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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry at the comments DD is getting?

37 replies

PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 18:05

DD is y7 and only 12! She has some good (female)friends with whom she sometimes holds hands or links arms with. She's told me she had comments from random (adult)people before, not nasty but definitely implying a relationship with the other girl rather than just friendship. She also mentioned she's getting comments and questions at school about being a "lez".

One of the girls won't do it anymore as she is too embarrassed. DD finds it upsetting, but not enough to stop.

Any suggestions with how to support her through this would be greatly appreciated. We had the chats about people minding their own business, she's not doing anything wrong, they're weird for caring or drawing conclusions, even if she was it's nothing to be ashamed of and no one's business etc.

AIBU to be angry that a nice,sweet friendship between pre teens ffs is viewed through a reductive and ultimately sexualised lens? They're just holding hands or linking arms!

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 19:36

tarheelbaby · 16/03/2024 19:17

I have always found it sweet that women of all ages link arms, on the Continent more but here in the UK too, when they are out and about. So many times I have seen mothers and daughters or close friends on a main street or in a market with elbows entwined. I love that your daughter is carrying on the tradition. Maybe mention this to her.

Some of the comments seem to be meant kindly: 'I support you' is just that. So give your daughter some confidence and skills - explain that many people might just be trying to be positive. And explain that if people over assume and are still kind that is positive step for all women and people.

Good point there. I'm not British and when my mum visits and we go out , we often link arms or hold hands, so DD grew up around it and doing it with us.

OP posts:
lemonmeringueno3 · 16/03/2024 19:33

Could it be her way of telling you that she might be gay?

DN started making these sorts of comments, almost testing the water about how her parents might feel about it, before coming out to them.

If not then I am not sure what she can do - she can't stop random adults commenting can she (although I think it's odd that they are)? She can ignore them or stop behaving in a way that attracts the unwanted comments I guess.

DanielGault · 16/03/2024 19:24

PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 18:05

DD is y7 and only 12! She has some good (female)friends with whom she sometimes holds hands or links arms with. She's told me she had comments from random (adult)people before, not nasty but definitely implying a relationship with the other girl rather than just friendship. She also mentioned she's getting comments and questions at school about being a "lez".

One of the girls won't do it anymore as she is too embarrassed. DD finds it upsetting, but not enough to stop.

Any suggestions with how to support her through this would be greatly appreciated. We had the chats about people minding their own business, she's not doing anything wrong, they're weird for caring or drawing conclusions, even if she was it's nothing to be ashamed of and no one's business etc.

AIBU to be angry that a nice,sweet friendship between pre teens ffs is viewed through a reductive and ultimately sexualised lens? They're just holding hands or linking arms!

God help them if they go to the continent!

tarheelbaby · 16/03/2024 19:17

I have always found it sweet that women of all ages link arms, on the Continent more but here in the UK too, when they are out and about. So many times I have seen mothers and daughters or close friends on a main street or in a market with elbows entwined. I love that your daughter is carrying on the tradition. Maybe mention this to her.

Some of the comments seem to be meant kindly: 'I support you' is just that. So give your daughter some confidence and skills - explain that many people might just be trying to be positive. And explain that if people over assume and are still kind that is positive step for all women and people.

SapphireOpal · 16/03/2024 19:08

PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 18:56

Can I ask why? They are 12 yos and look as such, in fact one is really tiny and looks more like a primary kid.

Show quote history

Because a lot of Year 7s are experimenting with relationships? I would assume two Y7s holding hands might well be "more than friends" irrespective of sex (although I wouldn't be that surprised if I was told they were just friends). Most of the children I know who are that age or older would generally not have held hands with a platonic friend by secondary age.

Wouldn't you assume a girl and boy that age holding hands were "girlfriend and boyfriend"?

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 18:56

SapphireOpal · 16/03/2024 18:37

I would likely assume 2 high school age girls holding hands were in a relationship tbh. You don't say the comments from adults were negative - just making an assumption which I think is fair enough?

The "lez" comments are obviously not on though and the school should be addressing this.

Can I ask why? They are 12 yos and look as such, in fact one is really tiny and looks more like a primary kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 16/03/2024 18:54

MineAgain · 16/03/2024 18:32

I can believe it of some very silly kids/teens but who are the adults saying this?

Just random strangers in the high street. One comment was "well done girls,I support you" and the other was "you make a very cute couple". That's when it was just two of them rather than in a three as they usually are. Like I said not nasty , but there's no need is there?

I have informed the school about the comments and they're on it , but they can't really stop them can they? Plus DD is worried about backlash and having some kind of (mostly)good relationship with her form so I'm threading lightly.

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 16/03/2024 18:37

I would likely assume 2 high school age girls holding hands were in a relationship tbh. You don't say the comments from adults were negative - just making an assumption which I think is fair enough?

The "lez" comments are obviously not on though and the school should be addressing this.

MineAgain · 16/03/2024 18:32

I can believe it of some very silly kids/teens but who are the adults saying this?

RatatouillePie · 16/03/2024 18:31

Just remind her that some people are narrow minded or perhaps have a very dull life of their own so feel the need to comment on others. She just needs to ignore them.

Beansandneedles · 16/03/2024 18:27

You're not being unreasonable. Unfortunately some people believe they're entitled to make inappropriate comments about other people, it feels like it happens more often too when those people are female but perhaps that's my biased perception. It sucks it's happened to your DD when she's so young. I remember some pervy old man in the post office commenting on my childbearing hips when I was all of 13. It's sick.

2dogsandabudgie · 16/03/2024 18:23

Why on earth would an adult say that to a young girl, I see loads of girls walking along with arms linked, don't think anything of it.