To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Of course she's not obliged to do anything, but she was incredibly naive to think her daughter would automatically be thrilled at the news.

Should the OPs fertility decisions and life be dictated by her DC, whether the DC 3 or 23? Absolutely not, as mother’s we do take these things into account e.g. teenagers being in exam years, waiting until youngest child in nursery (due to illness in pregnancy) etc, all came into consideration when thinking about timing of next baby etc, anything that would affect my capacity as a mother during the time my children were involuntarily dependant on me of course came into the decision. However this DC is a grown woman, she’s already lucky enough to still have her mother and a mother who sounds like a keen grandparent too, she’s entitled to feel how she likes but the OP is not obliged to live her life around her daughter’s preferences

One factor being the DD’s choice to be a young mother.

I genuinely don't know a single person who thinks "I'd better not have a baby in my early twenties in case my mum randomly decides to get pregnant again after 23 years" 🙈

I genuinely sympathise with her DD being surprised or even shocked if she didn’t know that an other child was (even a remote) possibility.

I understand OP not wanting to discuss pregnancy loss explicitly - seeing as there are different levels of openness and sharing - but if there had been some kind of flow of information…

If OP had asked whether her approach to this whole thing had been unreasonable I would have said “yes, you could have handled this better”.

But I do not believe that OP is unreasonable to have this baby or that she should have ended her fertility journey as soon as her DD got pregnant.

My ex was the baby you’re going to have. His much older sibling already had a child and was furious that the grandparents would be busy parenting their newborn when they ‘should’ be helping with childcare. The relationship between the parents and older sibling never recovered, cordial at best I’d say. It was really sad because the brother really, really resented my ex and was only civil with his parents (I always found it odd that they were never invited for
xmas or anything… another sibling eventually explained the situation to me).

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

Personally yes- I do think becoming a grandparent is a good time to consider whether having more babies is a good idea. I think a lot of people, men and women, would see welcoming a grandchild as a good marker to not continue having children. As I put previously- OP could would still be at a generally ‘fertile’ age when her daughter is in her late 20s so her DD being a younger mum isn’t overly relevant.

And I don’t consider that (that = the DD gaining a sibling) to be a problem. Do you?
The OP clearly didn’t.

But her DD evidently does. She should therefore consider that multiple factors lead up to this. One factor being the DD’s choice to be a young mother.

Also theres a 17 year age gap between OP and her daughter

There will be a 24 year age gap between DD and sibling.

So she’s closer in age to her mum than her sibling. I imagine that takes a bit of getting your head around!

It's nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that she's a grandparent who's going to have two children with a 24 year age gap.

I can understand the shock, but her reaction shows how truly immature she still is at the age of 23.

Hopefully, after her new sibling arrives, she'll have a chance to wrap her head around it and have a bit more mature attitude about the entire situation.

OPs DD was a first-time mum at 22, so a good five years older than OP herself was.

Even if DD had her first child in her late 20s her mum is only seventeen years older -so pregnancy would still be a possibility even then.

DD gaining a sibling in her 20s is more to do with the fact OP was such a young mother.

Predicted? Why would anyone expect her to predict it? She’ll simply have to accept that life doesn’t always turn out as expected. A valuable lesson a 23 yo should have already learnt…

but most importantly:

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

I agree with this.
at 23, out of no where, her mum has got pregnant
if the daughter knew of the losses and how much her mum was trying to conceive, she may have been more open and supportive.
Now it’s just a massive shock. She is 23, a lot to get her head round

To those saying the daughter should have been made aware they were ttc.
How many people would seriously tell their daughter they were actively trying for a baby? Or want to hear that.
Especially if they've been trying for decades and had several losses.
Are parents allowed no privacy?

Biggest congratulations to you!!!

at 23, I must admit, I would be absolutely flabbergasted if my mum had got pregnant. I’m not surprised she is so shocked. It probably is partly jealousy but given as you’ve said she had no idea on your losses and that you were ttc, for her, it’s come out of no where. It must be really strange for her to get her head around, I can understand it.

but don’t let that take away your happiness! She is an adult it isn’t actually her business. Xx

This argument doesn't hold any water given that OP herself was a teen mum.

Her DD could not have predicted this.

If we really want to talk about “whose time” it is and whether it’s “fair” to the children we should talk about the choices that lead up to this.

OP’s DD was about 9 years younger than the UK’s average first time mother. She chose to be a young mother. And no, a decade below the national average isn’t “normal” either.

and now she’s finding out that choices come with consequences. it’s okay to be surprised or shocked.
But to call her mother’s pregnancy disgusting? To threaten the grandparent-grandchild relationship just because her mother dared be pregnant? It’s extremely selfish and controlling.

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a young mother?

She isn't being childish at all, the OP had just her for 23 years and is now overshadowing her being a mum by getting pregnant and having another child. It's really weird and her daughter has every right to be hurt and confused.

Congratulations OP. Your dd is still young and still has some childish feelings, but she will get over it.

She's being really immature. I'd be delighted, the kids will be close in age and probably great friends and companions, and you can't buy that kind of lifelong connection.

Its not nonsense though! Have you been in this situation? Because I have, im the GC with aunts younger than me. Its not 'normal' and its not nice being ridiculed as a kid. Its not just my opinion because these are my real feelings and they're valid! Whether you like it or not, there comes a time when you have to accept that maybe you're done having kids. And once you become a GP that time should be now. The OPs age isn't really the issue, its about doing the right thing by the DD and GC that you do have here and now. And yes, its the DDs time to have kids so why does OP feel the need to overshadow that

maybe. But that doesn’t seem to be what most commenters are commenting about. It’s about age gaps, the time to be a mother, life stages etc.

I do however think that the surprise - or shock… - could have been avoided if OP and her DH had been a little bit (even just a little bit) more open about their fertility struggles or at least their desire to have an other child.

@StopStartStop offff course you were 👍

Which is why you go on an urleated rant about older parents being fertile sexually active women, and find it impossible to empathise with the young mother (the exact same age that you apparently were)

What?
Yes, I was an 'elderly primagravida' - at age 24.
And as for being rude... first take the jot from your own eye. Bet you don't know that, either.

But in OPs case she’s had just one child, 23 years ago.

I imagine it would probably be a little bit less of a shock for the DD if OP already had some other small children.