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Original poster

Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

256 replies

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:25

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

OP posts:
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5
Lavenderandbrown · 15/03/2024 13:03

A late post op and hopefully she is back at her home now but surely you are not providing alcohol or allowing her to bring it or have it delivered or have any access of any kind IN YOUR HOME? I can’t imagine she would want to live anywhere where she can’t access alcohol. Also not sure of DH and DSC mum but could this be used to limit or erase his scheduled time with children if mom decided home was not safe for DC? Of course DH cannot allow MIL to jeopardize his parenting time

potato57 · 15/03/2024 13:01

Next time she tries it tell her you're calling the mental health crisis team, and follow through if needed.

If she refuses to leave now, on the basis that she's saying she's not safe alone, someone should come and get her.

ACuriousHare · 15/03/2024 12:57

Once you've got her to go, I'd tell her straight out that living with you won't work since there's no way that your DH will let his children be around an alcoholic. So she can forget about that.

Easipeelerie · 15/03/2024 12:56

Take her home. Signpost her to appropriate services.
Why would you do this without discussing with the other person in your home first?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/03/2024 12:53

Very well done on making the decision, OP - and goodd luck with getting her to actually go

Milkandnosugarplease · 15/03/2024 12:53

Bloody hell 57!

stand firm. You could have 30 years of this malarkey, it could end up costing you a fortune as well as your family if she moves in.

CALLI0PE · 15/03/2024 12:52

Motherproblem101 · 14/03/2024 18:44

She seems completely mobile and mentally fine when she's here. But apparently at home she's more like 87 than 57. She regularly Falls she swears it isnt alcohol causing it. She thinks she's getting dementia. She isn't disabled. But acts like she is old and infirm and can barely move.

She won't seek help for any of her issues.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt.

That’s fine if you can’t shake the guilt. You need to do what you know is the right thing and then get some support or counselling to help you deal with your own feelings . Id also recommend Al Anon - have you been to any of their meetings yet ?

Fannyfiggs · 15/03/2024 12:49

Motherproblem101 · 15/03/2024 12:15

I am driving her home as soon as I finish work.

I made a few excuses about why she needed to go.

I will not allow her back.

Once she's gone, over the phone I shall have an honest conversation with her.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm taking it on board.

I know I have to put myself and my family first.

Good for you OP 💐

It must be tough for you, but mummy dearest is at it. She's 57. She's a fully grown adult who needs to take responsibility for her own life. She is NOT your responsibility.

Good luck ❤️

loupiots · 15/03/2024 12:49

Well done @Motherproblem101 Find your boundaries and hold them.

I'd also suggest binning the idea of an 'honest conversation' - she's not capable of holding one. It will be in one ear and out the other; it's a waste of your energy.

It would be worthwhile having that conversation with your husband and getting his support in helping you keep the right boundaries in place with your mother. I never wanted to talk about it with my partner because I was ashamed but I learnt that the shame wasn't mine to hold.

I found Al-anon (0800 0086 811) and their website had helpful advice about dealing with alcoholic family members.

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/03/2024 12:41

I made the mistake of inviting my father to live with me when he was in his eighties with smoking related COPD. He was also a borderline alcoholic. He was a deeply unpleasant man, not to your face but he slated everyone we knew in some form. I invited him because he had almost died from an exacerbation so I thought he didn’t have long. It turned out to be 3 years and 4 months and I spent most of that time willing him to die. It was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. So my advice would be as others have said, tell her the kids are coming and she has to go home. Tell her she’s coming between you and your husband. She is not your responsibility, there are people who won’t understand the dynamic and might make you feel guilty but ignore them. I can’t imagine being like this with my kids (I am 60), in fact I have the opposite problem with one of mine. Honestly I still have dreams that my father has come back to life nearly four years later. Make a quick and clean break, get her out of your house, now is the perfect opportunity don’t waste it.

Ulysees · 15/03/2024 12:37

@Motherproblem101 excellent news. She'll just keep on being an emotional vampire until she's dead. You aren't responsible for her.

TorroFerney · 15/03/2024 12:33

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 14/03/2024 18:49

Harsh but honest, you have two choices: Lose your marriage (because there's no way your DH will tolerate this situation long term and have his kids around an alcoholic. Nobody's kids need that.
I speak as a recovered walking Guilt Trip. Your guilt will push you into making the wrong decisions for you and your family.
Don't do this. Don't prioritise your guilt.
Your mum has had her whole life to sort herself out. You can't fix this. You can give love and support from a healthy distance. Self preservation is vital here, OP.
Get her home. DH's kids are coming for a visit and she has to go home. Hard as it is to say this, you have to try and find the words to tell her and the courage to just do it. Get her home and honestly, don't worry about her reaction. Her bad reaction will be waaaay easier to deal with than her living with you. You can hang up on a bad reaction! You can mute it! You can close a door on it and still be kind to it. But living with you is something you won't have any respite from. It will really kill your spirit.
Growing up with a mother like her would have evaporated your ability to set healthy boundaries. I can't recommend therapy enough. Learn to set boundaries and prioritise yourself, DH, and his children. Protect the life you have and the marriage you've invested him. Don't let your guilt undermine all that you've built up.

