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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:
redalex261 · 18/03/2024 20:45

Congratulations! Your daughter will get over it, probably a bit of a shock and the last thing she expected. If she carries on being sulky, ask her what her issue is, explain you’ve been trying for ages and had losses. As a parent herself she should be mature enough to see things from your perspective.

Motherofsnakes · 18/03/2024 20:45

If my Mum was 40 when I was 23 and I was an only child, I would have written off the idea of baby sitting help anyway as I would assume she would be busy working and spending week ends etc her own way. To be honest even in my friend group where parents are 50s/60s, only a couple have regular help because of this.

Congratulations. I'm sure it will all work out well.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/03/2024 20:44

Letsjustswoosh · 18/03/2024 19:45

It’s a very odd situation and I’m not surprised your DD has reacted this way. I’d also be gutted if my DM had my sibling decades later, especially if I’d just become a mum myself. The thought of having a young child at the same time as my DM really creeps me out.

@Letsjustswoosh

does it? Why?

crazyaginglady · 18/03/2024 20:34

She just needs to adjust. She is still a young adult and a new mum and the age gap is unusual. Your new baby will have a niece who is younger than her! To be honest, if my mum said she was pregnant soon after me having a baby when I had no idea she was planning that I’d be a bit thrown too but she’ll come round.

Congratulations to you and your husband, it sounds like a was rough getting here. Roll your eyes and let her get over it, I’m sure all will be well.

alpenguin · 18/03/2024 20:34

Congratulations OP.
There’s 23 years between myself and my youngest sibling and we are the closest out of all of us. I was also in a high school class with a girl whose aunt was two years below us and they were the best of friends. It needn’t be a bad thing, your daughter just needs to grow up and concentrate on her own family now.

AntonineWall · 18/03/2024 20:33

PersephonePomegranate23 · 18/03/2024 19:24

Tell her to fuck off. We're you disappointed or dusgusted when she had a baby at 21 or 22?

If you want to completely alienate your DD, take this sort of advice. Just don't be surprised when she does fuck off.

What a lot of individualist narcissists there are on mumsnet tonight. OP and her DD have been a family for all of the DDs life. This is a huge change. Hopefully OP will take the more considered responses on board and the two of them will adjust to the dramatically different dynamic of the new family.

NicholJO · 18/03/2024 20:32

Congratulations op I can understand your dd being shocked but she should be happy for you. I have 7 children age range from 27 to 4 years I only have the 2 youngest at home my 9 and 4 year old my elder children say they feel more like a auntie to my youngest due to the age gap I also have 6 grandchildren younger and older then my 2 youngest when they want a babysitter they still expect me to do it but more recently I have told them im a mother first then I'm granny if I have the energy at the end of the week I babysitt
Good luck

Marchingonagain · 18/03/2024 20:30

i don’t think your daughter is just upset at losing a free babysitter. She may be feeling childish and responding in an immature way but you love her and presumably want to understand where she’s coming from. She’s probably feeling a bit jealous and insecure. Definitely not unreasonable to have the new baby but also just give your DD lots of reassurance of how much you love her and your DGD and that won’t change

andforthatminuteablackbirdsang · 18/03/2024 20:30

Devonshiregal · 18/03/2024 16:27

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

  • Shes used to having you to herself.
  • She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
  • She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
  • she knows how much time and attention they take
  • she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
  • she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
  • depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
  • youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
  • youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
  • her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
  • she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
  • the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Edited

OP - of all the responses to your post, Devonshire's is the one I'd listen to. Take this time to show your daughter what she means to you, and what your grandchild means to you. Invest in these relationships as much as you can over the next few months - while you still can. Tell her the truth about all the years of TTC. Admit that your younger child will have a much more comfortable childhood than she did. Acknowledge that your relationship with her will change, but hope that it will get closer, rather than more distant.

I come from a family with many big gaps - 16, 18 years, not quite 23, but still. It takes a matriarch to hold that sort of thing together. Be that matriarch - show the way forward.

knittingball · 18/03/2024 20:29

Lookingatthesunset · 18/03/2024 20:23

I had a baby at 40, my 3rd. It was perfectly fine. I also worked full-time.

Show quote history

Good for you.
My sister had a baby at 40 im not against it i just wouldent want to do it.
And we both work full time.

GlassAnimal · 18/03/2024 20:28

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 14:55

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.

