To consider having a baby at 44

Gotta jump back on to this post!

All this older mum bashing is utterly ridiculous! I had a child in my teens and I was a minority then..... I've now had a baby at 42! Toddler group is full of mums aged 25-45, it's an eclectic age range.

I also teach year 1/2.... most of my parents are 35+. Women are choosing their careers over getting married and having babies now... also the role of the father has massively changed!

I actually feel a little sorry for my 25 year old son... because we grew up together. My little one will have the best of me! As an older parents we take amazing care of our health... no dirty doner kebabs in our lounge on a Saturday night 😂

But your DH is, obviously, a lot older and of a different generation than someone born now. Women are having babies later. My mum was 33 when she had me in the early 80s - she felt ancient, was referred to as elderly primigravida, felt judged for her age. Nowadays she would be completely average.

40 is not an 'old mum' now. It's a bit older than average, but no-one would bat an eyelid at a 40 year old having a baby. Especially if it's not their first.

I don't know anyone who chose to have a baby before 30, and most were 35+.

It's just the odds of having a healthy child. When I was 36 the odds of having a child with a chromosomal defect was 1 in 25,000. When I was 38 it was 1 in 250. I did have one pregnancy which died in the womb from Pataus (similar to Downs but with no prospect of survival more than 3 months after birth). In the end I did have 2 healthy children after another miscarriage.

Do the research and consider the odds and what you would do if you have a child with special needs.

Absolutely not. DHs mum was 40 when she had him and he said it was no fun having an old mum.

think of that child at your age having an older mum.

and think of that child if it were disabled. The care it needed and you die, who would look after it?

My children have moved out and im not depressed im having a whale of a time.
So pleased i had them when i did.
Im still young.
Some people my age are have their first baby and im all done.
No way would i have one at 44.

Go for it. I am 43 and have a one year old. Actually I would go again, but my babies are ivf babies and that journey has cost 100k and totally ruined my body with cycles and loses. I cannot face more of that. Well not yet anyway!

But if you want one, I think you do not regret trying.

Maybe you could 'let nature decide'? Not make a big deal of trying but not prevent it either.

Perhaps you should do a search for 'empty nest syndrome' and see how many threads come up before deciding it's a 'weird thing' to say. I can only assume you've never heard of the concept before.

We had a surprise baby, I'm 42, he's 49!

We split up because I kept her.... but we're on track to establishing a really positive co-parenting relationship now. Very early days though.

I kept the pregnancy on the basis that he would be absent but his feelings changed so we're doing it together.

My little one is here now but it's hard work..... but you get so much back. The only thing I can say though... is that being financially astute, something we wasn't when we had our other children has made a huge difference.

My little one is perfect x my sister in law has just given birth at 45 and he's perfect too. You will be told that there are a lot of risks but there is also a lot of support and testing.

@ludocris · Today 15:40

I have to say, some of the people saying they couldn't bear the thought of having a late teen/young adult still at home when they're in their 50s and 60s will probably be posting about how depressed they are due to empty nest syndrome when that time comes...

NOPE. Sorry to disappoint you. Why on earth would anyone who had children before they were 40 be 'depressed' when their children leave home? Weird thing to say.... Mine have been gone 6-7 years now. No 'depression' here.

When they went to uni I missed them for about the first 5-6 months. It was quite a wrench after having them 18 years. That is natural. But the feeling went, and I still saw them/see them regularly. I don't need to have them staying with me forevermore, to stop the 'empty nest syndrome' 😆

They are independent feisty intelligent successful young people, who have made their own way in life. And I am not some mother who lives only for her children. I adore and love them and would do anything for them, but my life doesn't revolve around my ADULT children. It looks like yours might though, from what you are saying.

It will also be much harder on a person, when the children leave home, if said person has them in their mid 40s, as they will probably be in their 70s when the children leave home. At this point, they may well have become dependent on the children to help them with their day to day life, and the (now adult) children could possibly be their carer etc. Much easier to have your children leave home when you're 48-50, than in your 70s! (IMHO.)

