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Original poster

Would you want your DDs to marry someone like your DH?

137 replies

Anglophone · 10/03/2024 08:04

I love DH to bits but since have DD (14 months) he - like many it seems on here - has shown a shit side. I know that first year or so of having children is full of stress, over tiredness etc. but there have been a few occasions where honestly, he has lost every inch of respect he has gained as a pretty amazing husband over the last 10 years.

We have thankfully resolved most of these issues and he is being infinitely better with DD and with me. Although in the back of my mind I still resent the period where he wasn’t a supportive husband and the times he wasn’t the best father.

It got me thinking, honestly, deep down I’d never tell DD to marry someone like DH. I want better for her. The best in fact.

I am wondering if other women feel the same, not being super ‘unhappy’ with their husbands and definitely not unhappy enough to leave but wouldn’t want their daughters (or sons!) to marry someone like them in an ideal world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:46

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

I hope your daughter finds someone who is deserving of her time, affection and love Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:44

Dacadactyl · 10/03/2024 08:51

Yes I would be happy if DD married a man like her dad.

He goes above and beyond for us all and always has done. We come first, no matter what.

But OP, your child is very small still and in a testing stage. He may well improve as she gets older.

oh definitely

He has got so much better in the last couple of months in all areas - tbh I did say yesterday I’m concerned he has been body snatched!

He turned a corner with DD and the parenting side when she was about 7 months but only recently from the equal partner side

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:42

FoxSticks · 10/03/2024 08:42

No I hope to god she doesn't. Don't mean to be bleak but I could have said word for work what you said about his behaviour when they were babies. Raising children requires you to be adaptive and it gets tougher when they start forming their own opinions and pushing boundaries. My husband is totally unable to cope with that and spends his whole life acting like a victim and raging against me and the children over issues he causes in my opinion. I spend my whole life managing everyone else's emotions, I'm like a referee and constantly walking on eggshells. My sister commented to me yesterday it must be exhausting being that angry all the time, it certainly is for me managing the constant fall out. I hope this is the year I can find a way to escape and finally build a happy and positive life for my family. Hopefully not putting up with it anymore will be the lesson my dd and ds need not to repeat their parents mistakes.

I hope you do manage to escape this year and find the emotional freedom you deserve 💐

OP posts:
WhiteDigestives · 10/03/2024 09:40

Absolutely. If we have a DD, I hope she’ll see what a wonderful example he is and set her standards accordingly!

Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 09:40

I think without knowing what the “few occasions” were it feels very harsh to lose 10 years of respect for a partner so quickly.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:39

Phineyj · 10/03/2024 08:32

I'm going to advise her not to marry at all unless she's 100% convinced it's the best plan.

I'm also going to ensure her finances are solid.

A lot of women (not all) end up making their DH's life easier but the reverse is sadly not always or even often true.

Girls/women are not on this planet to make men's lives easier.

Oh yes! I can’t think of one woman I know whose life is made easier from marrying! Except maybe being able to join finances and get a larger property than if they were single.

I’ve always said next lifetime I’ll get a wife 😅

OP posts:
Chylka · 10/03/2024 09:38

Yes! I really would! But I had a great example of the right type of chap from my own dad.

Malarandras · 10/03/2024 09:37

I’d sooner my daughter joined the SAS than married a man like her late father.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:36

DarkForces · 10/03/2024 08:17

Dh is an excellent team mate, prioritises dd and does his fair share around the house, he's generous, loving and kind. Don't get me wrong, he's been an utter dickhead during our decades together but the vast majority of the time he's been really supportive. We both agree big decisions, generally communicate well and give each other space and freedom to do what we want.

I encourage her to find someone who smudges her lipstick not her mascara and brings her joy.

Maybe this is the issue I’m fresh out of a dickhead period and it’s in mind a lot more

TBH it’s his only dickhead period in just over 10 years so he’s done well so far, but for me there have been maybe 2-3 incidents in the last year that for some reason I can’t really ‘get over’ even though they’re out of character for him.

OP posts:
HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 10/03/2024 09:35

Absolutely not.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:35

Patchworksack · 10/03/2024 08:12

How would your DD see into the future to know that her potential husband would struggle with new fatherhood?? If your DH was great for the first 10 years and is now working on whatever issues he’s had adjusting to being a father he sounds like one of the good ones.
Nobody is perfect and no marriage is without issues.

Oh definitely! It’s a theoretical in general since let’s be honest what adult child listens to their parents anyway when it comes to love!

Would still like to have a crystal ball though to see

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 10/03/2024 09:33

I guess in a rose tinted way, you hope your daughter would marry someone with no discernible faults whatsoever. I can think of certain aspects of DH's personality that I would not wish anyone to have to deal with.
My DH and my Dad have quite a few personality traits in common. Weird to think of really. Dad died when I was a kid so it's not like he conciously influenced my choice of man. Not in looks or anything like that though. lol.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 09:28

But being married give you entitlement to the marital home and money. This is even more important if you have kids as most likely as the mum, you’ll sacrifice your earnings. I’d advise my daughters to only have kids once married

Of course if you don’t work or are the lower earner. But who lives like that nowadays?

If you bring the money to the table marriage is a huge trap which just leaches your money away.

It’s a good idea if you’re not planning to work but then who would set themselves up to not work in the first place? It’s an anachronism really these days unless you want to have a very traditional setup. Which I wouldn’t want for any DD of mine anyway.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/03/2024 09:13

RampantIvy · 10/03/2024 08:12

Same here.

Show quote history

Me too.
But I could have had no idea what sort of father he’d be when I married him! TBH he didn’t show much interest when I was initially pregnant with dd1, which did upset me a bit.
But he’s always been a fantastic dad to dds - and now a lovely grandpa, too.

SanFranBear · 10/03/2024 09:11

Her actual dad... fuck no! He's turned out not to be remotely the man I thought he was for 11 years. As a pp said, you don't know how they might turn out - there's a reason you marry them after all!

My current partner... he's the polar opposite in many ways (and all for the better!) but we've only been together 18 months so still being swept off my feet.

DD is Bi anyway so not necessarily going to end up with a man - so obviously if she could marry a woman who is half the woman I am, she'll be a lucky one 😉

IndignantIguana · 10/03/2024 09:05

Definitely, but my husband isn't the biological father of some of my children. I would tell them all never to marry someone like their biological father, he's very nasty.

puzzledout · 10/03/2024 09:04

TokyoSushi · 10/03/2024 08:11

Absolutely one million % yes!

Yes from me!

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

bibbidiblobidyboo · 10/03/2024 08:54

I actively looked for someone as kind, reliable and thoughtful as my grandfather and not a flash Harry like my dad.
I would hope that my girls find someone like their dad. I think they know how lucky we are with him though. They see friends with awful
Dads and know that their dad would never ever behave like that.

louise5754 · 10/03/2024 08:54

And not like my dad either

louise5754 · 10/03/2024 08:52

No definitely not

Dacadactyl · 10/03/2024 08:51

Yes I would be happy if DD married a man like her dad.

He goes above and beyond for us all and always has done. We come first, no matter what.

But OP, your child is very small still and in a testing stage. He may well improve as she gets older.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 10/03/2024 08:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn at author's request

Yirk · 10/03/2024 08:48

No way!! I'm lucky she choose a good husband.

RandomMess · 10/03/2024 08:47

100% no as he is so emotionally unavailable. Alas I know it's highly likely they will due to our subconscious bias to choose someone like our opposite sex parent.