Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

I'm not sure what magic wand some people think a GP is going to wave to make any difference to an alcoholic. In most areas addiction services are self referral and the OP could probably google her area's services. If her mother doesn't want to stop drinking there isn't much a GP can do. If she wants a referral her GP could refer her but a GP referral isn't essential. Social services are also self referral.

Please google covert Narcissism. You are deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) at the moment but you need to take a step back and see this for what it actually is. Good luck, I hope you’re able to put sone boundaries in place.

What were you thinking? If she had a fall and can't look after herself, you get her to call an ambulance. You don't go collect her - especially when you know she wants to live with you. Tell her you and your husband have discussed it, and she can't stay. If she can clean at your house, she can clean at hers. Tell her to get a rent-paying lodger for extra money. You should never, ever share your home with toxic people. It will cause too many problems in your marriage and other family relationships. I know my marriage has and could survive absolutely anything that could happen - except if I had allowed MIL to live with us.

Hi OP
Sorry to hear this. I see a number of similarities to my own mum, including the denial that alcohol is a problem.

I highly recommend having a listen to this podcast about healing from emotionally immature parents which helped me reframe a lot of things in my mind and brought some peace. Lindsay C Gibson has also written a book which is on my library list!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/344qecXTx793cJhIUBjl54
or
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-with-glennon-doyle/id1564530722?i=1000637517353

One other thing I’ve learned is that we can only help people who are willing to do the work to help themselves, which begins with taking responsibility for their own stuff. And for some, the level of pain/discomfort/unsafety in that makes it beyond their capacity to choose. It’s desperately sad, but it’s not ours to fix (and definitely not ours to trash our own lives trying). I’ve come to believe my work is sorting out my own wounds so I pass less of this generational trauma onto my kids and future generations.

Wishing you strength in holding your boundaries 🙏

If she refuses help then it’s probably time to let go. Hard as that might be. Shes 57 not 87 so has plenty of life & time to sort herself out. But that’s her decision. x

@Motherproblem101 I'm a couple of years older than your mum. I have to sell my home for very different reasons and will not be left with much money.
I am looking at supported/retirement rentals. You should check if your mum is eligible for sickness benefit, alcoholism is an illness after all. Obviously, she won't get benefits if she sells and has a big profit. It may allow her to remain in her home.

Re: your last sentence here, I would say “Let’s take you living with us off the table altogether because it’s not going to happen. So, the next option is to downsize to something like a 1 or 2 bed bungalow, and use the sale proceeds to live on. How can we get this moving?”

Does she have adequate cash for an Estate Agent?

Make an appointment with her GP for her depression and take her home. It sounds a lot like emotional blackmail to me, but if you give in it will ruin your relationship.

I had a dad like this. Drinking whiskey night and day. Very manipulative. Lasted years.
Don’t let her move in. Not fair on your partner or yourself.

You need to get some support for yourself because you (understandably) can’t see that she’s playing you.

Book her an appointment with the GP and take her there, go in with her. Then explain that she has to stand on her own two feet and get herself some help, that you are not qualified to help her with her mental health, and that you’re not willing to have her move in because she drinks.

You have to choose between your marriage (and kids if you have them) or your mum.

You sound like you just need someone to tell you she doesn't have to live with you.

"She doesn't have to live with you".

You have the right to say no if it's not suitable, which it isn't.
Loving and caring for your mum can happen whilst living apart.
Be very firm and think of what you are willing and able to do.
She's an abusive, alcoholic who seems set on destroying her life and she's decided what you are going to do for her .
No. No. No.

Similar situation going on in exH's family at the moment.

His brother has been a chronic alcoholic for as long as I have known him, 25 years +. He has lost jobs, homes, relationships and access to his child, alcohol always came first. He once almost died as he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand and set fire to the sofa he was lying on.

The thing is, he has no reason to change. His father keeps on bailing him out time and time again. He lost his last house so his father found him a room in a shared house or hostel (not sure which) and he is now back at his dads less than a week later as he went on a 4 day bender and got thrown out.

But as I say, as he has never hit rock bottom he has no push to change.

Often the kindest thing you can do to help an addict face their behaviour and change it, is absolutely NOTHING. Let them fall over so they can learn how to pick themselves back up again, until you do that she will continue in this cycle because she knows that you will always help her out when she fucks up.

Chances are she is drinking too much as it numbs depression whilst creating depression and brain fog.

However as you say unless she wants to change how much she is drinking, and see the problem, little can be done.

Also as you lose respect and love for her, you will see her less and that creates a vicious circle for you both.

do either of you have extended family (not your DH) that can sit down with you both and speak plainly to your mum? Sort of like an intervention. Get her to agree to go into therapy or rehab clinic, sell the property and buy something more suitable?

She lost the right to access you as the responsible daughter.

She isn’t managing her life. Well, she treats you like shit. She obviously treated your husband like shit.

Take her back to her home, and have her sort out her own life. You do not owe her anything because it’s obvious she’s not respectful towards you or your family.

And then you need to go see a therapist on how to cope with cutting the cord on someone who is obviously very toxic.

So sorry to learn of your situation, so difficult and mentally and physically exhausting. This is impossible and so hard when you have the responsibility and it is your Mum. As you have already said unless your Mum wants to get help there is nothing you can do. Please get some support for yourself, speak to your GP and contact AA for support for yourself in dealing with the situation. As for getting her back home there is no easy way, I wish your husband and children could be more supportive and understand the situation is so hard for you.

She doesn't want to change her behaviour, she wants to go on behaving badly and for you to look after her and pick up the pieces. You can't do that. It's not good for you or her.

She needs a compelling reason to change, it seems cruel but you need to let her know you won't help her unless she is on a path to change - cruel to be kind.

Al Anon might be a good resource for you.

Take her back home for the sake of your marriage. You aren’t responsible for her alcoholism; she’s an adult and responsible for her own behaviour. Contact AA to see if they can give you advice. She can sell her house and buy a flat.

Well done op. That must have been tough, but it’s the right thing. Stay strong and maintain your boundaries for your own healths sake.

Well done Op. You've 100% done the right thing.

You've done the right thing and at least you told her how you feel you really tried your best she really doesn't deserve you as a daughter! Take real good care of yourself and your own family go low or no contact you really can't reason with an alcoholic take it from me I had a difficult relationship with my own mother so I understand 💐

You've done the right thing @Motherproblem101so take a deep breath. It's not easy but think of your own family from now on. Good luck

@Motherproblem101 well done and best wishes going forward.

@Motherproblem101 I'm glad you managed to get through. I actually think it went as well as it could and was kind of predictable. You were honest and clear and put a boundary in place. You did the right thing. Your mother was not prepared to hear it she's not ready and might not ever be. You understand where you are with her now she's out your house. So you could see this as a big win. And low contact sounds wise (and some counselling)

Hope it went well earlier for you OP.