To feel like I've let my kids down..

OP - do you love your kids and spend time with them (I hate the term quality time - but you know, fun stuff/playing etc)? Because if you do they won’t really give a crap about the size of your back garden.

At the moment, me and my husband and 6 children share a 2 bedroomed home. Me and my husband sleep on the L shaped sofa, the twins in the cots next to us, the 4 older children share the two small upstairs bedrooms, so I understand lack of space. But my kids are clean, fed, clothed and we are extremely happy and close. Myself and my husband are both disabled and we had a huge drop in income, but we thank our lucky stars that having this tiny property means we save money for the odd week away together and we know full well before we know it we will yearn for these madcap busy days and our two bed house will one day seem huge lol. X 😊 anyway, smaller house + less housework = more time to play and enjoy the kids lol

3 bed bathroom down stairs, tiny kitchen house to now after extension 5 bed, 2 bathroom, 1 ensuite house with utility room dog room and kitchen diner. My kids are no happier or more loved if anything it was detrimental to our family as it was a self build and hubby was always busy and still not 100% finished. We have less money as bigger mortgage and bills so less disposable income for holidays and days out. No we aren't well off hubby is a employed builder and I'm a carer. point is the grass is not always greener! A bigger house doesn't make you happier x

OP, quit the self pity party and work on your garden. Make it a family thing. I’ve also got a small backyard with limited space but have made it quite a cozy, enjoyable space. You can all do this!

Excuse me? I'm solid middle class and middle aged and we've never been able to afford either of those nor do we complain about it. Nothing sudden about it.

I've not read the entire thread but your description of your home sounds similar to ours (but ours is smaller) and I feel the same way. It's what I would call a starter home and I never planned on being here as long as we have but I've had no choice.

Ours is a tiny hall (it's the width of the front door squared) into a small living room and kitchen. Garden is awful and no matter what I've tried it's just been awful due to the ground. Luckily its small. Upstairs we have a small landing, (I'm taking 3 doors coming off in a U Shape and no wall in between) to a small bathroom the length of a small bath, a box bedroom and a main room that fits a wardrobe and king-size bed. If you haven't guessed it's all small lol.

It was OK when it was just me starting out but then my child came along, my relationship broke down and its been me and him since. I've sometimes found myself abit jealous of others being able to do up, move or extend when it takes me years to he able to make any changes. Lockdown was the worst as so many people improved their homes and i was literally pulling my hair out trying to survive on furlough let alone make changes to our home. I've even been upset at times that I can't give my son a better home, with more space. Even in the communal areas we are under each others feet. When we do have guests it's chaos and makes me so anxious.

However my son loves his home. It's all his ever known and talks about it so sweetly. When he was younger he would get upset at the idea of moving house. When I tell him my wishes he will always respond with how lovely he thinks our home is.

As much as we feel we have let our children down to our children this is their home, their safety and where the most important people in their lives live, with them. Don't be hard on yourself as much as I know myself it's hard to not wish we could do more.

^This.

I feel so sad for you reading this. Not because you think your house is small etc. Because you feel you've let your children down. You have given them a home, love, food on the table. Thousands of children dream of this. Please don't ever feel this way. There will always be someone doing better, richer, better looking etc. It does not mean they or their children are happy. I lived in a fairly large house, nice holidays growing up. I never felt loved. I have a very estranged relationship with my family now. Your children are incredibly lucky that you care. I promise you

We’ve extended ours a bit, but both of us grew up in the standard 3 bed semi and our DBs both had the tiny third bedroom. We all did fine! Almost all our mates had homes like that - a few lived in bigger four bedroom homes. No evidence that they were happier than us.

OP, what will harm your DC is a miserable mum upset with her home. Focus on what you’ve got. My DSs have both got mates with much bigger family homes, but have rarely commented on it and I’ve tended to say ‘that’s nice’ and not let it bother me.

That size sounds like a lot of Cornish cottages. We live in one and it is our forever home, the small floor space makes if easier to furnish and tidy.

Well, if it assuages your pity, party, I live in a tiny 2 bed council with my daughters and they'll probably resent such a small space as they get older.
BUT, I bloody love and appreciate our little Hobbit Home. My dream home would be a cottage in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by animals, but that ain't gonna happen!
I like friends' larger homes and seeing how they live, but I don't feel hard done by or experience jealousy (although, I love my mate's pimped out Catio, so a bit of envy there!).
Do you actually like this friend, as you seemed unable to throw in about her not having to go out to work etc etc.

I grew up in a small house with a box bedroom that didn't fit much more than a single bed in. In no way did that make me feel let down by my parents, I might have had a bit of a moan as a teenager but it really wasn't a big issue.
Don't compare yourself to others, it will only make you miserable.

I agree with all of this.
Also, while this isn’t the point of the thread, for me as a child, I began to wonder why my parents had so many kids that they couldn’t really afford

I also thought I lived in a big house growing up, even though I shared a bedroom with a sibling! Turns out it was pretty small 😂. I had a great childhood.

Totally missing the bigger point...

Our tiny garden (concrete yard) is flat. I dream of grass and slopes. Can you dig in a slide? Make a water course that they can sail small boats down? Rig up a rope climbing-frame.

Sloped gardens have so much potential. Maybe google some ideas.

