To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

I think that's incredibly harsh.

It's pretty unusual for a grandparent to actively decide to become a parent all over again, especially when they had their only other child 23 years ago. I suspect if OP already had a young child then it wouldn't be so much of an issue, but as it is, this is pretty much a bolt out of the blue.

I also don't think her DD needs to be pleased that she's going to have a baby sibling when she's 23 years old and already raising her own toddler. It's going to change her entire life as well as the relationship her child has with her grandparents.

Congratulations.

It's unusual for an aunt or uncle to be so close in age to their neice or nephew but not unheard of particularly in larger families. She'll just have to get over it.

your daughter doesn’t have to like it.

Congratulations!

Congratulations , what wonderful news!

I don't think your DD is being kind or reasonable. But this is a major, major change for her! She's going from being an only child to having a sibling on the way. That is a big shock for any child, but for one who has matured all the way to adulthood as an only child, rather than being very young themselves (and therefore more malleable mentally) when their new sibling arrived, it is a fundamental change to her entire identity, the dimensions of her relationship with her parents and so on.

I'm not surprised she is acting out at this news as it's so foundational and huge. The bedroom thing is just her brain reaching for a rational way to explain why she feels so perturbed, because the deep emotional matter is very hard to express. So don't focus on that.

I would give her time. I think it is the only thing that will enable this huge adjustment. Be honest, be true to your own feelings - but do be patient with her. I am an only child and I can't imagine how weird it would have felt if my mum had another child when I was in my 20s. I really can't tell you how weird it feels to even imagine it! You will make this adjustment together I am sure.

With love and time, all things are possible.

Congratulations again.

Absolutely agree. @Devonshiregal has put it so eloquently and it's nothing about ''Babysitters'' or anything else so mundane..It is about feeling as Devonshire says on so many levels.

Well done, Devonshire, a feeling and intelligent understanding, and I bet this is exactly how the 23 yr old feels.

Heck, even when there is a 13, 16 year age gap the teenagers are hardly best pleased {New marriages}.

It’s a very odd situation and I’m not surprised your DD has reacted this way. I’d also be gutted if my DM had my sibling decades later, especially if I’d just become a mum myself. The thought of having a young child at the same time as my DM really creeps me out.

Give her time. Your DD is pretty young herself. She is probably mourning the loss of the grandma relationship (in her eyes). Perhaps also tell her about your TTC journey together with the losses? It’s not like she is a child to be protected. She needs to know how much your baby was very much wanted.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Now stop feeling "guilty that she feels the way she does" and start feeling angry that she feels the way she does! She is being very selfish here. In her mind, you exist only to serve her, to be HER mum and HER daughter's grandmother - providing overnight babysitting and keeping her old room as a feckin' shrine to her. No! You exist for yourself.

She has moved on, started her own family, and she doesn't get to insist that you must now be wrapped up in tissue paper and kept in a drawer, only taken out when she wants something. And while I can appreciate that it may have come as a shock to her (especially if you hadn't told her you were trying to conceive), she needs to come to terms with the fact that her mother is a person in her own right, not just in relation to herself. She needs to grow up.

My family is great, thanks. Lots of people in this thread have posted that, actually, it's not all fun and games (and eight people thanked me...so guess there's quite a few who think I have a VERY good point).

You will actually (if you could read...) realise that I focussed on the fact that kids are cruel and parents are worse - OP needs to know that. Even if the daughter comes around it isn't all going to be smooth sailing.

But please, elaborate more on how my family are shit...

Absolutely go ahead and massive congratulations!! I would honestly tell her about the loses too, if she can’t be pleased for you it doesn’t reflect particularly well on her
I presume it’s more to do with her babysitters being too busy to drop everything when she needs than anything else tbh

She's probably worried that you will expect her to reciprocate the over night stays and be your occasional baby sitter!

Sounds like it's your family that's shit. Doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

I have an "uncle" who is 2 years younger than me. We grow up like siblings. My nan use to drop him to my mums and go to work. My mum used to look after all her siblings and us but the other ones were much older so not really interested in little kids. I've never called him uncle. Although, my kids do.

I think while it might be a bit strange for DD because of the age gap. However, she needs to realise that she doesn't get a say. It your life. You are only 40. You might even want more (I had mine at 40 and 42). The bedroom isn't her room. She has her own home with her own child and partner. It's your home and your space to use how you want.

Congratulations OP. Your DD may take a while to get used to it but get used to having a baby sibling she must. Once she sees you still treat her and dgd well she'll be fine. It was probably just a shock for her if she didn't know you were TTC.

I can understand why your DD is upset BUT, you had her so young and your DD needs to think rationally.

Give her time.

This. Not that my DD would behave like that because she's not a selfish madam. She needs to grow up.
I understand she's shocked but she's basically telling her mum to have an abortion so she doesn't feel displaced.

I can see why the original daughter is weirded out by it, too.
Nothing to do with ''support' either... or the grand~daughter, just far too massive an age gap to have a sibling relationship with.

I'm sure she knows, but it's not exactly something most people want to acknowledge, especially when it's broadcast to the world in the shape of a new baby that's younger than your own baby!

@Fairyliz are you serious? My parents are late 60s and early 70s and still had a sex life 8 years ago (that I know of)

It's not gross, or something yiu need to get your head around. Sex is a part of life. If the grown daughter thinks her 40 yo parents don't have a sex life, she is naive, ridiculous and not mature enough to have her own child.

She's being ridiculous, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm the same age as you, OP, and although my DD is younger, I remember her having a bit of a tantrum a few years ago when her dad made a joke about us giving her a baby brother or sister.

She was 13 at the time, so although somewhat understandable given her age and being an only child for so long, I was pretty shocked by her OTT reaction, and I felt like she was old enough to understand that she doesn't get to dictate if we have another child, which I explained to her.

Your daughter is old enough to know better - especially as a mother herself.

Congratulations to you and your DH 😊

She not being ridiculous or vile or a brat or any other of the quite horrible names she has been called. I doubt it's anything to do with rooms.
It's about the feeling of being replaced. It's about knowing that the conventional, mother ,daughter ,grandchild relationship is going to be very different. That special relationship many grandchildren have with their grandparents will not now happen because it just can't.
It's about seeing a new sibling quite possibly having a more stable and perhaps financially easy life.
You'd have to be super human not to be at least a little upset and anxious by the news that's been completely sprung on her.

I think your daughter will come around when she gets used to the idea or if not when the baby is here.

Because of the age gap I think an auntie/niece type relationship can develop between the sisters. I'm sure the two little ones will be very close and hopefully you and your daughter can exchange babysitting/sleepovers in time. It is lovely for her little one to have a young relative to grow up with.

Congratulations!

Give her time op; they say the brain is not fully mature until age 25, she needs to get use to the idea.
You are 40 so your parents might only be in their 60’s. Would you like visible proof that they are still shagging (which is likely) or is it all a bit yuck to think about?

It's a bit of a head~phuck to have such a massive age gap- No wonder the 23 yr old daughter is a bit startled. That's almost a quarter century difference in age.

A sister or brother that's younger than the grandchild is a bit odd.

My daughter would be getting short shrift from me along the lines of "get your head out of your arse and shut up".

Nothing to do with her.