To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

Are you really saying that your daughter is making you feel guilty for having a baby? She sounds like the most unfeeling self-centred bit.... Even making you feel bad about who sleeps where when. It's time she found out how difficult it has been for you to get this baby. She even doesn't care about hurting your feelings when you are in the fragile state of early pregnancy. Maybe remind her that stress goes right through to the baby and that's true!

Agree. Mum having sex!! Eeuww! You are a grandmother😂😂😂

She will feel as put out as if she was 5 and you introduced a new baby into the mix, she has had you all to herself sharing you only with her own DC.

Please do make sure you include her as much as you can, talk to her about baby names perhaps? Take her shopping and get her advice on baby clothes? Things have changed since she was born, so let her know that her modern expertise will be much valued.

Oh OP, firstly congratulations and secondly I hope this next baby to any grow up to be as entitled and selfish as your first.

of course you need to go ahead with the pregnancy. DH and you desperately want this baby.

there will be so many bonuses to the kids being similar ages. Endless play dates, they will have so much fun over the years and be like cousins.

Truthfully at that age I would have been very upset too. But I would have been wrong, it really wouldn't have been up to me. I'm sure she will love the baby when it's here and it'll be more fun when for her child when they stay over. Just reassure her you will still love her DC as much, I can see she might be worried she'll loose you.

She doesn’t live there? She’s talking about her daughter’s daughter (her granddaughter) occasionally sleeping in the room that used to be her daughter’s (child’s mother) when she lived there

Shes probably mortified at the thought of her mum is having sex, let alone a baby. Just ignore the behaviour, as soon as the baby is here she will be so happy. I understand its not the behaviors you want or would expect from a grown woman. Do we not alregress around our mums to that teenage stage. Congratulations and I'm sure you will spend many happy days with your new baby, grandchildren and your daughter.

Is this how you relate to your adult child?

I am shocked at how many people treat their young adults kids and how lacking in empathy they are. These things can be resolved by open communication over time where all feeling are discussed and validated, those of the parent and the child.

Telling the 23y daughter she is a ‘selfish little brat’ shows an extraordinary lack of emotional intelligence.

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

No. But I would expect the OP to show some kindness and understanding to her 23y daughter and cut her some slack. It’s a massive bombshell to throw on her and she needs to be allowed to take the time to get used to it. I would have felt very confused.

My kids are 20 and 22 and if I had this kind of news (thank goodness I won’t) I would expect a gamut of complex reactions and would work through those with them. I am very close to my kids but this would be a hell of a shock for them.

Agree. I feel sorry for the kids of some of these posters. Who have so little empathy and kindness for young adults. Relationships are complex and your daughter being 23 doesn’t suddenly make her a calm robot who is unaffected by this news. What kind of parents are these who are so unable to show understanding and kindness to their adult child and see things from their point of view.

This daughter’s family life is about to change massively. And actually the older the existing child in this kind of scenario, the stranger and ‘bigger’ this news will be.

People who can't read between the lines are tiresome. Your family structure changing and a new sibling coming is a huge life event at 23. It's quite unexpected and op did not tell her DD she planned another child.

Saying her life has 'turned upside down' [from her perspective] is not the same as 'her life is ruined, how dare you op'.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

people claiming the daughters “whole life” is turned upside down are exaggerating yes

Congratulations x

I think she knows she won’t get as much help and may even be asked to help with her sibling. It’s possible she likes help she gets, but didn’t factor in ever having to help.

Having a baby when you’re a little older can be more exhausting, please don’t let her guilt you into looking after your Grandchild if you’re not up for it. I’m 39 with a 2.5 year old and exhausted 😂

Hopefully she will feel differently once the news sinks in and you’ll all be able to get along and the kids will grow up as best friends. I can understand it feeling a little weird her child being a Niece and their Auntie/Uncle being younger than them but it’s not rare, it happens and it’s not a big deal.

Then you too need to grow out of your egoism. You're basically saying that nobody should have more than one child because siblings steal from the One and Only (who's somehow automatically entitled to everything his/her siblings aren't).

The fact that this daughter was the only child for 23 years doesn't in any shape of form guarantee her the mum's neverending unshared attention. To expect such is a hallmark of narcissism actually.

Congratulations OP.
DD’s going to have to get over herself. She’s too old at 23 to be behaving like such a brat.

My niece, aged 23 has an aunt aged 11. The 11 year old is aunt also to an 8 year old and great-aunt to a 6 year old. It happens.
My father's sister used to look after my mother's sister 22 years her junior. It happened a lot during and between the wars.
Your grandchild will love having a playmate, as long as you include him in the new arrival - perhaps a gift from the new baby, as if they were siblings?

What are you on about ? I have 3 children and none was a replacement to the oldest

Congratulations! I'm sure it will all sort out eventually.

I imagine there are two things going on:

1. She may feel her daughter won't be as special to you, when you have your own baby there. She may fear that there may not be that special grandparent + grandbaby relationship because of this.
2. She may feel odd at the thought of having a new sibling in her 20s.

Nonsense!

Exactly this, the alternative is self entitled clap trap. I wouldn’t have wanted my parents to have felt eternally restricted by me nor myself as soon as I had children!! If they had wanted to go and live in Australia or whatever of course would be sad for them to move but personally value their’s and eventually my own freedom as a mother!

what a silly response. By that logic anybody who has a subsequent child is “replacing” the one before.
Women’s lives are not over the moment they squeeze a baby out of their vagina. OP still has a life and she’s still relatively young. She’s done her time and her child is an adult. Her life is her own. If she wants to have a baby then that’s what she will do and it’s nobody else’s business but hers.

@Bearbooandmiska where is the logic? She's not a kid, she's a grown adult with a family of her own. Do you think no one should have a second child following a divorce/break up either? No one gives this advice when people split up and remarry or have a baby with new partner and at that point in a child's life they really will feel like they've got a replacement as they'll usually not live with both parents full time anymore and the new baby will. We're talking about an adult here, that has grown up and does not live at home with her mother-she visits and then goes on with her life as she should, I don't expect my mother to sit around and wait for me to need her and not live a life of her own, do you?

Oh op, I’m so sorry your DD has had this reaction. She will come round & your baby is likely to have a brilliant relationship with your DGC. Of course you should be going ahead with this, it sounds like something you & your DH have been trying for for a very long time.

does she think this was a happy accident? Id consider telling her that you’ve been on a long & painful journey to get to where you are & that you would have loved to have had a second child years ago but it has only finally now worked out. It might change her perspective.

congratulations 🥰

If I was your daughter I'd feel the same. Your basically replacing her, and rather then doing what naturally comes next which is the grandkids you've chosen to start all over again. She probably feels like her and your granddaughter are not enough for you. You've also kept lots of secrets along the way. The kid you already have should have come first.

My grandad remarried and had more children so I have an uncle that’s 1 year younger than me. We felt like more like cousins growing up. The new baby and your granddaughter will most likely have a similar type of relationship being so close in age and I’m sure they will love having sleepovers.

I think your daughter is probably just in shock and will get over it in time. 40 is not that old and plenty of people have their first baby late 30’s and early 40’s. I’d say give it time and she will come round.