You live within your means you provide a stable home for your children. Some people can't even afford the basics ATM. Whole family's living in one room that's cramped.

I totally understand. My house is end terrace 3bed worth about 200k. We have an ok garden considering the size of the house but the actual house compared with my friends houses just feels so small and shabby. I have friends with stunning 5 bed houses with extensions and gyms in. It is so hard not to compare and not to feel quite sad! I know people have far less and we should be grateful for what we do have but it is hard when you have friends with so much more. It makes you feel like a failure. One of my friends is also accidentally snobby about it, she doesn't mean to but her first comment when she came to visit was "awww your little house!" 🤔.

Kids always love playing with their friends' toys, regardless of how many they have at home. It's novelty value!

The best toys are versatile ones. Our most surprising best buy was soft jigsaw floor mats to make a road layout. Yes it started for cars. Stacks away nicely. Then DS2 started using the jigsaw pieces to make walls/blocks/cars/a robot.... they've been the best building block thing we've ever bought and they were supposed to just be a floor mat!

Second surprising best buy was a tunnel that can be packed away very small. ALL children love it. We took it to the park to be part of an obstacle course for parties (we were in a flat with no garden). It got used for YEARS. then when my 2 were finally too big I passed it onto a colleague who also lives in a tiny flat. Her toddler DD was ecstatic.

Children don't need loads of toys. They need some toys that can be used for different things.

Also, having lived abroad a lot of my adult life, I realised how much having a posh home/big home is a big deal to us Brits. When I lived in Brazil, Europe and S. E. Asia, lots of us expats and reisdents who were seen as wealthy lived in high rise apartments, as this is seen as efficient and modern.

My friends and colleagues in these countries did not care about having a big house; they wated just enough to live in and be comfortable.

It made me realise just how much we base how successful we seem to be upon our houses in the UK. A house is a status symbol as well as a lived experience. But is bigger always better?

I purposefully bought a small, cute little house. I love it.
When I look at big houses I just think of all the house work and heating bills. Also big houses mean everyone can be separate and in different rooms; very isolating!

Kids remember laughs, happiness, fun family days out, etc. Hugs make them happy...Not the square foot of a house!

comparison is the thief of joy.
OP please stop comparing yourself to others!

I have a 2 bed flat. All I want for my DS is a garden, we can’t afford to move and can’t afford anywhere else due to COL.

You have absolutely not let your children down!
You provide them with a loving home, roof over their heads, heating, food on the table and bed to sleep in, that’s not letting your children down.
I also have similar worries about our house being cramped and looked at bigger properties we could move to, my DD14 didn’t like any of them as she loves our ‘little’ house, my DS16 loves the location and my DS6 never wants to move… so to me that says it all. It’s not about the size of the house it’s the love inside it x

I think adults notice these things far, far more than kids.

And I think kids notice different things. I've had conversations with old childhood friends where I've told them how much I coveted or envied something and they turn around and tell me something about my home or family life that they wished they'd had. Kids are always comparing, I guess it's part of finding their place in the world and what their values are.

I saw a run down home with a Dad who drank too much - my friends saw lots of free space (we lived on an old farm) and a fun Dad.

I think adults notice these things far, far more than kids. I lived in a big detached family home growing up, and my best friend lived in a very modest 2 bed + box room terraced house, but until I was an adult thinking back, the difference never even occurred to me. That was just their house, and I spent half of my childhood there having a blast.
Happy childhoods are not made in large spacious bedrooms and grand hallways, they are made in families and with friends. It's hard not to project your own feelings about house sizes and values onto your kids, but their lens is completely different.

It's understandable and normal to worry that you're not giving your kids enough, and to play the comparison game, but don't let those feelings fool you into thinking there's any truth there.

I grew up in a very scruffy house. It was being gradually worked on for pretty much my entire childhood, because it was in an awful state when my parents bought it. It didn't have carpets or proper flooring, nor wallpaper or paint on the walls, for a big chunk of my childhood. The garden was largely concrete, in a sort of small square shape. We didn't have a car and walked or bussed everywhere. Holidays were UK based and traveled to and from by train, often with many connections and lots of walking. Accommodation was small self catering flats or Travel Lodge type places.

In contrast, I had a friend who lived in a very affluent area nearby, with a large house, big garden, two big family cars, frequent holidays abroad including skiing, all the expensive residential school trips, kitchen and fridge full to bursting, etc.

I can honestly tell you that I was the happier of us. My childhood felt so full of freedom, imagination and love. I look back on it with such fondness and nostalgia. When I went to friends' houses and played with their endless toys in big bedrooms and gardens, yes, it was fun. It was the fun of going somewhere different and joining in with their lifestyle for a bit - that's all. My friend with the big house and garden had a pretty mixed childhood: both her parents drank copiously and were usually passed out from multiple bottles of wine by the early evening. She was definitely happy in some ways.

But my point is, our childhoods were not defined by the size of the house we grew up in, nor the cars, nor the holidays. It was how home-life was. How free we felt to play and be creative. How loved and secure we felt. I genuinely believe I had the better childhood despite having the "worse" house, no car, no holidays abroad, charity shop toys, etc. So please try and focus on these things, instead of worrying about house and garden sizes. You really can still give your kids a magical childhood.