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Original poster

Anyone else feels almost permanently lonely?

38 replies

rainymood · 17/03/2024 11:19

I feel so incredibly lonely, most of the time. I guess I'm wondering if it's just me or if it's a very normal feeling and people simply don't talk about it. Obviously, social media and our perception of how everyone else's lives are don't help...

For context, I'm a stay at home mum and I'm not from the UK although I've lived here for years. So I don't have the same network of school, uni, childhood friends a lot of people seem to have. I also don't have my family here and, in any case, my family, although very educated, is very messed up and emotionally draining. Both my parents come from emotionally abusive homes so I know they are damaged themselves and perhaps don't know how to be supportive because they've never been supported by their parents. The result is - I speak to them every couple of weeks or so but we are not "close". I don't get any support from them and our lives are so dramatically different that they just don't understand it.

I have an OK relationship. My husband is a very good man although not the most emotionally supportive or open. He loves me by doing things and by being strong, reliable and loyal rather than by saying things or talking about things. I know it's something to be appreciated in many ways but it sometimes makes me feel very alone at home.

There was a time when kids were very young when I built connections with other mums and I thought we could become long-term friends. However, London is so transient and some moved away, lots went back to work (not all though) and these friendships seem to have evaporated. When I bump into them it's all lovely and we have a quick chat in the street but the deeper connection is now gone. The same is true for some of the "friends" I made through dog walking and other activities. It all feels so transient and superficial.

The thing is - I seem to be generally very liked, I know people find it easy to talk to me and a lot of people comment on how they feel they can tell me things without being judged. I'm very educated and I had a very good and interesting career before becoming a mum. It was a very demanding career though, with lots of pressure and long hours, so now, with two kids, a dog and my husband also having a big demanding job, going back to work would be possible but hard for me and would make our family life very stressful. I don't miss work although I miss the social aspect of it.

When I get upset or depressed because of it, my husband keeps explaining to me that people's lives are simply very busy with kids, work, families and old friends they've had since school / uni. So, although people like me, noone is really looking for "new friends" at this stage of our life, as they just can't invest and fit new friends in and simply don't need them.

Is he right? Is this true? Why, despite being liked, I seem to struggle to form deeper connections and lasting friendships? I seem to get to a certain point and then hit the brick wall. Is it really to do with "the stage in our lives" or with being foreign and relatively uprooted in London?

Recently, this feeling of loneliness and isolation is killing me.

Does anyone else feel this way? Obviously, my brain often chooses to get fixated on random FB posts, conversations about people "going away with friends", seemingly socialising all the time etc...

OP posts:
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CCBrigsy · 05/04/2025 12:29

Does anyone on here live in Edinburgh Scotland UK ???

FurFangsPawsAndClaws · 05/04/2025 05:05

CCBrigsy · 05/04/2025 02:01

It would be helpful if our location was shared along with our names, so people could have the option of meeting up with each other if possible?.

I was just thinking exactly the same, I wonder if we could start a thread or group for people who are struggling and feeling lonely and isolated? I’ve tried to find similar in my area but there is nothing.

The uk isn’t that big, it might even be possible to arrange a get together in one location, it could be a reason for people to have a little trip and an adventure.

Sususudio · 05/04/2025 04:58

I think life is lonely and none of us get as much support as we deserve. This isnt to say we shouldn't make an effort to find connection.

But essentially we are all alone.

SandbagSally · 05/04/2025 02:17

I think to some degree we all are lonely and want the agony aunt in our lives to talk to.

CCBrigsy · 05/04/2025 02:01

It would be helpful if our location was shared along with our names, so people could have the option of meeting up with each other if possible?.

Cheshiresun · 18/03/2024 01:00

It is normal to feel like you do.

I don't have a partner. I'm a stay at home parent. I didn't keep in touch with school friends as I moved away. At work everyone was a good 20-30 years older than me and at a different stage of life, although I still keep in touch with some of them.

I moved to a different area recently, marketed as for young and growing families, thinking it would be a fresh start. Instead everyone here is retired or empty nesters. Nothing wrong with that but nothing in common with me! I do have older friends, but would like some more around my stage of life!

I find when you feel this way, it's usually you reaching out to people and arranging things. If you leave it, no one else seems to arrange anything.

Malarandras · 17/03/2024 23:14

I’m a widow with two kids and I’m incredibly introverted so find socialising exhausting and demoralising. I’m incredibly lonely and also not at the same. I exist in a permanent state of confusion really.