Edited

Jesus Christ if people were calling my daughter a "fucking brat", selfish, immature, pathetic etc I'm not sure I'd be thanking them for their kind words 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nottodaty · 18/03/2024 20:25

I am 25 years older than my half sibling - they are a year younger than my daughter.

I love them as a sibling and it lovely to see the close relationship they have with my child. They are now both adults and still close.

They still babysat as I did for my sibling.

It was a shock for me at first , and I did selfishly for a moment thought it meant my child would loose a Grandparent. That never happened and my parent was able to still manage to be a loving Grandparent whilst having another child themselves,

Give her time , hopefully she will be excited for you in time.

DirectionToPerfection · 18/03/2024 20:24

Incredible lack of empathy from so many posters here towards the DD, and quite aggressive and nasty comments too.

As if the sanctimonious crew would have been happy in this situation at 23 years old. I just don't buy it.

Lookingatthesunset · 18/03/2024 20:23

knittingball · 18/03/2024 20:08

Congratulations.
Its not up to your daughter what you do.
But i dont think id have the time or energy at 40 for a baby.
Just reading another thread about wanting a baby at 44 i mean sounds all good and fun but thinking long term nope.
You have all the freedom now to go do what with no responsibility.

I had a baby at 40, my 3rd. It was perfectly fine. I also worked full-time.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 20:21

fratellia · 18/03/2024 20:11

Yes. I used to watch all the Tv programmes they did… she was still having babies when some of her grandchildren had long started primary school 😳

Not sure what the gap is between the oldest and youngest radford child. Must be around 30ish years? Even more impressive that is for full siblings too.

Show quote history

I wouldn't say it was impressive, she was 14 when she had her first baby!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/03/2024 20:19

Not sure what the gap is between the oldest and youngest radford child. Must be around 30ish years? Even more impressive that is for full siblings too.

I'm not sure impressive is the word. She was 14 when she had her first child. Her now husband was 18.

cheshiregal31 · 18/03/2024 20:19

Congratulations. Tell her to grow up.
You only get one shot at this life so do what you want to do.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/03/2024 20:16

fairymary87 · 18/03/2024 20:05

She's jealous

She probably is, which is a perfectly normal reaction, imo.

fratellia · 18/03/2024 20:11

springisspringingup · 18/03/2024 18:41

Wasn't that Sue Radford pregnant at the same time as one of her daughters?
The age gap between her oldest and youngest children must be huge.

Yes. I used to watch all the Tv programmes they did… she was still having babies when some of her grandchildren had long started primary school 😳

Not sure what the gap is between the oldest and youngest radford child. Must be around 30ish years? Even more impressive that is for full siblings too.

diddl · 18/03/2024 20:09

fairymary87 · 18/03/2024 20:05

She's jealous

Of what?

DrewHormordr · 18/03/2024 20:08

I think you should be congratulated on your stamina. A baby at 40 and all that goes with it. Your daughter will be fine I’m sure. It’s just a shock to her system. Good luck with everything 👍

knittingball · 18/03/2024 20:08

Congratulations.
Its not up to your daughter what you do.
But i dont think id have the time or energy at 40 for a baby.
Just reading another thread about wanting a baby at 44 i mean sounds all good and fun but thinking long term nope.
You have all the freedom now to go do what with no responsibility.

Mnetcurious · 18/03/2024 20:05

tillytown · 18/03/2024 18:45

Your daughter is probably concerned she'll end up parenting your new baby, which is a very valid feeling considering the age gap - not your age, theirs, there is no way they will have any kind of sibling relationship when one is so much younger than the other. Also, why did you thank people for the kind words whilst completely ignoring the people who have name called and insulted your child? Very weird.

Why would her daughter be concerned that she’d end up parenting the baby? Op is perfectly capable and they live in different houses.

fairymary87 · 18/03/2024 20:05

She's jealous

madamovaries · 18/03/2024 20:03

First of all CONGRATULATIONS! So wonderful to be pregnant and I'm sorry that it has been a hard road for you to here.

I do think this is quite a lot for your daughter to get her head around, though. My guess is that she'll come round and regret how she's acted. What I think I would do is sit her down and explain how wanted this baby is, that you will still be an adoring grandma (it might actually be nice having your child and grandchild playing together). I think I will tell her about your miscarriages if you can bear to.

Don't let her spoil what should be a time of celebration for you. This will be a much wanted and much loved baby and that's what matters most x