To consider having a baby at 44

They are thriving and happy. I am most definitely not "shattered" and I did all my "freedom" stuff when I was young enough to enjoy it. The pregnancies were straight forward.

It is interesting that older parents get very defensive if anyone brings up the risks of pregnancy in your 40d but constantly need to feel superior to everyone else ('young enough to enjoy' freedom). We get it, your choices are perfect and there's no downsides.

’High functioning autism’ is an out of date term, it’s just autism. Every single person can be affected differently by the condition even if they don’t have high needs/learning disabilities. My children’s father has autism that evidently went undetected during childhood as despite awful bullying ‘managed just fine’. Has a good job now (though absolutely heading for a burnout, can see it happening in real time). Our children present differently, one is fully verbal but struggles with making friends and speaking within turn, some self care issues. One only speaks in echolalia, cannot manage any self care, hardly any social skills. Both highly intelligent in terms of academics. We had our children in our 20s so age wasn’t a factor.

Im not saying everyone with suspected autism has had some huge difficulties or burnout that affected them at some point, but if you suspect autism runs in the family it may certainly be something you have to consider for a future child and yourself. Because at 50 you may have a child with no sense of danger, non verbal, highly like to run off when scared or distracted, only sleeps 3 hours a night from birth. It’s not world ending but it is exhausting beyond belief. Same with genetic conditions that are more likely with older parents, it’s not a definitive but it’s something to seriously consider.

Personally I would check the risks of Down's syndrome, autism and other health issues based on both the woman's age and the man's age, and decide if you are willing to take the risk. Fine if you are, but I'd go into it with my eyes open.

Bearing the above in mind, I'd also think about whether you have support networks e.g. friends/family if either of you face health issues down the line, as presumably the grandparents will be too elderly to be much practical help as the child gets older.

Not saying I wouldn't go for it - after all everything in life has a risk attached! But I would consider the risks carefully and what you can put in place to mitigate them.

Autism is usually only likely if there’s a familial link - anyone in your or his immediate family autistic? Autism can also come with genetic conditions, and of course there is a higher risk of conditions such a Downs Syndrome with you both being older. I have two children with additional needs, there’s a lot of scaremongering and I won’t lie it’s hard work (I currently cannot work due to high level of needs) but it often seems worse to people looking in from the outside than day to day life actually is.

What’s your health like generally? Would you both have fertility testing to see how things look? I had my second just before I turned 40, conceived easily but found it so so much more tiring than my first 4 years earlier. I hadn’t slept well since my eldest which didn’t help and was much achier, bp was very low, couldn’t walk for a couple of weeks at one point, crippling nausea for months which I didn’t have with DD. Things got better after having the baby and DS is a joy every day but we both feel quite a lot older since having him. I’ve visibly aged in the last year.

I was a step parent before having mine and can sympathise with your DP. It’s nothing at all like having your own. But he knew your ages when you got together so he’s hopefully realistic about the challenges. I don’t think ivf is an option at 44 so you need to have proper discussions about how long you’d try for, the risks of miscarriage (fucking awful experience if you haven’t been through it), the child having difficulties, the risks to your own health. I know you’ve thought about these things but have the two of you really gone through what it would all mean for your lives?

Well I mean, that was a ridiculous motive and incredibly selfish of her :(

Friend regrets it. Twins and one has severe autism. Feels resentful as she only did it to trap a man, who left her anyway.

I'm knackered at 31 with mine, if you think you can keep up with the demands of a young child (and I know 40s isnt old before anyone jumps down my throat!) And you don't mind having a teenager in your 50s I would say go for it!

Obviously the risks increase but pregnancy is risky anyway.

I've always thought you regret the things you don't do rather than regret the things you do!

I would start trying ASAP though ❤️

Not for a single minute.

I don't think people telling you that your fertility has dropped at 44 is particularly helpful. You know that anyway. This thread has come up again because I left a comment before. Just to reiterate, I had my sons at 41 and 45. No IVF or any other fertility assistance. I had straightforward pregnancies - just the usual nausea, acid reflux type stuff which was horrible, but not age related. Two quick labours and two uneventful deliveries. At 57, I won't say it's easy, but I have no regrets. None.

Don't just listen to the doom merchants, it's not the full story and not a foregone conclusion. I have a 12 year old and 2 15 year olds at age 58.

They are thriving and happy. I am most definitely not "shattered" and I did all my "freedom" stuff when I was young enough to enjoy it. The pregnancies were straight forward.

These threads do pop up on a regular basis and it is important to note not just the lifestyle, family and energy issues but also the fertility and risk issues related to the chances of a healthy birth. The risks of unsuccessful attempts and of disability are of course scientifically much higher. Previous threads will have included all the data. And mothers should go into it with their eyes fully open about can cause a lot of heartache and distress.

Absolutely! It is dangerous nonsense to pretend that 44 is a perfectly normal age to get pregnant. A few of my friends tried in their 40s and none of them were successful - if you want to try OP then go for it but prepare yourself that your chances are significantly reduced once in your mid 40s.

There's a big difference in fertility between 40 and 44 though. It's important to be realistic about this. If OP wants to give it a go then fine but the chance of her getting pregnant and staying pregnant are probably less than 1%. My friend was in the same boat, also aged 44 when she was trying so we were aware of all the stats. She wasn't successful.

I had 2 in my early 30s and another at 40 because I felt like someone was missing. You have to do what's right for you

Personally no I wouldn’t. I was post menopause by 46 anyway, periods stopped at 45 and i already have one child with SN .

I had my last two at 34 and 35, they’re now 17 and 18 and I’m older than most of their friend’s parents! It’s a personal thing though and in your situation there’s no reason not to. I just wouldn’t think about it for too long!

@littleloopylou

Sorry, what I mean is you're statistically less likely to carry the pregnancy to term. There's a very high chance of miscarriage or chromosomal abnormalities etc

I had a "surprise" baby at 40. Fat, happy 3 month old DD now with a problem free pregnancy. If you have a good support system it's doable. I was more tired with that pregnancy though than I've ever been in my life. And I worry about not being around as long as a younger mother would for when dc are older. First ds was at 37 dd was at 40. She was a great gift, even in my "later years" so I would say go for it. Be prepared for all the "geriatric pregnancy" hoops to jump through and the comments. I understand the worry but ffs they act like they have to get the hoover ready for the puff of dust that's going to come out🙄

I agree - and many of the posts are written as if we live 500 years ago and the average life expectancy is not much more than 45. Especially the PP who put 'who will look after your disabled child when you die' 😅

Sounded like a doomsayer from a plague-ridden 14th century Britain.