SkaneTos · 17/03/2024 23:10

I also agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum .

SkaneTos · 17/03/2024 23:09

"I seem to struggle to form deeper connections and lasting friendships"

You met your husband and you formed a deep connection with him, and a relationship that will last your whole life. So you are certainly capable of forming lasting relationships with people!

My best advice for making friends is to join a club/society/organization/group that you are really interested in, and then really stick with it. It may take several years, but if you really have a common interest with people, you will have a connection with them. Get really involved and have fun!

You seem like a lovely person, OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2024 22:52

rainymood · 17/03/2024 12:25

@swiftieNI snap! We seem to be living parallel lives! Both my kids have additional needs. This is one of the reasons I decided not to go back to work. Plus it was all too exhausting at some point to even consider it. Being at home with kids like this makes an enormous difference. They are both very high functioning now and doing really well at school but, as you will know yourself best, it's taken years of effort and dedication... With both about to be in senior schools now, I feel less worried about them now but yes, I feel left behind now they are older and settled... My husband keeps telling me that they are where they are because of me and the sacrifices I've made but sometimes it all still feels shit.

And I'm your age... Late 40s :-) have been on HRT for a year - it helps a bit with anxiety I think bit not much...

I think any local parents support group for Send kids might be a good place to start, if you can't find one perhaps start one?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2024 22:51

Are you vulnerable and open with people op or just listen to them? That's how closer connections are formed

Original poster
rainymood · 17/03/2024 15:49

@PassingStranger I will definitely check it out!
@Chiaseedling yes, I'm planning to look into it once the little one goes to the big school next September

OP posts:
Chiaseedling · 17/03/2024 15:43

I grew up and live in London too so I do have some of the ‘old’ friends you speak of, but I don’t have extended family, DCs are at uni and my DH sounds similar to yours (due to upbringing).
i wotk part time so that helps. Would you consider a p/t job for the social aspect at least? That def helps with feelings of loneliness.
Also I’m always up for making new friends even in my 50s, if I meet someone I click with I’m def interested in a friendship with them esp as a lot of ‘mum
friends’ fell by the wayside when the kids grew up etc. I’ve joined a couple of new groups recently - looking towards setting up for retired life in 10 or so years when I’ll def need to fill time.

PassingStranger · 17/03/2024 15:37

rainymood · 17/03/2024 11:19

I feel so incredibly lonely, most of the time. I guess I'm wondering if it's just me or if it's a very normal feeling and people simply don't talk about it. Obviously, social media and our perception of how everyone else's lives are don't help...

For context, I'm a stay at home mum and I'm not from the UK although I've lived here for years. So I don't have the same network of school, uni, childhood friends a lot of people seem to have. I also don't have my family here and, in any case, my family, although very educated, is very messed up and emotionally draining. Both my parents come from emotionally abusive homes so I know they are damaged themselves and perhaps don't know how to be supportive because they've never been supported by their parents. The result is - I speak to them every couple of weeks or so but we are not "close". I don't get any support from them and our lives are so dramatically different that they just don't understand it.

I have an OK relationship. My husband is a very good man although not the most emotionally supportive or open. He loves me by doing things and by being strong, reliable and loyal rather than by saying things or talking about things. I know it's something to be appreciated in many ways but it sometimes makes me feel very alone at home.

There was a time when kids were very young when I built connections with other mums and I thought we could become long-term friends. However, London is so transient and some moved away, lots went back to work (not all though) and these friendships seem to have evaporated. When I bump into them it's all lovely and we have a quick chat in the street but the deeper connection is now gone. The same is true for some of the "friends" I made through dog walking and other activities. It all feels so transient and superficial.

The thing is - I seem to be generally very liked, I know people find it easy to talk to me and a lot of people comment on how they feel they can tell me things without being judged. I'm very educated and I had a very good and interesting career before becoming a mum. It was a very demanding career though, with lots of pressure and long hours, so now, with two kids, a dog and my husband also having a big demanding job, going back to work would be possible but hard for me and would make our family life very stressful. I don't miss work although I miss the social aspect of it.

When I get upset or depressed because of it, my husband keeps explaining to me that people's lives are simply very busy with kids, work, families and old friends they've had since school / uni. So, although people like me, noone is really looking for "new friends" at this stage of our life, as they just can't invest and fit new friends in and simply don't need them.

