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Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
SamW98 · 09/03/2024 13:22

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:50

The funny thing is…

3 years single without a relationship/FWB/ONS involves being with another person

One can have sex with oneself and it can be much better than be with somebody you don’t fancy

Being single for 3 years does not automatically mean I’m asexual or low sex drive or whatever

Maybe he was wondering about mastubartion

But the main issue was the question being asked within 1 hour of meeting me - there was not enough rapport for me and it didn’t feel natural - it showed me he is not the kind of man I’d like to know more but also pretty rude - c’mon now, he is in his late 40s and divorced - two teen daughters?

I walked out and said nothing because I was so gobsmacked I literally had no words

Dating is supposed to be fun, if he knew how to conduct himself I could have even given him the info freely out of my own choice later down the line maybe.

100% agree OP. The assumption that being single and not having ONS or hook ups means you don’t have interest in sex is ridiculous.

Ive been single 4 years. I miss sex like mad at times and if I met someone that I felt that connection with I would be absolutely wanting sex non stop with them but I have to have that connection and I’ve not found anyone I felt that spark with in that time.

I sometimes wish I could be someone who had no strings sex but I’m not that person and never will be. So unless I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with, I’ll be staying celibate sadly.

I’ve had men ask me how long since I had sex and my answer is always ‘I’ve been single x years’ - that’s all I’m saying to them. If they push it, I’m done so I totally get you walking out.

I’ve had too many men say that there must be something wrong with me being long term single - no I just have my boundaries and standards that I won’t compromise on.

Astrabees · 09/03/2024 13:14

I think he had a lucky escape! If you are that touchy about the question it would indicate you are hard work as a partner. If a man said to me that they had not had sex for 3 years I would be concerned they were not interested in it and I might not want to see them again. It was a date FFS not a job interview. YABVVU

BringMeTea · 09/03/2024 13:10

Well done for going with your instincts. I would be unimpressed too. Creepy fucker. Agree with pp that some women on this thread need to raise their standards. Men who are trying to impress you (as they should be on a first date ffs) wouldn't do this. Men worth keeping around wouldn't do this. You have not missed out OP.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 13:08

If a professional, late 40s, divorced man with 2 teen girls is so nervous after 1 hour on the date and drinking on his second alcoholic drink that he can’t control the words that comes out of his mouth then he is not for me - if this was over text I’d assume he was an incell in his parent’s basement.

Thank God we were in a very busy and public place

If we were remote and alone somewhere perhaps I’d have to be a bit more ‘tactful’ and employ some fake coy skills until I got somewhere safe

Remember the thread the other day when a strange man offered a woman some flowers and because she did not accept he dished out abuse?

I’m not comparing the two situations but I totally understand how women have been conditioned to be nice and not hurt men’s feelings - it is unconcious for so many.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 09/03/2024 13:02

I think it was probably a last straw type thing psycholgically.
I once dumped a boyfriend because he didn't say goodbye to my mum. It wasn't that but a whole load of other things before - and it was suddenly crystal clear that there was no point going on.
So it sounds a very healthy reaction to me.

Frances0911 · 09/03/2024 13:00

Way too personal on a first date, and not worded well at all. He doesn't sound like a gentleman and would have really turned me off.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2024 12:59

I mean if there had been nothing else to be aware of in the previous hour I'd have laughed it off and told him it was none of his business. Seems more likely he asked it without thinking out of suprise rather than he thought he deserved to know the intimacies of your bedroom in explicit detail

Sureaseggs44 · 09/03/2024 12:58

As a woman on a date I don’t think you would ever ask that question of a man within an hour of meeting them and that says a lot.

why should we put up with questions that make us feel uncomfortable ?

I might have said thanks for the drink but your personal question has made me feel uncomfortable . Bye 👋

Kissmystarfish · 09/03/2024 12:56

It’s defo ick!

but I couldn’t of walked out. But kudos for doing that!

DagenhamDanny · 09/03/2024 12:51

There's not a single chance I would ask this question on a first date, it sounds very creepy and crosses a boundary as far as I'm concerned. Personally, I think you did the right thing, OP.

dawdlingtuesday · 09/03/2024 12:51

It seems like a stupid question to blurt out but if the date was otherwise ok, I'd have stuck it out longer. He might have been nervously gabbling and thinking before speaking. Or if it really did give you the creeps, it would have been polite to have said 'I'm not comfortable with that question so I'm going to call it a night'. Just grabbing stuff and walking out seems a bit OTT.

