To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Wtf.

your kid is throwing a tantrum over not being an only child…. Just like she would or could at two years old if that’s when you chose to do it.

reassure her she is loved. The baby won’t replace her. This literally used to happen all the time when people had bigger families.

sooo cool that this kid will get a nibbling around their age to ‘sibling’ with on occasion.

congratulations! Being a mom at 40 vs 17 is gonna be soo different and wonderful. Don’t take any shit about your age, very healthy babies and moms and pregnancies happen into 40’s.

sending alll the love and support. Don’t let daughter such a second of joy out of this for you, she’s just being selfish and you have some more parenting to do there. Good luck.

It's just a passing comment and I wasn't the only one who noticed. Op may have decided not to come back as the comments were too overwhelming 🤷‍♀️

@Krabappel she literally thanks people for their replys and not all of them are calling out her DD, who by the way is being awful in this scenario imo, so the op probably does feel happy to read she's not in the wrong but I'd guess as it's anonymous and no one knows her dd, that she's not remotely bothered about wasting time correcting people's assumptions about her, unknown to mumsnetters DD 🤷🏼‍♀️

All the posters aren’t insulting her daughter though. OP doesn’t need to return to tell posters off for giving their opinions of her situation. It also depends on what one considers insulting.

You've misunderstood and need to read again.

She's not thanking people FOR slagging off the daughter.

But she is thanking the same people who ARE insulting the daughter.

It's weird, and you wonder what the relationship is like. If people were doing that to my dd, I'd say 'hang on a minute, that's not quite right' and maybe add further info to clarify.

OP wrote:

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.

Other than that post and the other adding the detail that her daughter not only doesn’t live with her but has her own family, she hasn’t written anything that could read that she is thanking people for insulting her daughter. The post directly before that wasn’t insulting her daughter at all if that was the poster she was directing her message to.

I think it’s weird you are choosing to read it that way when OP has only posted three posts in this entire thread.

I understand you having a baby and I understand your DDs reaction. It will change your role as mother and grandmother to her family and she’s allowed to struggle with that.

Was her baby planned? I suppose that's what you have to expect if you have a baby when your Mum is still at a fertile age. If she would have waited ten years the age gap wouldn't be as close. But for you I think it will be great because if your little one doesn't get a sibling her age she can still play with her niece.

It’s reasonable to assume that new baby’s dad is not the same as daughter’s dad given that otherwise it would mean she’s been with the same person since having a child together at age 17 (not unheard of but unusual) but most importantly to the assumption- they would have taken 23 years to get pregnant with a second child.

Why do you assume DH isn’t dds dad?🤔

@Sako81 I'm sorry to hear that

OP does say her DD has no idea about her losses or that she was trying for another baby and I do think that if she knew, she'd be behaving differently.

It's the thanking the very same people who are insulting your daughter. It comes across weird. If it was me, I'd probably say 'thank you, but my dd isn't like that, she's very nice and I think she's just...'

My brother is 2 weeks older than my first dd it's so weird there in the same class at school. Uncle and niece together in year 4. Still can't get my head around it sometimes!

@Crocadoodledoo

However, I don’t think the OP is that bothered about preserving the closeness with her elder daughter, judging by the tone of her replies - it all feels a bit ‘out with the old, in with the new’.

Which replies? She says she feels really guilty and thanks people for advice but I can't see anymore messages from the original post?

Like OP we had losses.

It might be unusual in the 2020s but a generation or so ago with big families it wasn't that unusual.

I was in primary with a girl who's uncle was a couple of years older. It meant they were more like cousins than uncle / neice.

Enjoy your baby 👶

Oh I do apologize she's 23 not 17.

Before I opened this thread I was thinking could she be a tad and somewhat understandably envious. She's an adult and mums having a baby before she does. However its very much the opposite she is still not much more than a child herself and she already has her own baby.
Could she be a tad embarrassed after all when you're a teenager your parents "don't have sex", do they. I know someone Age 21 at who moved out when she found out her mum was pregnant. She only lasted on her own for 2 weeks, mind. 😂

That's pretty precious.
If a 23 year old is embarrassed that her 40 year old mother is having a baby which therefore means she's having sex then she must be extremely immature.

People are being unkind about your daughter. It's just been her for all this time and she's a bit shocked and it's not how she thought things would pan out. It'll work out and she'll come round. I expect she feels she will be less central to your life and you'll be a family separately to her.

It’s the opposite for me. People have done the baby phase and moved on to the next phase of life. It doesn’t make sense to go back a step just because they have a new partner.

obviously people can and should do what they want. That doesn’t mean the people caught in the wake won’t find it odd and maybe need to adjust.

Op would be wise to remember that those of us who are just using it for Internet forum discussion fodder will continue to dissect for eternity and never reach a consensus so our opinion doesn’t really matter.

That is quite unusual though - there aren't many families who deliberately choose such a big age gap between children.

Not a huge difference between me
and DH having two babies 20 years after the first though, which is precisely what we did.

I think it’s unusual in todays world of contraception to have such an huge age gap with grandchildren already unless it’s a redo second family.

I know one family and it failed on the basis of the mother daughter relationship and her daughter wasn’t that fussed till it actually changed everything.

Absolutely. OP’s biological destiny is not controlled by her adult daughter purely because she is her daughter. Imagine if the daughter came
on here saying my mum doesn’t want to me to continue with my pregnancy because she doesn’t want a grandchild?