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Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 18/03/2024 19:28

CammyChameleon · 18/03/2024 19:19

Yeah, I can see why she's upset.

Her daughter's relationship with you is going to suffer as you'll prioritise your new baby.

She's going to feel less able to lean on you for any kind of support because you're going to be occupied with your baby.

They're way too far apart for a sibling relationship as "peers" - even when your second child is a young adult, your DD will be middle aged.

It's "not up to her", of course, but I'm amazed you couldn't see this coming.

I feel for your DD.

Wow, this is just ridiculous. OP gave her daughter years of life, love, support. She has the right to live her life as she wants, especially as her daughter has her own family now. Her life shouldn't end at 43, being the Grandma and unpaid babysitter.
I can see why her daughter feels upset but ultimately, she needs to get over it.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/03/2024 19:28

Devonshiregal · 18/03/2024 16:27

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

  • Shes used to having you to herself.
  • She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
  • She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
  • she knows how much time and attention they take
  • she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
  • she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
  • depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
  • youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
  • youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
  • her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
  • she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
  • the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Edited

This is a really excellent post

Gluggyglaggyglock · 18/03/2024 19:26

Agree with PP, it sounds more like shes worried about losing you as a babysitter than anything

The age gap will be lovely when their older, they might end up really good friends. I'm always a little jealous of families that end up having a granddaughter/sister/niece all around the same age, it must be lovely growing up with a ready made friend whose family

PersephonePomegranate23 · 18/03/2024 19:24

Tell her to fuck off. We're you disappointed or dusgusted when she had a baby at 21 or 22?

Viviennemary · 18/03/2024 19:22

I cam see that it's unusual that her child will be older than your new baby. This used to happen years ago but not so much now. And 21 these days is quite young to have a child. But that's what she chose. And it's absolutely your right to make your choice.You were a grandmother at 38. That's far too young IMHO. But it is what it is and your daughter should just accept your decision with good grace.

DarkDarkNight · 18/03/2024 19:22

She sounds jealous and more bothered about losing a babysitter than your news. Congratulations.

Isitovernow123 · 18/03/2024 19:21

Congrats! Echo others here and say it’s nothing to do with her.

Emarosa · 18/03/2024 19:19

I have an auntie who is younger than me and an uncle who is a similar age. We have a wonderful relationship. They are honestly like my brother and sister. It’s a lovely set up and hopefully your DD will see it that way some day too.

CammyChameleon · 18/03/2024 19:19

Yeah, I can see why she's upset.

Her daughter's relationship with you is going to suffer as you'll prioritise your new baby.

She's going to feel less able to lean on you for any kind of support because you're going to be occupied with your baby.

They're way too far apart for a sibling relationship as "peers" - even when your second child is a young adult, your DD will be middle aged.

It's "not up to her", of course, but I'm amazed you couldn't see this coming.

I feel for your DD.

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/03/2024 19:11

She is being ridiculous. Ignore her.

FortunataTagnips · 18/03/2024 19:09

Congratulations, OP!

40 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby and it shouldn’t be a massive surprise to anyone that you’re having another.

But - if I were your daughter, I’d be feeling sad, too. I’d be worried that my baby would be replaced in her granny’s affections by the new baby and the grandchild-grandparent bond would disappear.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her and reassure her as much as you can that her child will still be important to you.

I really hope you manage to work things out. Flowers

dollybird · 18/03/2024 19:06

It's like Ian and Ben in Eastenders. I think Ian was older than 23 and had three kids of his own already. I think he was horrified but that was probably more likely to do with Phil Mitchell being the dad 😆

Crumpleton · 18/03/2024 19:05

AngeloMysterioso · 18/03/2024 18:49

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the daughter here. She’s a young mum herself with a one year old, and how many of us have relied on our own Mums for emotional if not practical support when we had babies? Now she’s looking at not only losing that support but possibly being in the position of having to provide it to her Mum instead.

Why?

I'd imagine there are many mothers/carers plus 40 year old women out there that have a 2 year old and a new baby themselves.

I'm sure OP Isn't going to just dump her GC and is quite capable of looking after both.

I could wholly understand OP's DD had she been a bit younger/teenager and was going to feel she'd be living in a house and having a new baby disturbing her but at 23 and not even living in the same address not so much.

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2024 19:04

Orangello · 18/03/2024 19:01

there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other.

No, but the granddaughter will likely have a close relationship with just a 2 year gap.

Yes. Until my dad's widow cut contact with us, our children were more like cousins.

I was more like an aunt to them. There's so way I would have had a sibling relationship with them - I was 31.

OhmygodDont · 18/03/2024 19:03

Orangello · 18/03/2024 19:01

there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other.

No, but the granddaughter will likely have a close relationship with just a 2 year gap.

Only if the op can keep the relationship with her daughter.

If ops daughter stays repulsed I doubt any relationship. I wouldn’t fill op with too much hope.

better to be happily surprised than disappointed because of expectations

springisspringingup · 18/03/2024 19:02

ow does it feel to have complete strangers slagging your daughter off like this? It can't be what you were after...

I don't think the op wanted to hear it as she hasn't returned.

Orangello · 18/03/2024 19:01

there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other.

No, but the granddaughter will likely have a close relationship with just a 2 year gap.

RosePombear · 18/03/2024 19:01

I can understand her. She’s been an only child for so long and now she’s moving into a stage of her life where she’s the mum of a young child and instead of having her mums support her mum will also be raising a young child. It will change your relationship and obviously she won’t have a normal sibling relationship with her sibling.
I don’t think she should’ve told you how she felt, at the end of the day she’s a grown up and she should just deal with it, but I can understand why she feels the way she does.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 19:00

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 18:56

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

not really in cases of secondary infertility

Show quote history

But in most of those cases, the parent isn't also a grandparent to a toddler.

It is unusual for a grandparent to actively decide to become a parent again.

betterangels · 18/03/2024 18:57

tillytown · 18/03/2024 18:45

Your daughter is probably concerned she'll end up parenting your new baby, which is a very valid feeling considering the age gap - not your age, theirs, there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other. Also, why did you thank people for the kind words whilst completely ignoring the people who have name called and insulted your child? Very weird.

Absolutely all of this.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 18/03/2024 18:57

I’m a similar age to your daughter and while I’d be very surprised if my mum decided to have another child, it would not be my place to disapprove or try to talk her out of it. Your daughter is an adult who doesn’t even live with you anymore. It’s absolutely none of her business.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 18:56

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 18:56

She was five years older than OP was when she got pregnant Hmm

Generally speaking, I agree with you that 40 isn't too old to have a baby. However, it is unusual for a 40 year old grandparent to decide to have a second baby 23 years after the first one.

Show quote history

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

not really in cases of secondary infertility

betterangels · 18/03/2024 18:56

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 14:55

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.

Edited

How does it feel to have complete strangers slagging your daughter off like this? It can't be what you were after...

Isittimeformynapyet · 18/03/2024 18:56

distinctpossibility · 18/03/2024 17:50

@Isittimeformynapyet not to derail but plenty of psychologists have theorised it's an anti-incest thing, which does make sense to me 💁

Oh, ok. I'll have a look.

Maybe I overrode biology when it came to my own parents then.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 18:56

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 18:44

@OhmygodDont

yep!

so maybe it’s not that op is old to be having a baby

but more that her daughter is young to be having a baby

Show quote history

She was five years older than OP was when she got pregnant Hmm

Generally speaking, I agree with you that 40 isn't too old to have a baby. However, it is unusual for a 40 year old grandparent to decide to have a second baby 23 years after the first one.