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Original poster

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Bluegray2 · 19/03/2024 22:17

If you don’t want dramatics I would probably stay away from this guy and look elsewhere, you can still support him as a friend

BirthdayRainbow · 19/03/2024 22:17

It's amazing how many men are stressed but somehow sex related stuff helps..

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 22:16

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 22:09

He said he said it while not thinking clearly due to looking after his Dad

I really do just want a simple easy romance after divorce, I just dont want anymore dramatics

There is no excuse for this kind or remark. I don't care what he's been through. Who does he actually think he is?

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 19/03/2024 22:16

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

Hi Tessa,

Wow that is unforgivable.

I think you are right not to go. Send some nice messages on the day of the funeral, like “it must be so hard for you, hope your speech went well, hope you’re holding up”.

Then make no effort with him anymore.
I would break up with him formally a few days after the funeral.

Americano75 · 19/03/2024 22:14

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

Wait, what?

Original poster
Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 22:09

He said he said it while not thinking clearly due to looking after his Dad

I really do just want a simple easy romance after divorce, I just dont want anymore dramatics

OP posts:
justasking111 · 19/03/2024 22:08

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

Be a good sister and warn her.

What a creep. No wonder he and ex don't get on

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 22:01

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

OMG Shock
Sending unmumsnetty hugs and Flowers

He needs to go into room 101.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 21:55

Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

😳

Original poster
Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:53

It would need more background to understand but the gist was 'ill have to get with -coworkers name- as her eggs will be less dusty'

OP posts:
biscuitsnow · 19/03/2024 21:35

I was thinking of ending it three weeks ago and had texted friends what he had said to me, all of them agreeing it wasn't acceptable

OP- what did he say?

swayingpalmtree · 19/03/2024 21:34

I feel I can't win but what is 100 percent is that I won't attend. The other steps are still unclear to me

I think you're doing the right thing- don't attend and give him some space. Its not as if you'd be able to fully support him at the funeral anyway as you're only meant to be just a "friend" so you wouldnt be able to hold his hand or leave with him etc There is no physical support you can give him there as he'll be worrying about other people seeing it and knowing you're together.

I'd probably send him a kind message on the day of the funeral but then I would pull right back and not contact him. If he asked why I'd tell him I was giving him the space he clearly needs. I'd also tell him that he's made it clear he cant focus on a relationship now so I'm giving him what he wants. Give him the gift of your absence!

Be aware that after the funeral he'll probably try creeping back into your life- please don't let him, he has shown you who he is and you will never be a priority for him. You deserve better.

Original poster
Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:33

I was thinking of ending it three weeks ago and had texted friends what he had said to me, all of them agreeing it wasn't acceptable. I outlined how bad it was that he said while i was stressed (women's issue needing surgery; not life or death)

A few days later I got a text about his Dad and I rushed to forget everything as I was sad for him. I told him I would push it to one side what had happened and he replied 'well I already apologised'. I since have offered support and kindness but it's becoming more unclear by the day. We spoke on the phone once only in this time but he has looked for support via messages and he has said he would love if I could be at the funeral

OP posts:
Bluegray2 · 19/03/2024 21:26

Weren’t you thinking of ending it as well sometime before his father died ? …… maybe it’s better that he just remain friends as it did not seem to be working anyway?

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 19/03/2024 21:24

It sounds like he wasn’t able to commit, your relationship was winding down and then his father got ill. Now he is dragging it out to depend on you for support but doesn’t really care for you enough to support you in return.

Decline the invite kindly and slow fade. Give it some time and then end the relationship op. There is someone out there who will give you what you need and not leave you questioning your place in their life. Also, sorry about your difficult health news, I hope you are okay

Original poster
Tessa00 · 19/03/2024 21:20

Well I have to say I think I'm now more confused 😂

I feel I can't win but what is 100 percent is that I won't attend. The other steps are still unclear to me

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 20:56

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 20:49

But that's not what you said is it. You said

HollyKnight
If you are going to end your relationship with this man then make sure you mean it and do it completely because it is incredibly cruel to do that to someone after losing a parent if you are hoping it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll change and beg you to come back.

You also said some stuff about women on mumsnet wanting to kick men when they are down.

And you suggested she suck it up and put up with his bullshit pantomime because his Dad died. You have had no empathy for OP in fact you have suggested all sorts about her character and the character of the 'rest of us'. It's actually your character I find fascinating- what the actual are you about?

