt Maude? Does he expect you to travel but not attend the actual funeral, just hang out in a hotel room until he needs support? I know he's grieving but he's also taking the piss.
Stay home and have a think if you actually want to be in this secret relationship or if you can even trust him.

You've been seeing each other for a year now. Whatever grief he is experiencing now, what excuses him having kept you a secret for the rest of the year?

No, it just won't wash. If he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends as his girlfriend, then surely it's considerably easier if you just aren't there at all?

Bottom line - I would not be happy to be treated like his dirty little secret. I would not be attending the funeral.

I don't think it is weird that he doesn't want to announce his new girlfriend at his father's funeral. He probably doesn't have the headspace to deal with people's reactions, comments and questions. It sounds like he just wants to get through the day and this bad time, and he would like your support. If you want to support him, do. But this is not the time to push for a sign of commitment from him. When people are grieving, it is ok for them to focus on themselves. Your relationship questions can wait.

Something about this whole thing would make me very very suspicious , there are quite a few red plans that you seem to be ignoring

Maybe he's one of those people who compartmentalise their life. It's not a good sign.
It wouldn't give me confidence of a happy future in a relationship with him.
If he wants to introduce you properly but not at the funeral, I could understand, but in that case why's he all cloak and dagger about it anyway.

I think this relationship isn't going to be above board and out in the open anytime soon funeral or no funeral.

His friend group are going, yes. Including his friends flying in from Chicago. His friends are like his family

He hasn't invited me to friend events, mainly because they are the other side of the country but I would have travelled if asked. Hes large friend group and they have birthdays/bbqs/dinners often

That would indicate that his reticence about being public about your relationship is connected to his friendship group not his family. He has already shown that he doesn't want to include you in that group. His father's funeral is prompting a gathering of his circle of friends and he's made it crystal clear that you are not invited.

I'm sorry to sound blunt.

And I've experienced loss and grief including the deaths of both my parents.

After a year he doesn't even know if you are his girlfriend?

I would not be putting up with this.

Don't go. This isn't a relationship.

I just met a bunch of my boyfriends family last month at his step dad's funeral. We'd been together just over a year.

I mainly said hi, nice to meet you, sorry it's under such sad circumstances, sorry for your loss.

You're not announcing your engagement. You're simply showing up to your boyfriend's dad's funeral.

What makes it weird is he has kept you a secret. Who actually knows that you're dating on his side?

Awww thank you @Tessa00, that’s very kind of you.

I don’t think you seem unreasonable no.
I think it’s understandable you’re trying to seek clarity in your mind where you stand / what’s going on.
It’s just really really hard when you’ve lost someone to even do normal things such as eat, brush your teeth, shower etc.. so this might all just be on another level of thinking that he doesn’t have capacity for.
I hope you can find a resolution.

Personally I'd say that it doesn't feel right to attend such a sensitive family occasion under false pretences, and you're not comfortable pretending to be something you're not to people who are trying to pay their respects to their father, even though you realise they won't know this is what you're doing. It seems disrespectful.

Say you understand he wants support and you will be there for him, but it would be so awkward needing to maintain a facade that you aren't sure you'd be a good support at the funeral as you couldn't just be yourself intuitively. You are pleased he will have lots of other friends there.

Or something like that.

Wow! You've been seeing him for a year and he's telling you that he still doesn't know what your relationship status is (and you asking him is making him feel awkward).

I'd be withdrawing from him entirely at this point. It doesn't sound like there's any emotional commitment from him.