Attending funeral as hidden romance

Personally, I think if he 'doesn't know what you are' after a year, you're not in a relationship and I would walk away.

I think it's ok he doesn't want to introduce a girlfriend at a parent's funeral.

But his messages to you made me pause - it's like he wants to just not be an "us" right now.

I think you're fine to distance yourself, now. You can wish him well but you don't have to compromise yourself or your feelings to accommodate him. It's all a bit odd. A year and he's told no one? You dont want or need to be with someone who sees you as a secret.

Do you both work for the same company ? as you have said ' I also have heard some of our colleagues are going from his team '

as he has not declared you as his girlfriend to his family / friends and colleagues I would not be going to the funeral - not as a friend not as a girlfriend not as a colleague.

He will have plenty of support from family friends and colleagues - you did not even meet his father ? why would you attend the funeral of someone you do not know.

Give him time and space to himself, and if he reaches out to you after the funeral well then see if you both still want a relationship as girlfriend/boyfriend.

@Scirocco ”That keeps things civil and gives you a smooth exit which can't be turned into a narrative like "my ex dumped me when my dad died!".”

He can tell himself what he likes (OP is not responsible for helping him better himself). He can’t tell anybody else that because then he would have to admit he’s been seeing her for a year.

You see, significant relationships are what matters when funerals come around. You have an intimacy that you have built with someone that means that in your worst time - they are your person, there for you.

He wants you to be there for him, in his worst moments but in return you are a placeholder for his person, the one he wants to tell everybody about and bring fully into his life.

Don't get me wrong, there are people who tell everyone about every new person they ever meet and then it's over but a year in - no.

I would hold firm to your offer to be nearby but not attend. Not to be mean but to be clear.

I understand why he doesn’t want the stress of introducing you as gf at the funeral, but what I don’t understand is why he wants your support then but can’t fit you in at any other time before or after the funeral.

Why does he want support at the funeral when there will be loads of people to support him, but he wants space the rest of the time? It doesn’t make sense.
Ask him that question.

I wouldn’t go and I’d be wanting introductions in the very near future. ATM it sounds as if he’s dallying with you and hasn’t got serious intentions.

I'd be wondering what he is hiding. Ask if there is any sort of tea after the funeral, if so whether friends are invited or just family and if so are you invited to it? If there is you only go if invited. If there isnt it is still likely people will go somewhere for a drink.

It's an opportunity to find out if he is hiding something, for that reason I'd go.

I can't believe the number of apologists on here defending his unreasonable behaviour.

Looking ahead, he's going to be in a state of grief for a while to come. There is no viable opportunity in the foreseeable to have a discussion about your odd relationship which would not be taking place whilst he's still raw from losing his dad. So having spent a year being hidden are you happy to wait another 6 months for him to be fully available to you and maybe then find there's no real change? I'd tell him that you should stop seeing each other due to the weirdness that existed before which he did nothing to remedy long before all this with his dad, and the fact that he's not going to be in the right headspace to fix anything in the immediate future. It's not fair on you. I think he sees you as a life support system, he has fun with you, wants you at the funeral but only as a friend, but he doesn't want you meshed into his real outside life.

A colleague who would travel a distance and stay over for a few days for a funeral of someone they never met !

But the point is that he has specifically asked to define the relationship as "friends". It's not an issue of OP demanding some sort of relationship rights, it's about him forcing a narrative that is different from the way he has talked about the relationship in the past.

If he was so stricken with grief he was barely thinking straight, why is he so clear about his expectations on the OP? Why would that feature and require a specific instruction?

I don't think I'd go - I'd make some polite excuse about how he needs to be with people who really know his dad and I don't want our relationship to be a distraction on the day. Maybe offer to meet him afterwards though.

I think it would be even weirder if you were there as a 'friend' but later introduced as his girlfriend.

But he hasn't been dealing with grief for the last year that he has kept OP a secret, his dad dying has just brought all the secrecy into very sharp focus unexpectedly.

Colleagues. Colleagues from his team. I don’t know how well OP knows them though.

"W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this awkward right now."

This is him absolutely trying to shut you down and control how you feel.

If it were me, I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't be upset about it either. I'd just say I couldn't be bothered putting on a pretence of distance at an occasion that is going to be emotional. It's not wrong of him to ask, but it's a hard game to play.

If you knew his Dad then yes you should go, but it sounds like you don't know his family, they don’t know about you and therefore you should not go. you should also be questioning him about why after a year his family doesn’t know about you!

I'd go. I wouldn't expect rational behaviour from someone who has just lost a parent. He is asking for your support.

This is an opportunity to meet his friends and get to know them in a low key, no expectations sort of way without a big announcement that he is 'in a relationship'.

I wouldn't be surprised if after the formalities he mentions to people that actually you are more than friends. Even if he doesn't they will probably have a good idea you are more than just a friend anyway.

In all honesty I don’t think he sees you as a partner . He is not treating you as part of his life . No idea what he’s up to but you will feel uncomfortable at the funeral and will probably not be able to support him in the way he wants .

After a year It looks like it’s the classic ‘ he’s not that in to you ‘ . I’m sorry OP but I think you should put yourself first and stay away .

You come across as a lovely person and there is someone out there who will be desperate for you to meet his friends !

I absolutely don’t think this is the time to meet his parents.

The part about him keeping this from his friends though is also odd, it rings alarm bells and I would have canned it on this basis alone.

I would t go and I'd tell him why. That it would feel fake to be there and not be with you. It would feel awful if in the future you chose to introduce me to friends, that they recognise me from the funeral and I'd feel like I had lied somehow.
I'm happy to support you from afar and when you're feeling stronger we can talk about us.

Tbh if he doesn't pull his finger out after he's recovered somewhat then you're not the girl for him. Sorry

I went out for longer than I should´ve with someone who compartmentalised like this. I had met his mum, but no one else in his family. When I broke up with him, I actually phoned his mum to say goodbye. And she told me then, he never EVER mentioned anything of his private life, she was shocked my mum had had cancer, she said I probably thought she knew and didn´t even bother to comment (I used to phone her house to speak with thim). She was actually pretty nice to me, more than him. Please don´t go to the funeral. He will look left and right to make sure no one has noticed you, greet you as warmly as he would Doris from Accounts and move on to greet others. Don´t do this to yourself. Then if he actually bothers to contact you again. Just move on, it´s not working for you. While you are waisting time with him you aren´t meeting someone to whom you would be someone he would be proud of acknowledging.

@VictoriaEra

I think I would be inclined to go to the funeral as requested as there will be other people you know.

How will there be other people OP knows?

But hasn't she just asked him? His head is probably all over the place and he doesn't know what to think.

Granted we were a lot younger (19) but the day after my dad died my then bf asked did I forget it was our 'anniversary' (it was a month one not even a year). I had of course forgot. The only thing on my mind was grief. I told him so.

He is playing you around and the funeral put him in an awkward position.

However, it's a very sad time for him so I wouldn't be pushing for conversations about your relationship.

Just say you wont go as you dont know anyone else there but will give as much support before and after.

When things settle a bit then i would have a proper conversation.