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AIBU?

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to think of this as a bit of an insult?

28 replies

TooIntrovert · 18/03/2024 13:48

We were playing a game over the weekend where we each say 5 things we're grateful about for each other. My third one to my husband was that I love the great relationship he's got with our son and how nurturing he is.
He said "yeh I dunno why that's a compliment, in some ways I'm even more nurturing than you are!"

AIBU to regard this as insulting? Or am I being too sensitive?

Background is that we are going through a really hard patch and to be honest the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I'll still have to communicate with him if we separate (for parenting stuff) so I don't see how my situation would improve.
I am finding so many things he says or does toxic. And I'm not sure whether I'm just a hugely sensitive/anxiously attached person or whether the situation would be unbearable regardless. So this will give me some perspective.

Also I was saying it because he didn't really want to be hands on as a dad, he was really wedded to the idea of "mum knows best and I don't know what I'm doing"...his mum was a SAHM and that's what he pictured for us. But my parents coparents and that's what I wanted, so he stepped up and I'm really glad as they have an amazing bond.
The other 4 compliments were not to do with parenting!
But I'm seething about his comment....of all the 100s of things he could have said "thank you" or "yay we both have different strengths" or nothing at all...am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 18/03/2024 14:24

It doesn't seem your DH understands what gratitude is. He seems to equate it with a compliment. They are not equivalent. Try to explain to him what gratitude is, (define your terms ). Communication is all about getting a message across to someone and how that is done is equally important.

Don't get defensive or take things personally. This gratitude thing is new to many men and they sometimes get embarrassed about expressing their feelings in a vulnerable way. If you get mad at him, he will only close himself off more. Try to be patient and help him say what he feels by asking gentle questions instead. Listen. Pause. Reflect before answering.

I agree his response was not very nice. Try to read between the lines and find something positive about what he said. ( not easy). You want to encourage him to open up him, not shut him down.

AutumnFroglets · 18/03/2024 14:20

You've answered your own question.
I am finding so many things he says or does toxic

to be honest the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I'll still have to communicate with him if we separate (for parenting stuff) so I don't see how my situation would improve.
That's a cop out and you know it. You can communicate factual things eg pickups, overnights via email or a specific app that the family court recommends. That can keeps all the emotional nastiness to one outlet unlike the experience you are having 24/7 whilst living under the same roof.

Your child will be picking up on this. Do you have the financial means to leave?

TigBitss · 18/03/2024 14:09

I mean it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship tbh so I wouldn't get hung up on his comment.

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