To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Having a baby at 40 is fairly normal, I never said otherwise. And I never said the OP had done anything wrong.

It is very unusual to get a new baby sibling when you're a mother yourself. She is reacting with shock and confusion as it has come out of the blue, and people calling her vile and selfish are just being ridiculous and very unfair in my book.

I'm sure she will come around before long, but expecting her to welcome the news with glee from the get go is very naive!

Again, I truly don't believe that most of the posters attacking her would have been jumping for joy to find themselves in this situation at 23.

The sensible thing is to talk things through and give her time to get her head around it, not go on the attack.

Of course I can understand that. I have relevant experience. What's not acceptable is taking it out on your DM instead of taking responsibility for your emotions in your mid 20s. With the details added it sounds more like she's upset about losing a babysitter.

No I can't.

She's still an adult - and one with a child of her own at that - capable of understanding that she doesn't own her parents, that telling her mum that she can't have children is totally unacceptable regardless of whether she likes it or not and that selfishly thinking that her daughter has 'grandparent rights' that trump her mother's own life choices and agency.

She might be unhappy. That's fine. But the one thing as an adult she doesn't do, is throw a juvenile tantrum and guilt trip at her mother for daring to have sex and her own life after her daughter has left home.

It's appalling. The OPs post is about whether it's ok for her to have another child, because her daughter has done that much of a number on her.

The adult daughters selfishness is so great it's shocking. She's demonstrated absolutely no self control or self awareness. She's an adult not a ten year old. She doesn't live at home and she has her own life.

And honestly if she was looking to her mother providing all the child care then wow. If she's jealous of her mother, then wow. If she thinks her mother is trying to compete with her then wow. All of this is her problem. Not the OPs.

The OP is 40. It's NORMAL to have children at 40. In the past it was normal to have 20 year old kids who were having babies whilst you were still popping them out.

This madam needs to get the fuck over herself. Psychological shock? Really no. See my above point. This is selfish and she thinks she should have soul rights to her mother and her mother should not have her own life after having her. It's ageist to boot. She thinks her mother's entire life should revolve around her. Still. When she's in her twenties. It's about time she grew the fuck up.

Can people really not understand that this is a huge shock for her emotionally, as it would be for the vast majority of people in her situation?

The "losing a babysitter" line is so flippant.

Agree this may be more to do with losing a babysitter

She should feel guilty that she's feeling this way, not you! Unfair of her

From kids at school who laughed at the fact my nephew was older than me? From their parents who made snide remarks. Not my family. Learn how to read - was literally all in my original post.

"All very close in age, db17 year 12, ds16 year 11, dbro13 is year 9 dd11 year 6 & dsis 10 year 5."

🤯! @Mindovermatter247 you've hurt my brain! 🫨

Congratulations, @pebblecity.

Your daughter will get over it, I hope.

"I focussed on the fact that kids are cruel and parents are worse"

A sad assessment. Where did you learn this if not from your own family?

Give her time . She is being very unfair . My oldest is almost 20 years older than my last and step son is 21 years older than her . They grew used to it .
Maybe she need a reminder from a 3 rd party that you still love her and your grandchild and that you stood by her when her child was born and she should do the same . She is old enough to realise families have lots if forms and shapes

This

That's the spirit @PersephonePomegranate23! 😂🤣

How long have you worked in family therapy?

Congratulations!!!

Yes, you were right to do this and no, you have no reason to feel guilty whatsoever.

Perhaps your daughter could send you a link to the Act of Parliament which says that only she is allowed to have a child right now?

Congrats OP. I think your DD is just shocked, my mum is around the same age and I think I would be shocked too if she declared she was pregnant considering she’s a grandma to 6 😅

the dynamic will be different now, you’ll no longer be ‘grandma’ you’ll be ‘new mum’ and be completely wrapped up in that, that must be hard for her considering she probably hopes for a close grandparent relationship for her DD.

I think it's time, once she's calmed down, to talk to her about your journey to get here, especially as she may experience similar along the track. She's a grown adult and a mother. Maybe being included in that conversation would help her.

But regardless of all that, congrats OP!

I was literally going to say this. You say she wasn’t aware of your losses so therefore probably had no idea you were trying for another baby. This is a very large age gap and she has probably got used to the dynamic you have now, particularly now that she has a child of her own and you are a grandmother.

She is not asking you to “kill” your baby. But OP she is also still your baby. Albeit grown up. Please try and be compassionate to her and try and see this from her side. It is likely once she is over the shock she will calm down but you must appreciate what big news this is and she is naturally worried it will change the whole family dynamic and your relationship with her and your grandchild.

Dd will be fine once the shock is over.
It will be like the 1800s when many families had a child around the same age as their first grandchild.
It will be fun.
I would make sure your grand daughter had some special toys/things from her mother preserved, though.
Photos of your first duaghter still on show etc.

Good luck, enjoy it all

Gosh she is being very bratty. I hope she apologises to you quickly so this doesn't ruin the pregnancy.

Agreed...Oh well, out with the old, and in with the new, eh.... Let's start over with a new kid in middle age with ''new'' man, and sack off the 23 yr old.

Good grief. We're not talking about a child, we're talking about an adult woman raising her own child. When you move out and start your own family, you don't get to dictate what your parents do next.

And yes, I have been there, unfortunately the baby did not come to be but the idea was met with excitement, and a new member of the family would have been welcomed and loved. This woman is only thinking of herself, at any age that's gross.

But OP was 17 having her first baby, whilst her daughter was 22. Obviously 22 is still young but completely different to 17 imo.

True, impressive was probably not the right word

Absolutely not her choice, and if that’s the only reason she doesn’t want you to have a child then she’s defo worried about the family dynamic, you’ll have to talk it through with her. Age isn’t an issue, my dad had 3 more kids when I was older, my 2 youngest siblings, are younger than my son, and dd is older than the youngest. All very close in age, db17 year 12, ds16 year 11, dbro13 is year 9 dd11 year 6 & dsis 10 year 5. I think it will be good for gc to have an aunt or uncle in close age gap.

Agreed...Oh well, out with the old, and in with the new, eh.... Let's start over with a new kid in middle age with ''new'' man, and sack off the 23 yr old.

That's what it sounds like.

A friend was at a funeral recently , and there were two ''new'' younger children, one of the parents had died, and unbelievably the Vicar didn't even mention the older child {a young adult} just wittered on about the ''loss'' to the ''Two children''...NO, there are THREE children! but so often in new relationships, the older one gets shoved out.

@iwafs
With this in mind, I might meet fire with fire and say: to be clear, are you asking me to kill my baby?
Oh good grief, talk about going from zero to a hundred! OPs DD not saying that at all