Attending funeral as hidden romance

He is the one that wants her to go.

Now is not the right time to be doing introductions outside of hello goodbye at the funeral.

I think you can go and be supportive as friend and deal with your relationship status after the fact.

I'd go to the funeral to see if I could work out what was really going on. You may see other female 'friends' there looking as confused as you. Or maybe he'll introduce you to his family and things will be fine. If I was unhappy at the way he was treating me at the funeral I might introduce myself as W's girlfriend to other attendees and see what happens.

Yes, I think his behaviour will be very telling. I'd also get chatting to friends and see what they revealed about him in conversation

Maybe also spend some time examining why you put up with being hidden from his friends and family for a year? That's not normal, and is pretty insulting.

Totally agree. So his dad died, yes this is of course very sad but it’s not carte Blanche for someone to be a cunt

100% Agree. I've lost both my parents and still managed not to treat anyone like shit or asked them to act differently with me in public/lie about our relationship. Besides, this has been going on for a year- its not just about the funeral-why are people ignoring this aspect?

This relationship is entirely unbalanced. OP is a secret to be kept away from everyone whilst he has met her friends. OP also says she feels she invests more in him than he does in her. She should listen to her intuition- I guarantee that in another year's time- nothing will have changed and he'll still be saying "yes, I'll introduce you when its the right time" but it never will be the right time and OP will have wasted yet another year on this bloke

I agree with @Abeona's advice about attending the funeral partly to work out what's going on. The way he behaves with you and with the others there could give you some answers. You might even get talking to someone from his side who might shed some light...

I think it's really weird that he has hidden you from his family and friends for a whole year and is still doing so.

However, since his dad has just died, I think you should put the issue on the back burner for now. Attend the funeral as his friend. When some time has passed, bring it up with him.

In the meantime, go on with your life in the knowledge that this relationship may have an expiration date. Bring hidden for this long would be too insulting for me. I'd use the next few weeks to date others. After all, there is clearly no commitment from his side.

Well he's a weird one.

I think I'd be backing away from this "relationship". I certainly wouldn't give to the funeral.

OP, my guess is that he has another girlfriend or perhaps several, or maybe even a wife — who knows? Sadly, many men give women the impression that they are serious about a relationship when they're not.

I'd go to the funeral to see if I could work out what was really going on. You may see other female 'friends' there looking as confused as you. Or maybe he'll introduce you to his family and things will be fine. If I was unhappy at the way he was treating me at the funeral I might introduce myself as W's girlfriend to other attendees and see what happens.

The way he's behaving is odd, so I'm guessing there's something going on that you don't know about. I'd suggest you go to the funeral if you can accept that this might mean the end of the relationship. I'd try to prepare for the possibility that things could fall apart while I was there — so I'd have my own travel plans sorted and paid for, I'd book a comfortable hotel room to retreat to and I wouldn't rely on W for accommodation or transport etc. If things go badly you can just walk away. Good luck.

Totally agree. So his dad died, yes this is of course very sad but it’s not carte Blanche for someone to be a cunt.

Don’t prioritise anyone who treats you like an option.

I don’t know what his motives are but you clearly are an option to him but he expects to be treated like a priority to him.

You can do better than this, so do better and seek out a mutually respectful partner because Mr ‘only on my terms’ ain’t it.

He's asking her to support him as a friend, but NOT as a partner. The status of their relationship is highly relevant. He's the one bringing it into focus by lying about it!

Understandably there are different opinions and thats ok. My own stance is there is absolutely no way I'd entertain a relationship with a man who after a year didn't refer to me as his partner. As far as I'm concerned if your dating and if long distance also communicating regularly over a period of time, then your in a relationship. There should be no reason to deny it. There is nothing wrong with introducing you to friends and family at the funeral. People would understand you are there to support your partner and would welcome you. I would send my condolences and not go to the funeral. If this man is intent on a relationship and loves you he will be there for you after the event & in the future.

This man is not serious about you. You’ve been dating for a year, he’s met your friends and none of his friends even know about your relationship? I’d say do whatever feels right, go to the funeral or not … but the real problem here is not the funeral, it’s the fact that he his hiding your relationship from his family and friends.

You seem to be making a funeral an event about your relationship. Did you even know the deceased? The funeral is about HIM - the deceased and his close family. People are usually in a poor or at least ''mixed'' emotional state when dear parent dies - there is also alot to do/arrange. This is not the time for you to focus on the status of your relationship with decease's son.

I wouldn't want to go, and would argue that I'd feel very uncomfortable lying if the inevitable question "How did you know John?" came up. I'd also be questioning the relationship due to the secrecy, and due to him wanting me to lie.

I'd been with my dp (living apart and dating) for 3 years when his mum died. I hadn't met the family as they live a good way away. So I didn't go to the funeral and my dp wouldn't have expected me to. When he got the news, he told me immediately, and I went over to his and comforted him as best I could.

The only reasons for you to go to this funeral would be a) to pay your respect to his dad or b) to support him. You never met his dad so have no reason to attend personally. And as you won't be able to support your dp by standing by him, hugging him etc., there seems little point in you being there.
Is he arguing that he needs your presence for support?
Have you mainly been texting about this? It feels like it deserves at least a phone/video call so that you can get across your sympathy and make him feel supported that way.

I don't know why he's kept you secret for a year. I wouldn't be happy with that. Fair enough if he has kids and is waiting before introducing you to the family for their sake, but that isn't the case here. OP I don't think I'd go to the funeral. He's not being fair on you to ask that of you.

This is the real issue.

Agree. You should just go and take it from there @Tessa00

He can't tell you where you stand with him, he wants you to attend but not as his partner yet has asked you not to be awkward at this time. It would be very awkward for you to attend as a nobody.

I think it's best all round that you don't go, and just leave him to deal with all of this on his own as that is what he seems to want.

I wouldn't be going. Give him space and see what happens. If he messes you around then block him.

My widowed friend recently introduced his new partner at his father's wake. She didn't go to the funeral though.

He wants a fictional version of you to attend. A Tessa who is a colleague and a friend, no more than that. And he's demanding that you play this role, however uncomfortable it may make you feel.

I've very sorry this is happening to you; what a distressing way to find out your partner's keeping his options open.

Whether to attend the funeral or not is up to you. In your shoes, however, I would not disguise the relationship. It sounds as though some of his friends already know you (or know of you) through work? When the chit-chat comes around to how everyone's connected with him or his family, I'd say "We've been in a relationship for a year now."

He doesn't get to define you.

Should you decide not to join the funeral party, I think it's worth considering the future of this half-relationship. You deserve better than to be pushed into the shadows.

@HoppingPavlova well she wouldn't be meeting his Dad, what with him being dead and all .....

I think it doesn't bode well for your relationship that his friends don't know you exist. With family, things can be complicated, but people choose their friends.

His early use of the word relationship could be love bombing if not backed up by the real parts of a relationship - like meeting friends.

I had an ex like this, he talked about the possibility of us getting married early in the relationship which made me think he was serious - but a year on I had not met his friends, nor family - there was always some excuse and I was young and naive and let things go on far too long.

I think this is a true test of your relationship - are you friends? Do you care about him as a friend? If the romantic side of your relationship did not work out - would you still want to be friends with him?

I think if you care for him as a friend and would still want to be friends if the romantic side if your relationship did not work out - than go as a friend.

If you think you would not want to be friends if the romantic side did not work out - than don't go because you understandably want to know where things are at...but that will mean putting your feelings ahead of his at the moment and I suspect his grief needs to take priority...so bow out now with compassion and let his true friends step up.