Just my view! But good on you either way for being clear about your boundaries.

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:47

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:46

So you would respond with: "none of your business" to a guy who asked you about your masturbation habits on a first date and continue entertaining him? Wow. I believe you need to get some solid boundaries before you continue dating, you don't want to end on the news headlines or the next channel 4 documentary.

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Wtaf? 😂😂😂

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:46

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:18

Huh? As said earlier I’d have responded with none of your business. Please pose your Pervy questions elsewhere.

Show quote history

So you would respond with: "none of your business" to a guy who asked you about your masturbation habits on a first date and continue entertaining him? Wow. I believe you need to get some solid boundaries before you continue dating, you don't want to end on the news headlines or the next channel 4 documentary.

SheepAndSword · 09/03/2024 12:43

@SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt it's not 'shit flirting', it's voyeuristic and boundary pushing.

Getitgirl · 09/03/2024 12:42

You’re my hero, OP. Brava xxx

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:41

Cantara · 09/03/2024 12:14

Going from the first post, he pried to find out if OP meant single and abstinent, or whether that meant she'd had any one night stands, etc.

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Again, a first date asking how many times 'you got laid in the last 3 years' is incredibly intrusive and he sounds like a creep. If a man on a first date told me he had been single 3 years I would get the message and move forward with the conversation, I would never dare to ask him: "but how 'single' exactly were you? did that included one night stands? have you gotten laid in 3 years?". The man would be rightly so to stand up and walk out thinking I'm a little creep.

SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt · 09/03/2024 12:38

By all means leave a date when you want, for whatever reason you want.

But very dramatic flouncing on your part. I’m not sure you should be dating if some shit flirting triggers you this quickly. Bit weird.

Agentdanascullyx · 09/03/2024 12:38

Good on you op, I wish I’d had the bottle to do this. Few years ago I meet a man as soon as I walked in he grabbed me, trying to kiss me. I stupidly stuck it out for an hour before I had the guts to tell him it was too much and walk out

SheepAndSword · 09/03/2024 12:23

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:17

Sure you would.

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I said something along those lines - it wasn't even a date, we met on a common interest group. He kept turning the conversation around to relationships (don't mind that), then sex (do mind that) so I was sweary then blocked him.

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:18

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:17

Do you really discuss your masturbation habits on first dates? 🤔

(I guess the dating world has changed a lot since I deleted the app 🤣)

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Huh? As said earlier I’d have responded with none of your business. Please pose your Pervy questions elsewhere.

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:17

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:13

I would have told him to “fuck off” before walking out.

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Sure you would.

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:17

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:13

Wow. How unusual in terms of not understanding social etiquette. Do you often do things people think are off? Like highly sensitive and react poorly?

or do you have deep shame surrounding masterbation and his question panicked you, you didn’t know how to answer, so just left?

Show quote history

Do you really discuss your masturbation habits on first dates? 🤔

(I guess the dating world has changed a lot since I deleted the app 🤣)

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 12:16

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:13

I would have told him to “fuck off” before walking out.

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Ah
Maybe that is what I’m missing 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Thank you!

OP posts:
Lampslights · 09/03/2024 12:15

Cantara · 09/03/2024 12:12

The assumptions about OP here are horrible. Her happy past relationships are in her head, she must be miserable, she must have past trauma... or, maybe her boundaries stop at questions which only have one obvious answer and she didn't feel the need to sit through a date just to be polite? We've seen that some people would happily talk about their sex toys or pretend to laugh about it, fine, I (and many others) also wouldn't want to tell a stranger anything this personal. I don't know how I'd react as been with DP many years now, but I think OP's reaction was just fine. Why assassinate her character in defence of a random man who probably just felt surprised when she didn't put up with it and likely went to ask the next woman, hoping she'd stick around?

What? Why would he ask the next woman. The question only arose as she was telling him she hadn’t had a single date in 3 years.

Cantara · 09/03/2024 12:14

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 12:09

I’ve done OLD for years and been on many dates, “what do you do for sex?” Is an incredibly intrusive question, very innapropiate for a first date. However… if you told the guy you haven’t had sex in 3 years (I dunno if you did tell him or not), that would be way too much information, so it’s a massive 🚩🚩🚩. Sounds like there were red flags on both camps.

Going from the first post, he pried to find out if OP meant single and abstinent, or whether that meant she'd had any one night stands, etc.