Worried about DSs friend subsiding their trip

What stuck out for me is that the OP thought her son would have a negative experience because some one was paying for him to go on holiday.

Rather than thinking - my son needs to start earning some cash so he can keep up with his mates. It’s embarrassing she wants him to keep his sports up so other people can fund his life style.

Cock lodger fledgling

Then put your hand in your pocket and pay for your freeloading CF of a son.
You should have spent more time instilling morals and less on his 'sport'.

Money can always be replaced. Maybe not as easily as it came by originally but it can be

Missed opportunities will always remain missed

OP ignore all the other posters who are calling you names for daring to entertain someone spending their money how they wish

What exactly is the point of asking "Mumsnet" for opinions, if you then ignore the majority of answers ?

I suspect if you had left the friend's gender ambiguous, or it had been a male friend, replies wouldn't be so harsh because it's not a male friend "taking advantage" of a young woman who can only ever be a victim.

Don't be ridiculous.
I my dc of either sex were throwing away ££ that couldn't be replaced on subsidising a holiday for friends, I sincerely hope one of the adults close to them talked some sense into them.

OK fair enough, apologies Thisoldheart and point taken. I’m glad it’s worked out well in your case.

I also know someone who blew a (grandparents’) inheritance in their late teens. They went abroad for longer and more lavishly than OP seems to suggest, following a sport internationally that they were all really into as teenagers. The relationships were fine at the time and for a few years after and obviously they had a total, ridiculous extravagant blast for a few weeks.

But the friendships didn’t need to have had that crazy once in a lifetime experience to have survived, they could have done much more minor things together and still had loads of fun.

The person with the inheritance had no ability as a teenager to think more into the future and keep any financial cushion back for hard times, they weren’t otherwise from a wealthy family. This was all done with parental blessing which became an issue later on.
The friends are not really in touch with each other now as adults and I don’t know if the person who spent their inheritance feels regret.

CurrentHun - yes ,different circumstances .That's why I said "Everyone's circumstances differ."Point is ,it's not always a bad idea.
And people reading the thread might be interested to know that sometimes ,it's ok .

Thisoldheartofmine, these are different, irrelevant circumstances.

I’m sorry there’s been a bereavement but you’re here to guide your young adult son with your adult wisdom and knowledge of the world , whereas this teenager has lost both her parents. You are content that your son can afford it, whereas OP doesn’t know what her financial situation is. You have full adult oversight over the friendship dynamics in the situation. Who knows what’s going on in the other scenario.

Gnome had good advice to OP:

No, you should not be allowing anyone, especially a bereaved friend, to be paying your sons way in this manner. Either you or he pays, or you face the reality that you/he cannot afford it. Chalk it up to the first of many life experiences your son misses out on due to you not enabling him to get a job.

I find it a bit odd your more concerned about her behaviour than your son free loading of a girl one who’s parents had to die to get her money.

Have a word with yourself AND your son.

If he can’t afford it he doesn’t go

Thanks for mumsnetsplaining

I haven't agreed with him and nor have I enabled or done anything about his job seeking. That's for him to do and I have just encouraged him to keep going.

Yes he's done job boards and all of that. It's just quite difficult as a 17 year old and he and his local friends have had no luck

Fwiw my son was the person who inherited money and he paid for 2 friends when they all went to America.
10 years on he and 2 friends are planning another trip somewhere else and he's paying for one.
He didn't call the shots , that's not his nature.
The particular circumstances are that son is only child , single, lives at home , works, has v v few social expenses because he's a gamer.
If this is how he sees a bit of the world , I'm happy. The 3 of them are firm friends (2 male,1 female) and compliment eachother.
Everyone's circumstances differ. It works for them.

Travelling, being young with your friends ,negotiating differences, is an investment in growing up -priceless. Money well spent .
Let him go.

He needs a job. You are curtailing his opportunities and life experience but him not having one. My DD manages to compete at a very high level, trains 3x a week, competes at weekends all around the country and manages a job. All this alongside a-levels which I suspect will be similar as she wants to do a very similar course as your DS. You just need to show your son how to manage his time.

No, you should not be allowing anyone, especially a bereaved friend, to be paying your sons way in this manner. Either you or he pays, or you face the reality that you/he cannot afford it. Chalk it up to the first of many life experiences your son misses out on due to you not enabling him to get a job.

And this.

If it was me, I'd want my child who was orphaned at a young age and therefore suffered a terrible event at an age they shouldn't have to face death that close to home to then spend the money they got from said terrible experience on something that made them happy....

So long as they have some left to then set themselves up, if they want to spend some making happy memories with the friends who've supported them through this awful experience.

I'd also be hugely offended if, as the friend in this situation, one of my friend's mothers came around to "sit me down and give me a talk". It would infantilise me, make me feel a "poor, little orphan girl has no parents so must need me to tell her how to spend her own money" and just generally feel insulting.

This.

Sorry, your claim is that there isn't bar / restaurant / cleaning work in London? Are you quite insane? Have you not even attempted to open job boards or even look around with your own etes?

Your DS needs to get some help with his interview skills, sign up to agencies and take a bus. It will not help him to be enabled by a parent mindlessly agreeing with him that there are no jobs.

why didn’t you contribute to bills and pay for wine?

This. If they’re such good friends don’t you have any concern for her? Can’t you have her round for tea and help her think it through?

Not all teems can get jobs! My DS has applied for tons including cleaning, bar work, supermarkets, steward etc. In parts of London it seems to be particularly hard as for every kid there's a bunch of adults also applying who have work experience

Yanbu. That poor child has lost both her parents and wants to spend her money on her friends. No. That money is hers. Your DS pays his own way but not for the reason you say but to protect a vulnerable child's money.

No, the son should get a part time job!

I think some of your concerns are valid but they're 18 now, they need to learn for themselves. They'll be fine. They can come home early if need be.

Going travelling together will be a test of friendships regardless of the money situation. Parents need to back away a little.

I don't in principle think it's wrong to share costs, but in this case the friend is very vulnerable and it's wasteful to pick expensive cities for the sake of it. They can visit those for weekends in their 20s. I would want to speak to the girl and counsel her not to waste her inheritance on others. They could all fly to Asia and have an amazing, much cheaper, long trip.

You think you're helping DS by letting him not work, but you're very wrong sadly. All of them should get jobs to earn some money for this; it's so important for their later careers that they can point to any part time work they did, and they can grow working life skills in a safe environment where little slip ups don't matter.

I would be less worried about the friend calling the shots and impeding your son’s enjoyment than I would about her burning through her inheritance to subsidise a friend who is more than capable of funding his own way.

I think you would be right to tell your son that it’s morally dubious to accept this offer and to insist that they all pay their own way and cut their cloth accordingly.

No wonder he's such a sponger with a parent like you. They always play a sport as well so can't possible get a job

Maybe she wants to have a trip like this but isn’t confident enough to do it alone, or wants to enjoy the company of these friends. If you can afford to help your son with the costs of a trip do it, if you can’t maybe it’s ok for this girl to subsidise it a bit, as it will increase her own enjoyment.