Attending funeral as hidden romance

I wouldn’t go after that message. If he doesn’t know what you are right now he can get support from other funeral goers

This is how I feel too. I wouldnt go- you wont be able to support him as a partner anyway as he wants you to pretend you arent his partner so what's even the point in going anyway?- you wont be sitting next to him in the front pew, you wont be able to hold his hand, you wont even be able to travel with him to the funeral or afterwards as he wants you to pretend you came separately. There is no support you will be able to offer him that his friends/work colleagues cannot offer since he is asking you to lie about your connection to him. Therefore, let them support him.

It would stress me out worrying about how much I should hug him, what I should be saying if people ask (eg is there some backstory he wants to make up- what if he tells people he knows you from X and then you tell them separately you know him from Y and they figure out you're both lying?). This is an absolute farce and its not the behaviour of someone who genuinely cares about you, grieving or not.

If someone was trying to have a heavy chat with me about what our relationship was after they knew I'd been travelling miles for months trying to nurse my dad, and now it's days after he's died, I'd be questioning it too.

I'd be thinking, why does this person not understand what I'm going through and are they a good life choice for me? They lack empathy.

He's been through the emotional wringer. You're now trying to push him into meeting his family at his dad's funeral.

First time meetings with family can feel a massive thing to some people, particularly post divorce after a long marriage. He's told you doesn't need this now. Listen to him.

If you like him enough, go and respect his wishes. Grief is a bitch and he's trying to tell you how he's processing something really difficult. If all you can see is your "relationship dilemma" over this, then bow out. He deserves better than you.

Either way, stop giving him extra hassle with the "what are we?" question. He's grieving, I'm guessing he has no headspace to try to deal with that too.

Can't believe the wet lettuces on here telling you to go along like a good little girl and support him as what he wants right now is the most important thing. He's been messing you around for a year. He's toying with you OP. There is no relationship - he's basically told you that.

Have you heard the expression "We accept the love we think we deserve"? Do you believe his low energy, low contact, low commitment are all you deserve? You're not his dog. Have some self respect and step away - this 'relationship' will never be what you want it to be.

I wouldn’t go. How can you genuinely support him if you have to act different than your normal meet ups. I would send a message of condolences not mention your relationship. Leave that for another day but at the right time, I would be making it clear you are not going to a secret if he wants a future with you.

If he said everyone will just think we're friends, then he views you as a friend not a partner. Are you okay with that? If so then go support him.as a friend. I would not be okay with that.

I wouldn’t go after that message. If he doesn’t know what you are right now he can get support from other funeral goers

So he wants you to attend the funeral but not ‘with him’ and then leave again and not stay around for the week?? If that's the case I’d be telling him that you won’t attend. I think it’s really disrespectful of him to invite you and then expect you to just remain in the background… I wouldn’t like this at all and would feel like I was his dirty little secret… His ‘backing away’ when his dad was ill and then a text to say his dad had died all seems more like a friendship with ‘benefits’ than a relationship.. I’d be thinking about this in terms of whether you’re a valued partner and equal or just a booty call!!

I think his father’s funeral is a red herring in this entire discussion.

He pushed for a “relationship” which presumably means you acceded to having sex with him, yet he isn’t really in a relationship with you at all, is he? A relationship is open to those around. What you actually are is more “friends with benefits”.

He’s willing to do enough to preserve that status. You can come to the funeral (though he’s possibly secretly hoping you won’t) but the farce he’s performing will continue.

Honestly, I think I’d back off. I realise that will probably signal the end of whatever it is you have at the moment, but this doesn’t sound worth investing in to me. He’s going to cause you a lot of pain and probably won’t ever commit.