Is he right? Is this true? Why, despite being liked, I seem to struggle to form deeper connections and lasting friendships? I seem to get to a certain point and then hit the brick wall. Is it really to do with "the stage in our lives" or with being foreign and relatively uprooted in London?

Recently, this feeling of loneliness and isolation is killing me.

Does anyone else feel this way? Obviously, my brain often chooses to get fixated on random FB posts, conversations about people "going away with friends", seemingly socialising all the time etc...

Just because you see some people on Facebook going away with friends dosent mean everyone does this.
Also be careful what you wish for as friends can be hard work. Have you not noticed any of the I've fallen out with my friends posts on here.

Original poster
rainymood · 17/03/2024 15:32

@HebburnPokemon yes they are together but they hate each other. They've always hated each other - this is how I grew up... I asked my mum in the past why she hadn't left, she was so unhappy and unsupported for years (my dad is a very damaged person and has been a horrible father and partner to her, always in a passive aggressive way). She said it was partly a financial impossibility and party she didn't want to break the family and wanted us to have a normal home. It was everything but normal. I told her she didn't have to worry about the latter. I really think growing up with parents hating each other as much as mine did, seeing my father's coldness and selfishness and hearing the arguments and her constantly always screaming or crying... I really think growing up with a single mum would have been better. She meant well and I understand where her bitterness, anger and hatred come from, also knowing what I know about her childhood. So I understand but she is truly awful to be around, aggressive, incredibly paranoid, bigoted. She was always teaching me that all people are awful, selfish and nasty. Luckily, I'm not like this. I left home quite early and actually moved countries. I think it was a subconscious need to get away from home and save myself

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 17/03/2024 15:07

I think the loneliness is sometimes linked to losing ourselves. We suddenly don’t belong anywhere, we lost our tribe.
Perimenopause also happens to coincide with giving our last fuck, suddenly our caring role/nature/expectations …. all gone. Very liberating, but it leaves a hole.
Time to reevaluate things.
Every 6 months I take stock.
6 areas: work/career, friendship/family, health, personal development, house/home and love/romance.
I limit myself to 3 things I’m unhappy with/can do better/need to do/must change.

It’s not a to do list, it’s just keeping track and being mindful of things.

Perhaps, if you take stock like that it will bring to the forefront issues that are basically underlying and contributing to how you feel.

HebburnPokemon · 17/03/2024 14:30

rainymood · 17/03/2024 13:06

@HebburnPokemon I do wonder if there is a link... Both my parents are also socially isolated and my mum has become bitter and quite nasty. She doesn't speak to anyone, including her sisters... It's making me so sad. I tried to call her a couple of weeks ago as felt lonely and upset and the phone call just reminded me why it really is best to call as little as possible, for my mental health...

Wow, this hit home. Are you parents still together?

When I visit my mum I always leave feeling melancholy, sad, hopeless. Her vibe really brings me down. There is a strong undercurrent of bitterness, spite and resentment coming from her. Also, she's a paranoid person - always looking for the worst in people. It's very draining. Sounds like you can relate?

Isthisit2 · 17/03/2024 14:11

I understand op . Actually to a pp@Airworld I’ve been a sahm but worked freelance and had way more time to meet parents etc , now my kids are older I’m back working in my career and honestly although I speak to people at work it hasn’t opened up things for me socially. It’s all work related which is normal and my job is v v full on and target based too.
Like I said when my dcs were smaller I had a good few friends with small kids and we’d meet a lot . I’m back working now and I’m just so busy with that and 3 dcs, also the workload has massively increased now my dcs are older. Noone arranges stuff anymore, particularly after Covid. I totally echo another pp who talked about inviting people for drinks and food , we have and nothing back but people still come which is good. …
OP I have lots of family but I’ve no emotional or or practical support at all and never have . Not one member of my family have taken my dcs out or looked after them for even 5 seconds. I’m quite isolated in a way although it doesn’t seem like it from the outside….
Such is life. I am in a job which is all about supporting others, it’s an outreach role. I’ve now moved up in my job which is great but v v busy. I always think it’s ironic that I’m constantly signposting people to support or helping them access support when I’ve absolutely none myself…. Juggling childcare and my job is insane tbh and my dh is 100 percent hands on. I don’t have emotionally supportive parents and never have so I’ve had to navigate being on my own from teenage years onward and there was lots of issues and challenges but I had to deal with them on my own . My parents are elderly now and it’s all v nice and superficial, I visit when I can but due to work and lack of any childcare (almost non existent where we live ) it can be difficult.
I find it impossible to reach out or ask for help and although I get on well with people I’ve become more insular due to working all the time. People don’t ask me to do stuff etc and I guess I now don’t make the effort either , im in a country where everything is v family oriented and tbh i feel like an outlier as my family is Kindof odd that way .
I dont have any answers op but you aren’t alone .

existentialpain · 17/03/2024 13:31

I feel very lonely too. In my case finding pen pals from all over the world has helped me form friendships and feel connected. Penpal world is a really good site. Not sure if it's helpful, but just a suggestion.

