Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

Oh OP you really fucked up bringing her to your house. I'd be furious in your DHs position. Your guilt over your alcoholic mother is affecting his contact with his child.

You need to tell her it's time to go home in the morning. No bullshit.

You need to learn to grey rock, don't call her, only.answer when you have the emotional energy to resist her "sounds like you need to go to the gp" "have you told the gp?" "What did the gp say"

She's a full grown adult woman. You are not responsible for her.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

I get that, OP. I genuinely dislike my father, but still feel to some extent responsible for him. I think you need to explore that guilt with a therapist, and what would be reasonable ways to assuage it. Having your mother live with you would be your guilt running - and ruining - your life.

You need to find the point where you can reasonably help without it wrecking your home and marriage, say, helping your mother sell up and go into assisted living or engaging with social services on her behalf. Something you can reasonably commit to. Once you have worked through how much you are willing to commit, it will be very much easier to deal with your mother and her complaints.

Phone the local intensive mental health team. It'll be a long wait but they're obliged to offer support considering the suicide threats.

She's only 57???? Protect your marriage and send her home.

A lot of this rings a lot of bells for me about my mum. Thankfully - well due a massive health scare - she has amended her ways.

You need to go minimum contact. I hardly talked to mine for a few years. Never went no contact always sent cards/ gifts and did visit but we did not have a good relationship at all

Can she be reasoned with at all about going home before the children arrive? If not I'd be really tempted to go out for lunch and not bring her home let her get a taxi back to hers.

I know plenty of alcoholics that are in recovery who are wonderful people. But when 'active' they can be the biggest self centered idiots. The world is against them and no one cares or understands. If she is in denial there is very little you can do but I would be blunt as well, if people sugar coat it constantly it helps that person say in denial, and they don't need any encouragement to stay in the 'pity me' mode.

'Mum, living with us is not an option, so let's look at what you can do'

On repeat

Take her for a naice pub lunch and then kick her to the kerb drop her outside her own front door?

You have no responsibility towards her.
You let her live with you and say goodbye to your marriage

Or

You tell her that she needs to move back and that she needs to get her shit together.

You must prioritise your DH and DC and take your DM home. Do not get drawn into any manipulation. DM is responsible for her choices and her life
I'm 59,so your DM's age and I wouldn't dream of imposing on my DC's like this and I am disabled
Do not let her drive a wedge between you and DH.. and don't cancel your Sdcs visit

Sadly your guilt is allowing her to be enabled with this behaviour and could potentially impact your family. It's hard but you need to put boundaries in place and take her home. Provide her with the numbers of people who can support her and tell her she needs to act like an adult. I'd also recommend therapy or at least reading the book Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Your mum is not going to change, you need to decide how you cope with that and put you and your family first.

I think making a choice as to who you are putting first might help you organise your thoughts?

Your Dh, does he support you, loving, caring and want the best for you??

Or your mum, moans, alcoholic, manipulative, wants her own way..?

Then just say
'I'll help you pack tomorrow as dh's children are here this weekend'

And next time she falls, organise her a falls pendant for the council.

@Motherproblem101 you need to just pack her case tomorrow and tell her it was only meant to be for one night. you have other commitments. she needs to be told that her fate is in her own hands and no one else's. if she can clean at yours then she can clean at her own. she is not a geriatric!! you have to be strong and not let her walk all over you.

What do you do?
You have your own life and family, I presume.
How is this your responsibility?

FOG, fear, obligation and guilt is what you’re feeling, hard as it will be you need boundaries, alcoholism has far reaching ripples and many people are being impacted by your mum, time to be tough, no other option

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

I'd be furious about this if I were the mother of his children. Letting her down shouldn't be an option.

Tough love is what alcoholics need.

You need to lay down the law. Its your home at the end of the day and your DH home. Not hers.

You take her back to the house. You tell her it is not viable for her to stay longer as DHs children have visitation. No other excuse needed.

You let her know that her behaviour and threats of suicide are concerning and the next time you receive a phone call or text of this nature, that you will be calling the police for a well being call as you no longer have the lifestyle to facilitate housing her any time she has a bad turn.

To maintain contact, I would say a quick call once a day to check in, a visit once a week at her house (not yours).

You tell her firmly that if she does indeed sell her home, that there is no space for her to live on your home comfortably, and thats the end of it.

Dont let her dictate your life due to her poor choices.

It’s either your mother or your marriage. I know what I would choose. You need to be firm and take her home.

How utterly awful for you. I can't believe she is 57, many of us are still holding down heavy careers at that age and she's acting like an 80 year old.

OP just tell her you have the DC and you are taking her home tomorrow.

In terms of guilt, it is the most useless emotion, it gives you absolutely nothing. If you want to genuinely help tell her there is absolutely no way you are going to spend more time with her whilst she doesn't address her alcoholic issues.

What ways can you help her that are on your terms?

Dropping off a weekly shop to her?

Taking her out to shop once a week and returning her home?

Going round for a coffee and offering to do any lightweight unskilled tasks.

Giving her the names of organisations where she may be entitled to get help from.

You can appease any feelings of guilt by doing things to help but that don't involve her ruining your life.

This will end your marriage OP. You're in the FOG. Look into it and find a way out. You don't have an obligation to her.

Send her home, next time she threatens suicide, send the police to do a welfare check. You're going to have to let her hit rock bottom so she seeks and accepts help.

As pp said, just tell her she had her wires crossed about staying indefinitely as your step DC are coming over.

Stop answering the phone every time she calls, and every time she has a fall or health issue I would be calling for a welfare check rather than going myself, when a history has been built up of her falls and ill health it will be much easier to get social care involved.

You need to take a huge step back, your priorities are you, your dh and your kids. Someone who is supposed to love you, but is treating you like a meal ticket, and manipulating you into doing what she wants shouldn't come anywhere in you list of priorities.

Her love for you should be absolutely unconditional, your love for her should be conditional on her being a good parent, and she's not.

'Mother I said you could come over to visit but you're making it very difficult by your complaining and cleaning which I have not asked you to do.

It's not just my home it's my husbands too.

I'm going to take you home in the morning. If you start with the tears and the threats of suicide I shall have no option but to cut ties with you as I will not be manipulated. The situation you are in is of your own doing and whilst I've tried to help you as best I can, all you've done is complain and make things difficult.'

Do not entertain any argument or further conversation.

You shouldn’t be brining an alcoholic to your home for even a night. Your DH is right to not expose his children to this. He will need to leave if you don’t resolve it quickly.

you can take her to the GP and attend the appointment with her. You can take her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting if she consents. You can attend an al-anon meeting and learn to set firm boundaries. If she qualifies for any kind of benefits you can help her navigate that process.

ultimately, you can not save her.

I am going to sound harsh, but was also the child of a mother like this. Take her home tomorrow so your DH knows his DCs can come.

Then get some therapy to reframe your over-developed sense of responsibility. Contact al-anon for guidance in how to handle her and protect your own MH.

You are both adults and are both responsible for your own happiness. You are not obliged to look after her if she is manipulating you with suicide threats, etc. Her behaviour towards you - and thus your relationship - is utterly toxic. It is damaging you and your marriage. And it won’t help her either.

This is the most recent stately homes thread. They go back a long way.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4991681-january-2024-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?reply=133758235
She's not your responsibility. She chose to have you not the other way round.