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Original poster

Would you want your DDs to marry someone like your DH?

137 replies

Anglophone · 10/03/2024 08:04

I love DH to bits but since have DD (14 months) he - like many it seems on here - has shown a shit side. I know that first year or so of having children is full of stress, over tiredness etc. but there have been a few occasions where honestly, he has lost every inch of respect he has gained as a pretty amazing husband over the last 10 years.

We have thankfully resolved most of these issues and he is being infinitely better with DD and with me. Although in the back of my mind I still resent the period where he wasn’t a supportive husband and the times he wasn’t the best father.

It got me thinking, honestly, deep down I’d never tell DD to marry someone like DH. I want better for her. The best in fact.

I am wondering if other women feel the same, not being super ‘unhappy’ with their husbands and definitely not unhappy enough to leave but wouldn’t want their daughters (or sons!) to marry someone like them in an ideal world.

OP posts:
RiderofRohan · 10/03/2024 18:13

Yes. Though I often wonder how I got this lucky and worry she won't find one like him.

theduchessofspork · 10/03/2024 18:11

Yes

We’ve had our moments but he’s a good model for a partner who takes 50% of the load

whenindoubtgotothelibrary · 10/03/2024 18:09

Yes, I would. DH has always been gentle, kind, patient, funny and loyal, as well as being intelligent, hard working, ambitious and successful. He's also very even-tempered, which matters hugely to me as I grew up in a volatile household. Giving birth does change your relationship and it felt a bit more 'functional' when the dc were very tiny, but in 25 years I have never for a moment doubted my choice. I would love dd to end up with someone with the same qualities as him. (He's absolutely crap at DIY and doesn't have a practical bone in his body though!)

101dalmatians · 10/03/2024 17:58

I don’t have daughters, but I would be so proud of my sons grew up to be as brilliant a partner/husband as their dad is. He contributes equally to the household (in terms of chores etc) and supports me endlessly. He shows our ds everyday how men should treat women and I hope they grow up to do the same (if they choose to marry a woman).

ehb102 · 10/03/2024 17:55

I think my girl would need someone with a different personality type, but otherwise absolutely I'd love her to find someone as good as her father.

ClutchingOurBananas · 10/03/2024 11:35

I don’t have daughters and we are divorcing … so that would definitely be a no to the hypothetical situation. I wouldn’t want my sons to marry someone like my husband either.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/03/2024 11:33

I don’t have any daughters, so difficult to say, I suppose.

But based on what I currently know, feel etc.? Yes, I think I absolutely would.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 11:18

Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 10:01

They’re not great and on each occasion you’d be right to be annoyed.

id just like to think my relationship was ok enough for me to get things wrong sometimes, or for my partner to do the same, without worrying that the last 10 years counted for nothing.

Oh definitely, give it a year or so and I’ll most likely not remember most of them! I think the issue is he went from such an amazing husband to, in my view, a really shit one in a short space of time so it noticed more!

OP posts:
Teajenny7 · 10/03/2024 10:49

I would be delighted if my children married or had a DH like their father.
He is intelligent, kind,calm, empathetic, sociable and hardworking.
I made good a choice and we have grown together. We talk and make a good partnership.

After giving birth there are big adjustments emotionally and physically for both parents. Give him time.

Magicpaintbrush · 10/03/2024 10:45

My DH has lots of lovely qualities and can be very thoughtful, funny and helpful - but it was only after DD was born that some of his less appealing personality qualities became apparent. Up to that point he'd never been anything but lovely so I had no way of knowing, and we were 5 years in by then. We are together still, and get on very well and love each other, but we've weathered some absolute shit storms to get here, including him cheating on me. So although it feels like we've reached a happy place of mutual respect and love now, would I put myself through it all again if I could turn back the clock? I don't know. And would I tell DD to marry somebody like him? Probably not, but she is much more switched on than I was at her age and she's already cottoned on to his ways (impatient, highly strung etc), so I'm hoping she will pick wisely. No human on earth is perfect, I know I'm not either.

fightingthedogforadonut · 10/03/2024 10:35

Yes absolutely. He's funny, warm, has integrity up to the eyeballs and works hard.

Tagyoureit · 10/03/2024 10:30

Most definitely!

Dontcallmescarface · 10/03/2024 10:22

Nope. I'd rather she married someone like her Granddad than her dad.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/03/2024 10:16

I'd love if my DS or DD married a man like my DH. He's trustworthy, caring, kind funny, hard working and loves looking after us. He's not their father but is the reliable man who will help them in life, as their father is extremely selfish and emotionally immature. The experiences with ex H are what makes me realise what matters in life.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 10/03/2024 10:16

Yes definitely
my DD and DP (her Dad) are really close and have a very similar really annoying sense of humour.

