To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Will she have lost her babysitter?

I get your points about the jealousy, but she's 23, not 17.

A little bit maturity can be expected from her.

Congratulations OP!

Your daughter is out of order, tell her she's a mother now and needs to grow up.

My DH is the "new sibling" in this scenario and tbh it caused a lot of issues. His older siblings greatly resented him and even now he's accused of being "the favourite". His parents were also better off when he was growing up and materially, he probably had a nicer time of things than his siblings.

I'm not saying don't do it, but be prepared for them to not have much of a relationship and for any issues to carry on well into adulthood. DH is 40 now and just this weekend there was a big bust up where things from his childhood were brought up and his dad was accused of playing favourites as he's the "baby".

Many congratulations, your DD will soon settle to the idea. Try not too worry. I am sure you wouldn’t tell your adult DD if she could have another baby or not. Good luck OP, wishing you all the best for a healthy pregnancy

I think give her some time t get used to the idea.She is still quite young, and was probably a bit shocked at your news .I think when baby arrives she will be fine .The children will be close in age and become friends

Really? 😂

Your DD needs to grow up.

She's worried she's going to lose her free babysitter

I’m the ‘second child’ in OPs scenario (so other side to Rainy who was the older sibling.)

My ‘nephew’ is older than me. My sister is 20+ years older than me. It’s shit. Absolutely awful. Genuinely wouldn’t wish the situation on anymore. It destroyed my parent’s relationship with my older sister. I have no relationship with my nephew - and all our friends are mutual friends by the nature of growing up nearby and being of a similar age (same bloody year group) which is awful. Literally words cannot describe how awful. It’s shit. The judgment growing up from other children and their parents. Knowing my sister despised my existence…

I’m genuinely happy for OP, but posters pretending this is not life-changing and going to deeply affect both the unborn and the older daughter are ridiculous. It’s great news for OP, but it’s not for her daughter and whilst the daughter doesn’t get a say, it’s callous and unreasonable to expect her to suck it up.

This. I hope she realizes how ridiculous she is acting. Please do not let this stop you from enjoying your pregnancy. Congratulations!

I think some of the comments towards your DD are really harsh.

It's really easy to sit here behind a screen and call a stranger a nasty brat, but if the DD had no idea her mum was trying for a baby, it must have come as a pretty big shock, especially when she's had 20+ years to have another child and now has a grandchild that she cares for regularly too.

Give her time to come to terms with it all. It's a big life change for her as well as for you. I know if my mum had told me she was pregnant when I was in my 20's and had a child of my own, I'd have been pretty "wtf" about it too.

I don't know why so many people are being so nasty about your daughter. People on here can be so horrible and lacking in any empathy I find.

She's been an only child for 23 years and even though she lives away from you, everything she knows and has known her whole life is going to be turned upside down by this. She had no idea you'd been trying for years as you kept the miscarriages secret so it's come out of the blue as a huge shock at a time when she would no doubt have assumed you were past considering having another child. I don't think it's about babysitting at all as some people have meanly suggested - you've already said that there is plenty of room for both. But her child is going to have an aunt that is two years younger than she is - your daughter is going to have a sister that is younger than her own daughter - it's a lot to get your head around at 23.

Just be reassuring and positive and I'm sure she'll come round with time.

I'm really surprised by this response. Kind words? People are ripping your daughter apart, they are far from kind words.

I think you need to try and understand where you daughter is coming from. Writing her off as 'selfish' and 'wicked' and moving on to start a new family isn't really the way forward if you want to continue to have a relationship with your daughter and granddaughter.

Nonsense.

I'm sure her happiness matters to her mother, the OP.

She is having a completely natural reaction to what will feel like a really strange situation.

That doesn't mean the OP has done anything wrong, but I am surprised she didn't anticipate her daughter's discomfort and maybe do a bit of groundwork to prepare her for the possibility of a baby sibling.

Having a second family like this is going to create strong emotions for your oldest child. It’s surprising that you are surprised by her less than enthusiastic reaction.

you are free to live your life and do what you want. You have to understand that you are upsetting the natural rhythm of things. You also are setting up a situation where your oldest may feel replaced. That this is happening when she should be celebrating her pregnancy and getting support from a grandparent will make it extra difficult to process.

you need to give her time. She is highly unlikely to hate her sibling. She just needs to adjust to an odd situation.

I also think your daughter's behaviour is understandable. Grandma being pregnant is pretty unusual.

Your daughter is about to have a sibling who won't really feel like a sibling due to the age gap. That's a bit of a mind fuck.

And then she's losing the doting grandma. Grandma is going to be tired from looking after her own baby. The dynamic will completely change.

And her mum is suddenly back at the same life stage as her. That's also a mind fuck.

I'm sure she will come around, but I can understand that she's disappointed.

I pondered it but figured it wasn’t worth the all the comments I’d get back calling me ageist or some shit 😂

Ufff, dd needs to grow up. Yaiks.

As an adult woman who lives independently and has support elsewhere, her happiness about the situation shouldn't even come into it.

Her happiness about this does not matter at all.

She sounds petty and jealous and those are only problems she can fix. This is not on you.

Congratulations, and I'm happy for you.

Congratulation on your pregnancy. I think she's in a bit of shock but will get over it.

There were plenty of children in between but there are 23yrs between the oldest and youngest in my mums family. It used to be a pretty common thing I am a lot closer in age to my youngest aunt than my mum and we have a fantastic relationship. My mum also has a good relationship with her.

This. It's obvious why she's upset, and those posters are completely failing to put themselves in her shoes.

She's in shock, I'm sure she'll come around in time.

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

• Shes used to having you to herself.
• She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
• She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
• she knows how much time and attention they take
• she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
• she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
• depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
• youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
• youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
• her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
• she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
• the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Your daughter is very silly, selfish and entitled 🤨

There are a lot of bizarre and frankly ignorant responses here. Of course she’s not selfish, immature, a brat, etc. She is the child of a teenage mother, which is not an easy thing to be. Statistically they have “worse” outcomes than children born to older parents. They are more likely to become very young parents themselves, which she has. They are likely to earn less throughout their lives and complete less education than their peers with older parents. There are decades of research about this. I mean, why do people think we try so hard to reduce teen pregnancy rates? For fun?

She’s going to have a lot of complex feelings about her mother being pregnant. She could be feeling confused or resentful that her new sibling will have a much different and likely better experience growing up in a household with two parents. She could be wondering where that leaves her as OP’s daughter. She could be confused and upset at the idea of explaining to her daughter that her aunt is younger than she is. And, as her sibling grows, she might continue to have periods of distress when she sees and compares the childhood they are having to what she experienced. This is all normal, and none of it makes her selfish or a bad person. It’s just something she’s going to have to process as it happens.

And to be clear, I’m not stating any of that to disparage the OP and I’m not making any specific claims. I’m just saying that it is a much more complex situation than most posters seem to understand. If the OP wants to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter and grandchild she is going to need to show some patience and understanding here, not go in with guns blazing and “get her told” like some people are suggesting.