I posted about a month ago (although have since NC) about my husband secretly vaping for about 18 months. I wasn’t as bothered by the vaping itself as the fact he completely gaslit me when I could see the smoke vapour and also smell it. He made me feel like I was imagining things every single time. The final time I’d caught him, he was doing it in our 8 year old’s bedroom which I found distasteful.
Anyway, I received some advice on how to handle it, so I was very calm about it and said I absolutely didn’t expect him to quit as I know it’s an addiction, but I didn’t want him to do it in the house as our children have previously commented on the hazy smoke so they’re absolutely noticing it too. Above all, I said I didn’t ever want him to be dishonest again, so not to be silly and promise something he couldn’t deliver. He insisted he was horrified with himself and was going to quit.
Fine…except I got home the other day and the utility room was filled the familiar haze and smell. I couldn’t believe it, and I calmly asked him if he’d been vaping again. He said no repeatedly. I kept going because I KNOW what I saw. He tried to blame it on the tumble dryer etc. He finally gave in and told me.
I just feel like such a mug because he has broken my trust again. He fully acknowledged that I was understanding about it and made it easy for him to just carry on and not need to lie.
We’ve been married 11 years, 2 lovely children, but I have lost a lot of respect for him for lying. I asked if there was anything else he’d kept secret and he admitted that before we got married he had done coke behind my back several times. For personal reasons, this has really upset me, despite how long ago it happened.
I feel conflicted because he’s been so good at portraying this hard-working good man, but he obviously has a dark side and I just feel blindsided. He’s booked relationship counselling but I don’t even know if I should bother. His lying has shown a massive lack of respect. Should I cut my losses?