Starzinsky · 17/03/2024 13:26

I work remotely from home but working full-time and busy at weekends with house stuff I just don't ever have time to feel bored and need to develop friendship. I think if I had more time on my hands I would crave more social stimulation.

Original poster
rainymood · 17/03/2024 13:06

@HebburnPokemon I do wonder if there is a link... Both my parents are also socially isolated and my mum has become bitter and quite nasty. She doesn't speak to anyone, including her sisters... It's making me so sad. I tried to call her a couple of weeks ago as felt lonely and upset and the phone call just reminded me why it really is best to call as little as possible, for my mental health...

OP posts:
Original poster
rainymood · 17/03/2024 13:03

@Airworld sending you a big hug. I was a member of a book club but it has disintegrated. I think lockdown was also to blame here. I joined NCT when pregnant with my older child but the group has also totally disintegrated! A couple were foreign and went back to Australia and somewhere else, can't remember now. The rest have decided to move out of London, to the countryside or where their families were to help with childcare and to be able to buy a bigger house. Unlucky perhaps... I know people who still have a strong original NCT group and socialise with them all the time! I'm part of an exercise group - they are all lovely but, as you say, I have many lovely conversations with nice people but none of it goes further. The same with people I meet dog walking - I felt some really had potential, invited them round for wine and cheese around Christmas. Never got an invite back... I think I'm just so tired trying to invest and build something and getting nothing or little back. PTAs tend to be nasty and clicky! I'm not surprised you felt disappointed. I've never joined one as I know a few people who have had their fingers burnt. I was also part of a local SEN group but it's also fallen apart with kids getting bigger and going to senior schools. It's just so so tiring and demotivating. I guess I have to keep trying... My husband keeps saying that things will probably get easier when everyone's kids get bigger. So, basically, when everyone becomes an almost empty nester. More time for people, less preoccupied with making friends for work connections or for children's sake but more looking for people one genuinely connects with...

OP posts:
Mary46 · 17/03/2024 12:59

Yes I found the PTA cliquey too. Def hard when we older. Sisters are different stages with kids too. Found friendships dipped after covid. I met a mum Friday knew her through kids sports. Nice get out or I see nobody

HebburnPokemon · 17/03/2024 12:52

Have you tried Bumble? There's a "friendship" setting.

Having come from a family with inter-generational mental health issues/trauma, I also struggle with making lasting friendships and loneliness. I wonder if there's a link?

Airworld · 17/03/2024 12:45

You sound like in a very similar situation to me - foreign born (although I have relatives here but not anywhere nearby), SAHM, DH works long hours, few friends since DC and more like acquaintances etc. I have found that socially, becoming a SAHM has been a death knell in my friendships. Friends prior to DC have all returned to work and most look down their nose at me or are not interested anymore.

I’ve found that the pandemic affected some friendships that have never really recovered, and I felt so lonely seeing so many Facebook post screenshots of friends doing Zoom quiz’s and meet ups etc during the lockdowns. More recently my DM became terminally ill (NC but it’s thrown up lots of emotions re abuse from her) and I told two friends who’ve never asked again how I am feeling. Also had a milestone birthday and not a single friend remembered. It’s lonely.

I would love to return to work as I feel like that where the answer lies to not feeling so isolated, but primary school childcare in our town is dire and part-time jobs for 9-3pm non-existent. Instead, I volunteer 15 hours a week in a charity office and have met lots of lovely people, both staff and volunteers. The other volunteers have all taken early retirement and their lives are in a different place to mine so no friendships have emerged sadly, but at least I get that regular people contact and it’s lovely whilst I’m there.

I’m a member of a book club that runs during school hours, and go to the gym, but again I have good conversations with nice people but make no friends. I was on the PTA for a year but it had a massive clique going on and I wasn’t welcome. Clearly I’m the common denominator here and one of society’s rejects, even though I think I’m a nice, decent person! All I can suggest is get involved in as many things as possible and you may meet your tribe.