To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Congratulations 🧸 she needs to grow up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat, enjoy your baby ❤️

Cleary jealous, anyway non of her business.

I don’t think her daughter’s reaction was to be expected as many older DC feel the complete opposite

But this is a bit more than an older child getting a sibling. This is a young mum with a toddler who now has to get her head around the idea that she's getting a baby sibling who will be 24 years younger than her and nearly two years younger than her own child.

That's a very unusual scenario and not one that most people ever think will happen to them, especially as OP has never given her daughter any inkling that she wants to have another baby.

Congratulations on the new baby. Your daughter has been an only child for her whole life. She is reacting as if she is still a child. She is afraid of being pushed out, however she is an adult and needs to deal with it. Being nasty to you is not acceptable. Tell her straight you will not accept this behaviour. Tell her that love does not have limits and her and her daughter will still be loved the same. I can see why she is worried but ber behaviour is not acceptable

I think your main problem here is communication. As she hasn't known your desire to have another baby or about your struggles and losses (which must have been devestating) she has happily been an only child for all her life and now out of the blue feels like she and her daughter's noses are going to be pushed right out. Yes she's a young adult with her own child but jealousy can hit at any age. I've got 2 big age gaps between our children (our eldest is 30, youngest is 6) and our youngest is younger than 4 of our grandchildren so I know the struggles. I would sit her down and tell her everything, about how long you've tried, the losses and that nothing will change for her and her daughter as you will still be there for them, she will come around in time.

How does not reacting a certain way make somebody entitled? Giving ultimatums (about the pregnancy) would be an example of controlling or entitled behaviour.

She's entitled to her feelings, and that doesn't make op wrong for having another pregnancy as a once teen mother and someone who has had fertility issues. Good for her. There doesn't have to be a vivid guy and a bad guy.

My eldest child is two years younger than my mums youngest- these overlaps happen. Existing children still aren't compelled to react in the way you deem acceptable. She'll come around in time.

@StopStartStopoffff course you were 👍

Indeed I was. I still have the documentation that states that, and, thank God, I have the dd who is 41 years old.

You need to grow up.

Really??? Glad I don’t live in your restricted world, I’m certainly not the only grandma having a (naturally conceived) child in early 40s and was very common in the past. It really isn’t usually an issue but apparently there seems to be a small cohort of very entitled adult DC about 😕

You talk to her and tell her
You are pregnant
You are having a child
These are facts

She can either get behind you or she can act like a self centred brat who thinks tormenting a pregnant woman is appropriate

How the relationship pans out is down to her choices now.

Not a healthy or proportionate reaction, and I would go NC if my mother spoke to me like that.

I'm another one who's looked through the posts and seen op has not defended her daughter, which is a bit strange.

This is a good point, im seeing a parent that actually gives a shit about how she feels and regularly babysits her grandchild sounds lovely and helpful so it doesn't sound like she's got it too bad compared to a lot of upbringings.
I'd be grateful to have a loving mum that would do those things.

Your Dd won't feel like this when your dc arrives.

She is on a new life pathway so are you

@Lookingatthesunset

I think I agree. Depending on the exact reaction it should hopefully be something everyone can move past.

I think in a healthy family relationship the daughter should be able to express that she's a bit surprised/upset etc. But then she needs to make an effort to come around.

And OP is not being unreasonable to want another baby.

She's not. She's her mother's child and did not expect to have a sibling. That's ok. She doesn't get to decide it's not ok though. It's something that she will have to come to terms with.

Tell her she's a selfish little brat and you are not asking her permission, you are having your baby and if she doesn't like it, well too bad.

Ffs, op said they’ve been trying for a long time with many losses. Also maybe she didn’t meet her baby’s father until her mid 30s? Very normal. They wanted a child together, like many couples of that age. She hasn’t ‘waited until it’s her daughters turn’!

I don’t think her daughter’s reaction was to be expected as many older DC feel the complete opposite, my own grown up DC have all been really happy at the news of a new baby sibling as have other adult children I’ve known in similar circumstances. Granted you really never know how a child will react to the news whatever age they are. It’s understandable she’s surprised at her DDs reaction if they’ve been trying to conceive for years and nothing mentioned before. What the OP thought her DDs reaction may be is kind of irrelevant to the main gist of the post as OP is more asking is she’s being unreasonable having gone down this path

Of all the terrible upbringings, poverty, abuse, mental health problems, neglect, narcissistic abuse and then ... oh yes your parents having another child!
Absolutely go nc for that one.

I hope OP has got the validation she needed from this post and feels good about the awful things people have said about her daughter. I could have just missed it but I've not seen OP comment besides thanking people for their comments. For sure I think there is something deeper going on here. Perhaps the mum steals the daughters thunder at each important phase of life. The post is too vague for anyone to give any sort of useful advice.

I have siblings close in age to my kids and it was brilliant for them growing up hanging out together.

She’s put out because you won’t be able to give all the love attention and stuff to her and her daughter. This is the bit that needs addressing.

That's should be: "To the effect of wtf"

From OP

Dd is disgusted at the thought

So the DD is simply shocked and maybe made a face or words to the effect of 'etc' most likely. She didn't call her mum 'disgusting'.

Also, the consequences of being a young mum are that your mum might get pregnant when you're 24? Controlling for not being instantly thrilled and supportive of a massive life change and new sibling as an adult? Blaming the DD for being a 'young mother' at an age that 'isn't normal'?

I really don't see how half the stuff on this thread has been extrapolated. Obviously from people who were older mothers and feel defensive, and have never been in the position of an adult with new siblings coming. Most people aren't going to be super happy about it.

Are you really saying its not normal to have a baby at the age of 23. Dont be ridiculous. OP made a choice to be a young mother, her DD is even older than she was. Lets be honest, its OPs decisions that have led to this and no one elses. Should DD have waited 12 more years to have a baby, just incase her DM decided she wasnt done having babies. At the point of having GCs, yes id expect my mum to end her TTC journey. Id do the same for my kids, im not selfish and always put their needs first. Id take the time now to be the GP they need me to be. Its not the Jeremy Kyle show

so this isn’t about the “shock factor” (which you mentioned in a previous comment) but about the fact that OP is a grandmother who is about have a child herself, something you apparently simply disagree with.

I personally think it’s completely understandable that OP didn’t just end her fertility journey (especially after multiple pregnancy losses) simply because her DD had a baby.

And I do not think that a fertile adult woman’s fertility and her right to choose should be controlled by what her DD considers to be an appropriate age gap. Or whether her DD chose to be a mother herself.

The whole things irrelevant now isn't it. A baby is already on the way and dd has already stated her stance on the situation.
The most important person in all this which has been overlooked is the baby who should be the priority in all this and as long as he/she is cared for and loved by the parents then that's all that matters.