I got pregnant with a new partner at 39. Turned out there were physical.and chromosomal issues. Had a termination for same. Pregnant again at 40 and 41 (now) with no issues but had amniocentesis for both subsequent pregnancies with the view that if there were issues there would be termination. No issues with fertility and two older kids now 15 and 17 from previous marriage.
I will be honest and say it has not been.an easy road. Its definitely harder when you are older......I don't care what anyone says. Do I regret it? No definitely not but you really need to be prepared for the hit your body and your independence takes. It is not for the faint hearted and very personal decision. I quoted PP as I very much agree with the statement they have made.

I think given the fact you've only been with your partner for two years, already live together, and have a 7 yo whose dad is abusive it's too much change for your DD..

Your DD might want a sibling but what she really needs is stability and consistency.

I'm 47 - I have a 25,23,18 and 14yo the idea of starting again from scratch gives me the horrors lol. BUT I can understand why someone may have had a change of circumstances in their later life and want to start a new family. Personally though I'm looking forward to my freedom years now in that little gap before I become to old to fully enjoy it.

Also at work today - was working with 2yos - I made the observation that the children I was caring for would be reach their 20s when I was reaching my 70's and possibly be the group that would be caring for me if I needed help in my older years! That was quite sobering. In the space of their childhood I'd be hitting my older years.

I recently had a baby in South London at 31. Everyone in my NCT group was at least 10 years older than me - it was surprising as I def wouldn't want a newborn in my 40s, but very common now I think

These are the same concerns most parents have OP. Good luck

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Read Jean Twenge’s book about getting pregnant in your 40s, apparently a lot of the current birth records about trouble conceiving later were from the olden days so outdated. I think as long as you are healthy and fit and have relevant tests done (I’d have them all done!) then go for it.

I know of women who’ve got pregnant naturally in their 40s, one not sure if assisted and don’t know if her DD has SN or not and another I know miscarried at 43/44 but she has an underactive thyroid. Another has a healthy 3 year old born when she was 43. Oh and another one has her DD (she had 2 sons and 2 stepsons and other stepchildren) and had her DD when she was 43 or 44, seems to be healthy the DD.

Fair enough. There are many ways of looking at this situation. It is not an easy decision.

It's really subjective isn't it. I couldn't imagine having had a newborn at 24. Whilst I might have coped better with the shortage of sleep, I wouldn't have been remotely financially stable enough, I wouldn't have had half the patience I have now, I can't imagine I would have been confident enough to make friends at the school gate, I wouldn't have had the money to spare to do NCT and make baby friends, and my career would have just plateaued.

Having a sister, I can't imagine not having any siblings, or having a brother. It's very hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and that's why threads like this probably aren't very helpful for the OP.

Do what works for you, to be 60 with a 16 year old is some people's idea of hell, to be an only child us others there are no rules you do you

My eldest will be 20 when I am 44, couldn't imagine having a newborn at that age.

I think 44 is pushing it, personally.

Easy to romanticise having a sweet little baby with the man you love, but what about doing the school run in your 50s, parenting a teen at 60 etc?

I’m 46 and the idea of having a 2 year old fills me with dread!

Having said all that, it’s nobody’s choice but you and your partner.

Op your daughter may think she would like a sibling but how would that pan out in reality? Would she really want to share you with a baby? It would also be a big age gap. My sister and I have 6 years between us and we only really got close as adults. We got on well as children but she was always my baby sister.

You say that your DP would like a child. How do you think having his own child would affect his relationship with your DD? It might not make a difference but when you read the step-parent board on here it is definitely something to take into consideration. Might your DD be jealous if her sibling has two happy parents in a good relationship when this is not her experience of her parents?

I'm not saying don't do it but these are all things you would really need to think about.

I really, really wanted a sibling when I was a young child. Then I got one and it was nothing that I imagined and we haven't got on from that day to this. I really wish I had stayed an only child.