To tell DH he’s not having a lie in tomorrow!

Side issue: I've read so many threads on here with exhausted women saying their DH can't 'help' with (insert basic task) because 'he has ADHD'. The woman is then given an avalanche of advice about how to support her DH, techniques to try, how to make things easier for him, urged to understand how debilitating ADHD can be... basically a woman breaking from the mental load is advised to shoulder an additional mental load of managing their DH's condition because ADHD makes things so difficult for DH.

However - time and time again a woman with ADHD is on here- doing IT ALL despite her ADHD. Carrying the mental load, running the house, meeting everyone's needs at great personal cost.

Men seem to be able to opt out, women seem to go until they burn out.

Back to OP, you're being financially abused. Why does he have enough money for a whole day of drinking (what does that cost?) and you can't do anything nice for yourself? It sounds like he was recently unemployed as well?

If you both work full time, why are you doing the majority of the chores?

The sleep in tomorrow is just one tiny aspect of the very fucked up and unfair world you live in.

If there is the money in your account- I would book an inn (or stay with a friend) for a couple of nights. See it as an investment in your mental health and the family's wellbeing.

Your children deserve a mum who is rested, well and supported.

Reading your OP I wonder if your life would be nicer without your DH.

I didn't need to read all that to say, your husband sounds selfish and not someone I'd want to raise kids with. Why is he even out drinking all day? Wtaf

He won’t be any use to you at 6.30am, you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Give him his lie in till mid morning, then give him the kids for the rest of the day and do something for yourself then.

Because he isnt going to do that.

Any of his clothes left lying around, kick them under the stairs/under the bed/in the garage/out in the garden.

Hope you can get a catch up on some sleep when your Dh takes over childcare - if he doesn’t get enough sleep that’s his problem.

I hope your one year old is feeling better. If needed take your one year old to get checked at GP

I would throw away the breakfast food your husband is giving your one year old daughter and try basic simple meals - ans completely additives & preservative free as possible.
The writhing and irritability and tantrums can be common r actions for some children to some food additives. It was amazing how quickly my daughter switched to calm happy behaviour when I changed her diet and stocked up on foods and snacks that were very yum, but basic whole foods- as additive free as possible.

You have three children not two it seems

I'd be doing this too. Have done it on a number of occasions in fact. I need balance for my own sanity, but if I'm in the house then the kids want me and even if DH was up and willing they'd reject him. So it's much easier all round if I'm just not there, I'm not available for him or them to fall back on and they have to deal with it. Which they do, very well, as long as they're not in the same building as me!

You don't even have to go far away. My go to hotel is only about a 15 minute drive from me. The receptionist once saw my breast pump in my bag, sussed that I was there for some peace and upgraded me to a suite 😂 legend!

@ancienticecream

hang overs are self inflicted, but the children didn't ask to be looked after by him in that state!!

@whatishappening1 I'd get up with the children, I wouldn't inflict his morning after revolting mess on them.

Given everything you've said about him, I'd be seriously looking at separating. Parenting along us easier than parenting with a complete waste of oxygen!!

@TruthorDie I wouldn’t want my partner caring for my kids alone if he was too drunk/hungover to do so. If he came home early after a few then that would be fine but it doesn’t sound like he’s only going for a few

Absolutely no way I'd give my DH a lie in because he took the whole day off parenting and has a hangover.

Hangovers are self-inflicted, so I have absolutely no sympathy. You should have a big lie in and the afternoon off. You need it!

@whatishappening1 Is there any real reason why you couldn't grit your teeth to get through this week and book yourself a hotel room for next weekend?

That seems fair if he's had Saturday off this weekend and a lie in Sunday. It gives him warning. If he mentions money tell him you are simply matching whatever he has spent this weekend - that's fair, isn't it? And you are simply taking the time off he had this weekend - that's fair isn't it?

He hasn't really got a leg to stand on. There is nothing less attractive than an adult man who can't cope with his own children for a day or so.

Why feed into it? Just encourages his bullshit behaviour. I would fire off a text suggesting he’s home in the next hour or so if he’s to get up at 630

Zero chance of me getting up tomorrow in your situation. He basically had today off so he can do the lions share tomorrow. Plus obviously he had better not moan and go on about being hungover / tired etc

This. This is your best bet. Arrange for somewhere to go at lunchtime and leave him to it. Until past bedtime if you can.

then tomorrow morning start planning how you are going to leave him. He sounds like an utter wanker. A bullying wanker.

@Beansandneedles

😁Possibly! I am middle aged, menopausal, brisk and no nonsense. I was far too much of a 'people pleaser' when younger and now I have little patience for silliness and people who piss take.

Be firm about what you'll accept early on in relationships would be the best advice I could offer anyone.

I would get up with them tbh. If the kids get up at 6.30 I would imagine he won’t be fit to look after them. I’d then take the afternoon off, or maybe plan a night out for yourself next weekend.

Do you share chores and childcare? Leave the tidying and rest. Bin the breakfast and if baby is better don't buy it again.....does he do bedtime?
Why is it up to him how you spend money? Does he make all financial decisions?
Is the drinking session unusual or for a special reason?

I feel like this is the 3rd thread where I've just wanted to write 'this' on one of your comments. Are you me from a different dimension?! 😂

My OH enjoys a drink (not excessive, but way more than me who has about 3 drinks annually). He also enjoys staying up till 3am playing playstation and then sleeping for +8 hours. He does not like to be nagged about this behaviour, or feel judged in his own home. During the pandemic we made an agreement; if he doesn't shirk his parenting responsibilities (i.e. gets up with the children, doesn't allow hangovers to affect family time etc), then I will not be a judgemental witch. He can do what he likes as long as his actions do not adversely affect the family. So far this has worked superbly. Means I'm also more inclined to be nice when he is occasionally seriously suffering and can play the magnanimous loving wife when I send him back to bed. I get kudos for being nice, when before it was just expected that hungover people get a free pass and someone bringing them water and aspirin.

He does gets a free pass if he forewarns/asks me if I'd mind being parent number 1 on x day because he's going out/has a gaming tournament/something planned rather than just 'I meant to go to bed but suddenly it was 3am and I'd had 4 whiskeys so now I'm going to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself'.

However, we had to have this conversation at a mutual time, and agreed the terms together. He had demands (stop judging me) and so did I (stop acting like you don't have children). Prior to that if I'd have tried to get him up out of his self-inflicted pit of doom he'd have been a bear with a sore head and it would have been the kids suffering as they were parented by a short tempered dad.

TLDR: maybe that it's too late for tomorrow but you two need to have a chat about expectations, fairness, what you both need and how best to ensure you both get it?

I hear what you're saying but he will probably be suffering tomorrow so I would leave him in Bed, do you have time out with Friends? If not, get a day in the Diary soon so he can return the favour! My DH and I often give each other these Weekends day off and a lie in to recover the next day - maybe take a Nap tomorrow afternoon? Or he can do both baths / bedtimes so you can have a nice long bath and some time out?

He's basically had the whole day off today.

You get tomorrow. FWIW I imagine you could book a room in a Premier Inn or somewhere for what he will have spent today on train fares, drinks and food.

I'd be booking myself into one tomorrow and sleeping/reading/resting.

Tell him you'll be home early Monday morning to do DC breakfast before you got to work.

Can't you just talk to each other and decide who has a lie in and when? You have kids together so it's a joint effort surely?

Sounds like is financially controlling and thinks all nights out should be his with you as wifey who stays at home.

You need to change this dynamic, so yes, get mad and text him that he’s on morning duty so don’t get drunk.