Very strange you’ve seen him 1 year and he’s not told family about you, but to you he’s been keen and call it relationship from early on. I’d personally would feel upset at that. 1 year! Normally we tell our family when we are happy after that length of time! No wonder you are upset.
I suppose at least if u went to funeral it shows he’s not hiding a secret wife or something from you. You could hear if his family mention anything you don’t know about him. But overall I’d be wondering why he’s hidden you. This is a red flag for me. It’s up to you. Maybe go to support him & get a feel for the family and what he’s hiding from you then have a long discussion with him to get answers. Or don’t go and tell him you need answers as to why he’s hidden you x

He’s told you the answer, this would be a relationship ender for me. Obviously don’t dump him before the funeral, just apologise you can’t make it and give space. And deal with it later. He can’t even tell you what he thinks you are…

Deleted as duplicate post.

If you think it is going to be over afterwards I'd end it now tbh.

He’s very selfish. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. He’s kept you hidden but now he wants support he wants you to be there but still “hide”. What possible reason can he have for not telling people about you for a year? He’s now using grief (although apparently he wasn’t close enough to his dad to tell him he had a girlfriend) to guilt you into doing what he wants and dismiss your concerns.

I think this is a red flag

Absolutely no reason to keep a relationship secret unless you are playing games

After a year of dating a funeral is as good as any occasion to introduce you as his girlfriend

His last message to you clearly states that he is uncertain

I don't think he is serious about you which is fine if you are ok with casual friends

I would go. I wouldn't pretend not to be with him if asked directly and I wouldn't not show him affection. However I wouldn't insist on being in a partner role on the day.
I'd try and support him.
I would assess if I want a relationship like this after the funeral and if not I would move on.

He is asking me not to make it awkward.

(While making it awkward for me.)
Did you stop to consider that @Tessa00?

This is such a tricky one OP! Were it a happy occasion, it would be easier to stay away on principle. May be take up your friend's offer to come with you. Once the funeral's behind you both, then it's over to him to prove to you he's worthy of you. Good luck 💐

Right dont go then. He isn't committed after a year

T: Thanks for telling me. I just needed to know what we currently are, as stupid as I feel asking a question like that at a time like this.
W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

He doesn't know what you currently are? Nope. I'd be thinking twice about the relationship.

I don't want to meet his family at a funeral. I have offered to clear my week, travel down and be nearby but he has told me not to. He asked just show up at the funeral. He isn't close to his family so I understand this but from his friends I feel hidden

I understand all of this. I wouldn't be going to the funeral. You don't have to.

No, I'm sorry but this is deeply unfair of him. You are not making anything awkward, HE is. He can't expect you to attend and then keep up some ridiculous charade about being his friend- how awkward is that?

I mean, are you meant to hug him, not hug him, keep a distance from him- what do you say if his friends ask you how you know him- are you meant to lie or make up some ridiculous story? if you lie to his friends and then it comes out later you were dating all along you then have to meet his friends again knowing that you lied to them the first time. This is all wrong.

I am not unsympathetic to grief- my mum died 2 months after I started dating my now DH but I did not hide him, he came to the funeral and was my rock. His supportive behaviour then actually solidified in my mind that I wanted to spend my life with him. But I would never have asked him to pretend or lie to my friends and family. If it were me, I would not go. He is hiding you and its not as if you've only been dating 2 weeks- its been a flipping year now.

Sorry, this is a huge red flag and I'd seriously think about whether you want to continue with a man who compartmentalises his life so clinically and asks you to lie and keep up a pretence to his family and friends.

The situation is very odd, surely at the funeral all he would have to say is this is my partner t and that's it. Its not really going to be a big deal is it, unless he makes it one. I wouldn't go and pretend to be a friend , I'd tell him I'm too old for these games. Imo he's the one making it awkward with his lies and hiding you away. Sounds like he wants it all his way and that's just not how relationships work .

He’s put you in an awful position.
I wouldn’t go. Say you’ll support him from afar. A funeral isn’t a time for pretending to be someone you’re not. Leave it to his nearest and dearest. You can make that call. It’s ok to not go.

you are absolutely sure he’s definitely divorced….?

I can understand him not wanting to hijack the funeral by making it all about his new relationship. It’s a day to commemorate his dad, not W’s own personal life. I think it’s also nice that he wants you there. It will also make it easier for you to meet his family again in a relationship capacity- at least you’ll have already met them. I would go, to support him.