"Don't prioritise your guilt" - that's a brilliant phrase thank you. Op would totally agree, have said this on loads of threads, you will say no and you will feel awful, physically ill perhaps but it will get easier the more you do it. Sit with the feelings and they will subside.

NaomhPadraigin · 15/03/2024 12:30

Motherproblem101 · 15/03/2024 12:15

I am driving her home as soon as I finish work.

I made a few excuses about why she needed to go.

I will not allow her back.

Once she's gone, over the phone I shall have an honest conversation with her.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm taking it on board.

I know I have to put myself and my family first.

Well done OP.
I'm sure this we very tough for you, but definitely put yourself and your own family first, and get some counselling.

Take care 💐

WinteryConditions · 15/03/2024 12:21

I've not read all the replies but have read OPs posts.

So not sure if it's been suggested but how about getting some help for yourself with a therapist. It's really understandable to feel guilt when it comes to dealing with parents evens if they are awful people but it might help to understand why you do and what you can do about it.
A therapist might be able to help you organise your thoughts and help you to understand how you can deal with your Mother. She isnt going to change!

Original poster
Motherproblem101 · 15/03/2024 12:20

worriedftb · 15/03/2024 12:18

Leave it with your DH to talk to his own mother!

She's my mother. Not his.

OP posts:
LumpyKat · 15/03/2024 12:20

worriedftb · 15/03/2024 12:18

Leave it with your DH to talk to his own mother!

You didn’t even read the first line of the OP 🙄

worriedftb · 15/03/2024 12:18

Leave it with your DH to talk to his own mother!

Original poster
Motherproblem101 · 15/03/2024 12:15

I am driving her home as soon as I finish work.

I made a few excuses about why she needed to go.

I will not allow her back.

Once she's gone, over the phone I shall have an honest conversation with her.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm taking it on board.

I know I have to put myself and my family first.

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 15/03/2024 12:12

She knows you have a strong sense of duty towards her and that you will find it very hard to refuse her, obviously you did it with good intentions but you have massively shot yourself in the foot by allowing her to move in.
I know she put you an impossible situation where you thought you had no alternative so I'm not saying that to have a go.
I would say your best option is to get her out as quickly as possible and by any means possible and then never ever let her over the threshold again. Easy for me to say I know.
Please listen, she will ruin your life without a second thought if you let her, not because she's evil but because she is dysfunctional and she is an addict. I am sorry.

StrawberrySquash · 15/03/2024 12:04

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt

You can't fix her. Don't destroy your marriage trying to.
That doesn't mean you don't give her any support - you have clearly given lots. But you can't let her take you down with her. That won't do anyone any good. I'm sorry because it must be very hard.

Gloriosaford · 15/03/2024 11:49

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt
She understands this and she is exploiting it, unless you can change your mindset you are trapped and she will take you down with her.
She will destroy you and then clamber over your withered husk to find the next victim.

Pennyplant19 · 15/03/2024 11:41

Don't let her stay. I have a close family member (alcoholic) living with me and the pressure it's put on DH and me is immense, and now they can't/won't move out.

alco · 15/03/2024 11:38

triballeader · 15/03/2024 11:23

I wish……….he had a VERY entitled mindset after all a bottle of wine costing £40 would not do you as much harm as drinking a bottle of supermarket plonk at £7. He had as in HAD a very high flying high paid job that for years insulated him against the effects of his drinking.
At 45 wet brain set in which he tried to pass off as early onset dementia and he was dead by 50. Towards the very end he would drink ANYTHING containing alchohol. I stupidly paid over £50k for a months rehab only to have him walk out after two weeks and straight into a wine shop. He rang me drunk to tell me he was suing said private hospital for failing to stop him drinking. He was a complete and utter nightmare that cost me an awful lot in solicitors fees to ensure I passed on trusteeship to them and he did not bequeath me debts.

Show quote history

That all sounds horrendous. For you absolutely but I so also feel sorry for him, that he was never able to take the help that was offered to him. £500 per day though, wow! I have only heard those figures from people that did drugs too.

Cornishclio · 15/03/2024 11:33

No way would I have my alcoholic mother living with me. Your husband should also get a say. If she is able to clean and moan she can go home. She sounds like the type of person where if you give an inch she will take a mile.

You need firm boundaries. Just take her home and say your step DC are coming this weekend so you don't have room.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/03/2024 11:32

IncompleteSenten · 14/03/2024 18:37

Sounds like you need to choose.
Your marriage or your mother.

Beat me to it. Take her home op, if you want to keep your marriage.