Tintackedsea · 10/03/2024 10:15

Definitely. He's the biz.

I see similarities between Dh and my dad. They're both very practical, easy going (albeit stubborn) and excellent with kids. Both socially responsible and community minded. Outdoorsy and quite happy in their own company. Very hardworking. My dad can be very selfish though and is utterly entrenched in his ways. He had quite a traumatic childhood in many ways and I think that shows. My husband is much more affectionate and emotionally intelligent. I think part of that is generational and part is to do with the type of relationship Dh and I have built together.

PansyOatZebra · 10/03/2024 10:12

Yes 100% my husband is kind, calm and loving. Of course I’d want my daughter to marry someone with similar traits.

Whatafustercluck · 10/03/2024 10:11

Yes and no. And that's not to say he's not a great husband and father (he absolutely is) but life with him is not easy. He has adhd, so his moods can be very up and down and there are a lot of frustrations in a household where three people are ND (dd and ds have both inherited it). I mean, everyone has ups and downs, obviously, but it takes a huge amount of patience.

But he's funny, loving, thoughtful, hardworking (both at work and at home) and always puts me and the kids first. So our children could do much worse than marrying someone like that.

Smartiepants79 · 10/03/2024 10:10

Yes, there are small things that would make him easier to live with - snoring for one! But he is a good man. Loving and supportive and generous. He has shown himself to be the best kind of father and was the best he could be through difficult early months and years.
They couldn’t do better than someone like him.

caringcarer · 10/03/2024 10:08

My DD married a lovely kind reliable man who's a great father and husband. Thankfully he's nothing like her biological father but very like her StepDad.

Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 10:01

They’re not great and on each occasion you’d be right to be annoyed.

id just like to think my relationship was ok enough for me to get things wrong sometimes, or for my partner to do the same, without worrying that the last 10 years counted for nothing.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:56

Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 09:40

I think without knowing what the “few occasions” were it feels very harsh to lose 10 years of respect for a partner so quickly.

the few occasions were -
I do all the nights (she is breast fed, well was!) and one morning after 20 consecutive bad nights I asked for him to do the last morning wake (as she usually didn’t ‘need’ a feed for that one!) and let me lie in (so do the 5am - 8am slot) until 8.

I slept in the spare bed after my last ‘shift’ and had an alarm set for 8. The alarm went off and he came in and said ‘you never guess what she only woke up 10 mins ago’ so I then said ‘ah in that case I’d like to get maybe another 30 mins as I’m still knackered’ all i got was him being annoyed about it and huffing to DD ‘looks like mummy doesn’t want to spend time with you then’

The next week he came home from work and ‘needed a nap’ so went for a 30 min Power Nap, i went to wake him up (as i was a bit fed up having DD all day anyway) and he announce he was still tired and needed an extra hour.

To this day doesn’t see the hypocrisy of that incident. And there have been more daddy naps than mummy naps since she has been born…despite one of us definitely being more deserving of them. For example I have no doubt today he will nap whilst she contact naps on me this afternoon to make up for waking up with her at 07:00.

I asked for a lie in last Mother’s Day… apparently a lie in is now 06:30 because she had been up since 5.

We paid for a private room for my c section recovery so he could stay the first night after she was born, and because he was tired he went home. Despite me wanting him to stay. I know it’s not his ‘fault’ but I was ignored during the night and had to stand before I was advised to because midwives didn’t respond to my buzzer after 3 hours and DD was distressed over the other side of the room. It led to complications in my recovery and I do know if he was there I’d not have gone through that.

Those are the ‘big’ ones. I know some are petty but they’ve really stuck with me and I can’t seem to get over them so…

OP posts:
TammyJones · 10/03/2024 09:55

Absolutely 💯
He was much better than me.
Took a crying better a calmed him in minutes
Brilliant dad.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 09:52

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

But, and I mean this with all kindness, given she’s been in an abusive relationship why wouldn’t you want her to run a mile from them all?

Enko · 10/03/2024 09:51

Dd1 is getting married next year and she is marrying a dude so similar to her father. I've been married to him for 28 years and yes at times he annoys me and irritates me but overall he is a good man.

Dd1s fiance is a good guy too and I think they will be happy.

So for dd1 I have no issue. Dd2 would end up unhappy with a man who wasn't as interested in her creative side. Dd3 I doubt she will.ever marry but if she did she would do ok with a guy like her father.