Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

Stay strong op. You can ring the council on Monday and refer her to the vulnerable adult dept. She really isn't your problem to solve. I am nearly her age and start couch to 5k on Monday!

Wow OP hope it went ok. I see so many of these posts where people are stuck, no in circles and nothing changes. I hope you have been able to follow your plan through

Good luck op.

You need to prioritise your husband and children, or you could end up alone with your mother.

I hope she goes quietly. Good luck.

Do you know what - you don’t have responsibility for her.

Shes an adult. Don’t be a dick to her, but don’t jeopardise your marriage.

Good.

I'm really pleased to read this update.

You've got a lot of people cheering you on and willing you to stand firm on this.

Best of luck to you later on when you're driving your mother home.

Hope it all goes ahead in a positive way OP. My dm used to cry and try to manipulate over the small things but I knew just to ignore it. It's all you can do.
You can't help someone who refuses help in the long run, but you can try then, if they don't accept it at least you know in your mind that you tried.

I'm delighted to read your update
Well done for making the decision.
Take care of yourself

maybe try what I used to do, call the police and ask them to do a well being check. IF it’s legit and capacity is in question they are the ones who can get a person to help. If it’s plain manipulation they will have a few words…..

What would you suggest she does instead?

How will she access alcohol staying with you?

"Don't prioritise your guilt" - that's a brilliant phrase thank you. @TorroFerney agreed.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater so great.

@Motherproblem101 57 years old - lol. I am actually only a few years younger than she is, working like a loon, with a school aged child still. Is that the sound of tiny violins I hear? Many people have nearly a decade left of working life at that age. Not sure how old you are, but she can't be "presenting as 87" for real, for crying out loud. If she's falling, it's the booze.

She needs to look after herself, she cannot impose on you at this age.

You may want to look at SMART recovery, which is an alternative approach to Alcoholics Anonymous. They have “Friends and family” meetings, some in person, some online. The focus of the F&F meetings is on helping the F&F deal with their feelings, including reducing guilt and learning how to detach with love.

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/

Well done OP. Good decision.
Hard but it is her own fault and there is no obligation for you to help her when she refuses help from GP or to help herself.
You can't actually help her anyway.
All you would be doing is wrecking your own life.
I hope you manage to get her home without further drama.

It will be hard taking her home, she's probably good and making you feel responsible. But you have to stick to your guns, the alternative is unthinkable

Fully agree with this, @Stompythedinosaur (love your username BTW!!) but frankly I'm hoping the "D"M doesn't stage some sort of "health emergency" which means she can't be moved

With the kind of manipulation OP's described nothing would surprise me ...

Well done, OP. That's a very good decision.

Honest conversation over the phone - this isn't something you objectively have to do. If you feel you need to do it (which is fair enough), focus on making sure you say what you want to say, but don't be surprised if it all gets twisted and turned, or if you come away feeling that she didn't really hear. If she doesn't, it's not your fault. Decide what help you're comfortable giving and offer it. It's on her if she doesn't take it.

I know she's your mum, OP, and that you love her and feel responsibility for her despite everything. My heart goes out to you. But she's an addict, and addicts say whatever they need to say to get what they want. You're the child of an addict and you don't see it as clearly as someone who didn't grow up with a parent like this.

There's nothing you can do to help her. She has to help herself. Taking her into your home and possibly destroying your marriage won't help her, it'll just enable her to carry on doing what she does.

Go to Al Anon or talk to someone today: their helpline number is 0800 0086 811. I'd also try to talk to her GP or send an email setting out the situation.

On a practical level, I'd do whatever I could to get her back in her home: perhaps get her to go back with you to turn off the water or get some more clothing. Then leave her there. It will sound harsh, but whatever she does is her responsibility.

Someone once gave me some brilliant advice about marriage: It means that when push comes to shove, you have to put your spouse and new family ahead of your parents.

Of course, you still love your parents, and they are there for you if you ever need to go back. But the real test of whether you are ready for marriage-level commitment is "Are you prepared to side with DH/DW over DM/DD".

So on that basis I am sitting here applauding.

You have made the right decision OP, hope in some way things can improve for you.

Please don't call an ambulance to a threatened suicide.
This is a long standing manipulation.

@Motherproblem101 What a pain in the neck. Alcoholics are an absolute pain to be around.. unless they are in recovery .
Time for some tough love!

oh apologies, I completely misread! Then, yeh, you've dealt with it best you can.

Yes, for the sake of your sanity and your marriage, your mum needs to return to her own home. I don't underestimate how difficult this will be emotionally for you but it isn't going to work. And yes, depending on what money your mum has in bank, she will eventually be entitled to benefits. This can be addressed later, step by step

Well done op!

It will be hard taking her home, she's probably good and making you feel responsible. But you have to stick to your guns, the alternative is unthinkable.

She's an able bodied adult woman. Not particularly old. Your role is to offer advice and emotional support, not a home. Just keep directing her - if she's suicidal offer her the Crisis Team's number, if she's having falls suggest she sees a GP. Stonewall any suggestions if living with you with "we don't have space for that".

You are in a very difficult position first off I have never been in your position but I also think that you both need help and fast . If she won't seek help such as doctors etc could you not ask them to call round for a chat? Ring the social welfare and find out what entitlements she can claim.

Me and my family had such a hard time with my brother, it was awful. He got worse and worse because we did enable him to some extent - he was very surprised when he was made homeless, and I would not let him move in with me. He expected that I would step up. He was in a psychiatric hospital and all the nurses and doctors were reassuring him that he could come home with me when he was discharged - I took him straight to the council and he spent months in a homeless shelter.

I had seen it coming and prepared myself to say 'no' by reading a thread very much like this, OP, with very much all the same advice.

Also, AL anon was so useful. I didn't go to many meetings, only six or seven. It was enough to know that I was not to blame, it was not my responsibility, and it gave me the language I needed to say no. So many people have been through it.

My brother died when he was 55, entirely of alcohol related issues. All of the help and support I received helped me understand it wasn't my fault or responsibility and there was nothing I could have done. In fact, if I had taken him in, he would only have ended up dying in my home.

Alcoholism is cruel and complex, and complete in its hold on some people. It's not your fault.

Xxx