To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Of course you're right to have your own baby.

However, if you want to maintain a good relationship with her then talk it through. Don't downplay any of her feelings but make it clear the baby is happening and its what you want.

OP, you're making a new little nuclear family that she can't be a child in, she's not been in any way prepared for this, and it means there will literally be no room for her or her child in your house once the baby's arrived.

Try to listen to the fears and sadness underneath what she's saying and respond to them, rather than rising to the surface bait.

Don't accuse her of asking you to kill your baby

And literally the very next poster makes my point for me...

We have huge age gaps with our youngest sister. Spoilt rotten by all of us.

It absolutely did change the dynamics in the family though and i understand her being concerned about that. Its not selfish to worry. I'd also be very clear about any future expectations regarding her and the sibling should anything happen etc.

I can understand why it feels confusing for her if you have a baby that is younger than her baby. However that's no excuse to be rude, nasty and selfish.

With this in mind, I might meet fire with fire and say: to be clear, are you asking me to kill my baby? And see if she realises what a monstrous attitude she has been displaying.

I think the title of this thread is a bit misleading and could be what some of these angry posters are reacting to? So many people barely read the actual posts on here.

The title gives the impression that the DD is actively encouraging OP not to have the baby, but that doesn't seem to be the case. She's just shocked and upset which is completely natural.

One PP said the DD was effectively asking OP to have an abortion, but that's not the case.

I can't think why else people are so vitriolic, other than having limited emotional intelligence.

I agree.

Anyone old enough to raise a kid should also be mature enough to know when to bite their tongues. This is one of those situations when the right thing to do is utter some sort of congratulations, then go away to process your feelings.

You don't blurt out a bunch of 'me me me' stuff in response to news like this unless you are in fact a bit selfish and entitled - even if there are valid feelings underpinning that.

Your daughter is being ridiculous. She needs to act her age. Your pregnancy is none of her business. Tell her to get over herself and enjoy your new baby.
Congratulations xx

I mean that’s one way to lose your daughter 😂

not many women who’ve had children at 17-23 want more at 40. That’s your whole life just parenting children and teenagers kinda sad personally
but the heart wants what it wants I guess.

Firstly huge congratulations!
and these days 40 isn’t that old for a lot of peoples first baby/quite normal. Very sorry you’ve had this reaction and hopefully she’ll come around when she’s worked out she’s just pissed as she thinks she’ll lose childcare and your new child will have a different upbringing to her.

I would give your DD a bollocking for being so utterly spiteful, self-entitled, self absorbed, a snow flake, and for being so bloody horrid! Honestly, I would have no tolerance for this. You need to nip her behaviour in the bid and teach her to not be so ageist because she might want a baby at 40 and how would she feel if you said the same thing to her!?

In fact, I would say to her, "Oh! I was telling you you're going to be a sister. I wasn't asking for your unwanted, unnecessary, uneducated, and spiteful opinion."

I am fuming for you, OP.

Yeah I get that...I am quite literal sometimes so was thinking of the bedroom comment but there is like you say a deeper relationship/dynamic worry there. Although I do know people who fall out with people over fairly trivial things in real life so you just never know 😂

Her attitude is vile. She’s possibly jealous or just upset about losing free babysitting but it’s such an immature reaction and I totally understand why you’re upset. Ignore her and enjoy every moment of your much-wanted pregnancy 🌺

It seems far more likely that the dd feels she is being written out of the family. She feels insecure about where this new baby will leave her and her daughter. She may be an adult but that doesn't mean that she stops wanting to feel like she has a place in the family. We don't know the history there, the OP has been really brief with her fee replies. Maybe this has dredged up old feelings she has of not belonging, not being loved, being replacable, feeling about how her grandparents treated her etc

Indeed. I have a feeling though the bedroom
thing was the kindest thing the daughter could say rather than telling her pregnant mother she feels their entire relationship and that with her granddaughter will now never be the same.

bedroom actually seems kinder.

I think people are being harsh on the daughter.

If I was her age and found out my mum was pregnant, I'd feel sad, I'd feel as if I was watching my childhood slip away while she replaces that experience with another, I'd greive the relationship that I had, or wanted to have with my mother as an adult, her life is all going to be baby focused. I'd selfishly feel like my moment to be the mother and to have the baby in the family was over shadowed. Whether these feelings are right or wrong is irrelevant, give her time to make sense of it rather than expecting her to jump for joy over news which has quite clearly thrown her.

I think what I and a few others mean is because of what the OP has mentioned about the daughter being upset about the bedroom being used for the baby rather than her own child. Does seem something there's an issue with.

Your daughter does sound like she's being a bit of a princess, and I'm sure she'll get over the shock after a while, but just from another point of view, my mum and dad divorced when I was 15. Then ten years later my dad met someone that was my age, and they proceeded to have two children at the exact same time that I had my two children. I will say that my dad is not a grandad to my children AT ALL... he has two kids the same age, so why would he be, where is the novelty? It is a shame for my children, but it is what it is. I'm not saying you will be like this, but maybe it's what your daughter is afraid of.

I'm really surprised at how many people think it's selfish of a 23 year old with her own child to be upset about this. It doesn't mean OP's not entitled to have another child. But of course it's massively disorienting for an adult child to find out that she's going to have a sibling who will be younger than her own child. It's not remotely realistic to expect anything else. This needs to be handled by OP with sensitivity and a willingness to listen, not by issuing some mad ultimatum along the lines of "pretend you're ecstatic or bugger off"

Give her time, I think she will come round.

I think that once she gets over the shock, knowing her child will grow up along side another, is rather lovely.

My father had an uncle that was younger than him. My dad loved it as, strangely for those times, my father was an only child, and his uncle was like a brother. Due to lack of contraception, it wasn’t all that unusual then, families regularly had children that would span 25+ years, with the older ones having children before their parents had stopped reproducing.

Your body, your choice.

Sorry she's making you feel guilty.

If you want her to come around and be happy about it then the last thing you should do is tell her she's being ridiculous and the first thing you should do is try to figure out where these feelings are coming from. Doesn't matter how unreasonable someone is being, if you want to fix a conflict you have to try to understand them. Feelings have nothing to do with reason anyway! If only we could reason our way out of feelings, but we can't.

Ask her why she's feeling the way she's feeling, tell her how you're feeling and why, listen to each other properly and I'm sure you'll end up in a much better place, eventually with her happy and even excited for you.

I really don't think the DD's issue is around babysitting 🙄

Exactly!!

Wow. That's quite some entitlement on DD!

I'm sure you know she's being a dick, OP.

Rather than feeling guilty (I mean, wtf? WHY would you feel bad about this?!) try asking yourself why your DD is so put out by it.

Then remind her the World does not revolve around her ass.