OP is rightly upset that after a year he has cast her aside. She's upset. She loves this man. It's clear she is a kind and considerate person. And FWIW she can do what she likes @HollyKnight.

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Confused
Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 20:49

HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 20:37

I didn't say she should go to the funeral. I actually don't think she should go if she doesn't want to. I said people here on MN are pushing her to dump him right now and that is what is wrong to do.

But that's not what you said is it. You said

HollyKnight
If you are going to end your relationship with this man then make sure you mean it and do it completely because it is incredibly cruel to do that to someone after losing a parent if you are hoping it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll change and beg you to come back.

You also said some stuff about women on mumsnet wanting to kick men when they are down.

And you suggested she suck it up and put up with his bullshit pantomime because his Dad died. You have had no empathy for OP in fact you have suggested all sorts about her character and the character of the 'rest of us'. It's actually your character I find fascinating- what the actual are you about?

OP is rightly upset that after a year he has cast her aside. She's upset. She loves this man. It's clear she is a kind and considerate person. And FWIW she can do what she likes @HollyKnight.

CorylusAgain · 19/03/2024 20:39

Fair enough. Apologies for my incorrect assumption.

HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 20:37

I didn't say she should go to the funeral. I actually don't think she should go if she doesn't want to. I said people here on MN are pushing her to dump him right now and that is what is wrong to do.

CorylusAgain · 19/03/2024 20:31

HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 20:03

Yes. The relationship is going nowhere. They are clearly not on the same page. My whole point is that now is not the time to break up with him. Now is not the time to make a stand. But this is what people are pushing her to do now. It is cruel and it will probably hurt the OP more because of the guilt she'll feel. Especially if people in real life react differently to MN when she tells them she broke up with the guy when he was burying his father.

Show quote history

Where we differ @HollyKnight is that I don't think she should go along with what he dictates just because he's lost his father.

I think she should step away by not going to the funeral. I think she should use his own words.
He used the word awkward. I think she should say that she knows how difficult a time this is for him and that she would not want to create any awkwardness at the funeral. But she would find it too difficult to be there without being able to interact naturally with him. So to avoid any awkwardness she will remain at home. She can emphasise that she knows he will have his close circle of friends to support him.

She's not dumping him she's being thoughtful...

pizzaHeart · 19/03/2024 20:31

I think that funeral is a tricky place to introduce your partner some people might be ok with this some - not. I personally wouldn’t.
If asked to attend a funeral I would treat it as a request from a friend at this stage and behave as a friend, no more, without any expectations.
However your updates show that your relationship are much more complicated then just “attending funeral as his GF or not” issue so I would follow @Globules advice of being friendly and supportive by messaging and then having a serious conversation face to face later.

Codlingmoths · 19/03/2024 20:12

HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 19:32

If you are going to end your relationship with this man then make sure you mean it and do it completely because it is incredibly cruel to do that to someone after losing a parent if you are hoping it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll change and beg you to come back.

Personally, I think it is horrible to do that to someone at a time like this. There is another thread on here by a woman whose boyfriend left her while her father was dying because he couldn't support her. Weirdly, no one thought she deserved that.

Ah yes her secret boyfriend, who she asked support from but kept hidden and lied she’d gotten a ride from a friend when he dropped her at the hospital.
oh no he wasn’t at all, he was a legit partner and all of her friends and family knew him. Thats relevant and not the same as here.

HollyKnight · 19/03/2024 20:10

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 20:07

It's actually him who's made it an issue now though. He's said he doesn't know 'what' they are. After spending all of his time with her for the last year. It's actually his issue not hers. She was happily playing partner and he's just dealt her a huge blow - but that's ok because his Dad died?

How long should she wait? What would you suggest?

Until after the funeral.

Globules · 19/03/2024 20:09

I was originally in the go to the funeral camp.

After your updates, I've now changed my mind to don't go.

Send him a message tonight saying that you're sorry that you'll be unable to make it, but you hope all goes as well as planned for.

Personally, I'd let him keep initiating messaging for a bit. Reply when you've time, don't rush.

Let him bury his dad and when he comes back to your area, end things to his face if he wants to meet up. Give yourself the dignity of knowing you didn't kick a man when he was down. And be strong enough to not take the cowards way out of texting then blocking.

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