To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

That's a very unusual scenario and not one that most people ever think will happen to them, especially as OP has never given her daughter any inkling that she wants to have another baby.

It is not very unusual if you are from a large family and large families weren’t that long ago. It’s also not unusual for a woman of OP’s age to have a baby and not share her struggles with her daughter because frankly it isn’t the daughter’s business when she doesn’t live with OP and her daughter has her own partner and family.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

IMO, there's a huge difference between your mum and dad choosing to have a 24 year gap between siblings, and your parents divorcing, re-marrying and naturally going on to start second families.

If I was 23 years old with a toddler and my mum told me that, after 24 years, she was going to have a second child, I would wonder whether she'd lost her senses lol. If she'd divorced my dad, re-married and started another family then I would think "oh, fair enough, she wants a baby with John too".

They're completely different situations.

Yeah my stepmother is close in age to me, about 5 years older. She’s a welcome figure in my life. We get on well as women, not stepmother/daughter which is fine. My own uncle is also five years older than me and we’ve always had a very brother/sister relationship. I have a big multi layered family and it’s nice.

The DD might come to terms with it in time, or she might not. The little ones might bond, or they might not. Either way, OP will have to accept it as the price of her life choices, in the same way that many posters are demanding that the DD come to terms with the new situation.

Yes I think this sums it up really.
DD may come round, or it may push her away and the relationship may not ever be the same. Time will tell.

I had a friend who had nephews and nieces much older than she was. It was always a bit of a friendly joke and not an issue at all. One of our friends has just had a 4th child, with his new, younger wife, who is a couple of months older than his new grandson. No problem.

Im glad you had that experience. I didnt.

i was 33 when my youngest sibling was born. He’s 15 years younger than my eldest. It’s wasn’t a big deal and nobody batted an eyelid.

Absolutely is was very common in the past. Women married young and continued having children until they hit menopause by which time their eldest children had families of their own. My grandmothers youngest cousins are barely a decade older than me and we are all very close and I love having such a multi layered family. I had my last child at 39 and was sterilised because we’d had so many problems with genetics and stuff. My eldest is 22 and if she had of got pregnant as a teen it wouldn’t have stopped me having my bonus babies in my late 30s.

I don’t. By the time one child is an adult and are living independently it really isn’t much difference to the living set up of half siblings. I have 22 year old and a 1 nearly 2 year old and my oldest kid wasn’t too impressed until she actually met the baby. Now they have a lovely bond.

My youngest brother is the youngest of several, all of whom are more than 20 years younger than me. I remember my daughter bouncing her aunt on her knee calling her aunty baby. It’s not a biggie and doesn’t need to be.

Tell her to get over it. You’re only 40, most people don’t have their first until mid to late 30s / early 40s these days!

She will come around.

Happy for you OP, congratulations!

I think it's a bit different when there are half-siblings and second marriages involved.

Well, I think the DD’s reaction was entirely predictable. The mother figure she has known all her life is effectively going to disappear, with the grandchild pushed way down the pecking order. She may not have taken it well, but she probably deserves to be cut some slack.

The DD might come to terms with it in time, or she might not. The little ones might bond, or they might not. Either way, OP will have to accept it as the price of her life choices, in the same way that many posters are demanding that the DD come to terms with the new situation.

However, I don’t think the OP is that bothered about preserving the closeness with her elder daughter, judging by the tone of her replies - it all feels a bit ‘out with the old, in with the new’.

Of course you were right to go ahead if it's what you want, OP. Your daughter is an adult and will come around - but at the end of the day, even if she doesn't, it's none of her business. I can understand why it will be odd for her that your child will be younger than hers, but that's how it goes sometimes - both of you had your first children very young, so it can and does happen.

Enjoy your pregnancy and give your daughter some space to get used to the idea.

I have 5 siblings, the youngest who is 18 months younger than my eldest son. Bit of a shock sure, my dad wasn’t meant to even be able to have any more. But we had a laugh about it and moved on 🤷🏼‍♀️

Imo it’s a disproportionate reaction, but equally only she knows what’s going through her head. I’m wondering if the reason she’s upset goes beyond the reasons she’s given you. Then again, she could just be petty. But’d leave the dust to settle and make it clear the ball is in her court to come and discuss with you when she’s ready.

My mum and grandma’s pregnancies overlapped, so my uncle and me were born 7 months apart. We were best friends throughout childhood, and remained extremely close until his death last year.

I imagine the situation caused waves in their family at the time, but people just get on with it eventually.

Congratulations!

Why would her mother having another child make her less likely to be a 'babysitter'? She'll be at home on maternity for a year, not working.

Highly doubt she's upset for that reason. She has a partner of her own. The 1 year old comes 'occasionally'.

People are seriously reaching with this reasoning.

Thing is she may still have a baby sitter. However it is likely to be more mutual care.

You need to do what you want, she will adjust in time. Maybe if you share with her how hard your journey has been to get to this stage she will understand better? It's not like you have chosen this big an age gap, it has just taken that long to happen for you guys.

Congratulations x

@pebblecity Seems your daughter is upset she won’t have a baby sitter as you’ll be looking after your own new baby.

also sounds like she needs to grow up.

As a grown woman who wants a child and has tried for a while I don’t think you need to explain yourself to anyone. She doesn’t even live under your roof. Congratulations and good luck!

@pebblecity you know you're not in the wrong, and you're being very kind about this awful self absorbed reaction from your dd, who is also a mother so should have a lot more understanding of how hurtful the suggestion that this baby is not convenient or ok, is. I think your biggest concern should be, how do you go about instilling more morals in the first DD and strip away the childish entitlement of hers. Good luck and congratulations x

Nah I’m 40 and I have a 22 year old daughter and I also have a 7 year old half brother. Nobody bats an eyelid. My stepmother is 5 years older than me. It’s more common than you think.

She is being selfish and jealous. Ignore her reaction, she will come around.

Nothing to do with her. My daughter was 20 when my youngest was born. She wasn’t best pleased I was pregnant but now they have such a close bond, it’s lovely to see.

I know someone who this happened to.
The older daughter decades on is still bitter.
But the parents are happy. And the younger daughter they had is nice.

Basically, she may always feel that way and project it.
But if you're bringing life into the world that you want to, dont let her opinion stop you!
You're younger daughter will be glad to exist I'm sure!

Its awful that you're other daughter is putting that level of pressure on you.
If she has feelings thats fair to her. But to then impose what she wants onto you is totally not okay.

You do you.