my attitude on this 1st date?

I'm a bloke and I have been on first dates where, randomly out of the blue, overtly sexual questions have been asked by the woman sat across the table. These have ranged from asking me when I last had sex through to a drink spluttering 'do you like anal'.

I've had similar - it turned out he didn't believe me

No, I don't think asking about his sexual history = she wants to murder him. If you look at the statistics it's always the other way round: it's men the ones who murder us.

If you felt surprised and concerned your date hasn't had sex in three years and would like to know that 'early on' (like a first date) I would suggest including other questions that are AS important, the sort of stuff we would ALL like to know early on before going on a second date. I've created the following questionnaire for you to bring to your next Tinder date (feel free to print it out) :

• What blood group are you? (I intend to have children so need to know if our blood groups are compatible before going on a second date).
• Why are you divorced? Did you cheated on her?
• Any debts?
• Any addictions?
• What's your relationship with your mother like?
• I'm pretty vanilla in my sex life so any kinks out of the norm that will freak me out?
• What political party did you voted for?

I must admit OP as much as I think his question was out of line for first date, I think I’d have responded by telling him it was none of his business right now and changing the subject. His reaction would have told me if it was worth continuing or not

If he accepted that and the conversation was steered away from sex then I’d have given him another chance. However if he tried to bring the subject back up, I’d have probably then told him that the date wasn’t going to continue.

It would depend on my intentions - I have a relatively high sex drive and that would probably turn me on! But if you don’t want the convo in that direction then fair enough

You mention that an apology wouldn't make a difference because for you it's about the mismatch. I think its fair enough to decide at that moment that the fact he could ask you that makes you incompatible (i would too to be fair). But if, like you say, its about mismatch rather than him revealing himself to be a creep by asking, then I do find it rude to just walk out.

Did he specifically ask if you had had any one night stands over the 3 years or did you volunteer that information when discussing being single?

If he asked that and then followed up with asking what you did for sex, then I’d definitely think he was being suggestive. Whether that topic of conversation was then something you’d enjoy or not is down to the individual. I’d say it’s a bit of a risk on a first date and not something I’d be a fan of in your shoes.

If you just volunteered that you’d not had any ONS while discussing relationships, I’d say you were the one who brought sex up so you were unreasonable to react so strongly to him continuing that line of conversation. A ONS is just about sex, it’s not dating or a relationship, so bringing them up does suggest sex is a topic you’d be open to discussing.

Ultimately there’s no point continuing spending time on a date if you think it’s going nowhere. No apology at all is required, but letting people know that you’re leaving would seem reasonable to me. Not because he is a man and somehow entitled to your time, but because he’s a person too.

All rather bizarre. Is this a general pattern of behaviour - eg walking out with no words when someone says something you don’t like (outside of, say, hate speech)?

Sex is very important to me in a relationship and a ive always had a higher sex drive than my partners (though only ever had 4 LTR’s in my life) so I never I’m a million years thought I’d be in the position I am now but life happens.
Maybe my point is that someone shouldn’t be written off for choosing not to be interested in casual sex.

I would always want to talk and understand the whole person and know more about them and their life choices before sex becomes a topic. Personally, I’d be like the OP and shut down anyone turning the chat sexual straightaway. Get to know who I am first rather than see me as a potential hook up. I make it clear I’m not into ONS before we ever start chatting (it’s in my profile) but for some reason many men see themselves as being the one who should be the exception to that rule.

Are you by any chance ND op?

I think he simply thought aloud. If I had been having the same conversation, whether on a date, with friends or colleagues it is exactly what I would have thought too, I may not have actually said it though!

Walking out was huge over reaction in my view, but you’ve got to do what is right for you and realistically it was right for you because you have been single etc, if you have male friends and colleagues that may have softened it a bit for you but if not then that’s simply the case for you in your life right now and nothing wrong with that. I would have perhaps explained that to him though before blocking him, as I don’t think he was necessarily wrong for saying it but he did misjudge it.

Sex is important to me and I can’t fathom a world where I wouldn’t have sex for three years, that’s all. I’d certainly want to find out more about it if my date was in that position - particularly because I would most likely be looking to have sex relatively early in the relationship, and I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who didn’t believe in sex before marriage (as an example) and I also wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who had frequent one night stands.

Whenever I’ve been dating in the past; sex has come up in conversation fairly early on, even in relationships where we didn’t actually get sexual. I’d also want someone who felt comfortable speaking about sex; I do not think that makes me a potential murderer as was mentioned earlier.

I think it’s clear to see why you’ve been single for so long

Though it’s the assumption that because someone hadn’t had numerous ONS that they’re not interested in sex that I’m referring to as strange imo.

If a guy told me he’s been single for a few years and hadn’t been shagging around, I’d see that as a positive thing.

In the same 4 years I’ve been single, my friend has had about 30 ONS - I know there’s a middle ground between the two but personally I would find a man who had done the same far more off putting than one who had been long term single and not into casual sex.

Not really anything to do with being 'conditioned to be nice and not hurt men's feelings', I genuinely couldn't be so rude regardless of whether a man or a woman. For me, life is too short to be so unforgiving, especially for something that very well might have been blurted out in nervousness.

But hey, go you, you strong, independent woman that you are 👏 You're happy with yourself, and your actions, and arguing back with anyone and anything that disagrees with you. Lucky escape for one of you, that's for sure.

If a man walked out on a date because someone asked him a clunky and rather crass question, I would think he was a bit over dramatic.

And it’s completely okay to be on a different page. Best to find out early so you can both move on separately.

No need to be rude just because your communication style or sexual history are not aligning.

Oh come on. Not everyone who is curious about sex is a murderer. If I was to be dating now; I’d be very surprised and concerned if my date hadn’t had sex in three years. I’d want to know that early on; because we would be likely to be not compatible.
If she asked him about his sexual history, would you be stating that she was going to murder him? No.

And sometimes it’s that we haven’t met anyone that we want to have sex with despite going on dates etc.
Many people aren’t intentionally celibate they just haven’t met anyone who sets off the right spark. With the right person, I’m very very sexual indeed but I’d rather pleasure myself than have sex for the sake of a shag.

I never in a million years imagined being long term single but ONS or hook ups have never appealed to me. So for someone to write off anyone as not being interested in sex just because they’re not into casual shows to me that they’re on a different page to me and the OP.

There’s many reasons why a woman is unable to have sex for 3 years: sexual PTSD, trauma of some sort, medical (OBGYN surgeries), she could have been trafficked or come out of an abusive marriage where she needed the emotional healing that doesn’t involve shagging random men on the net. Maybe sex is something that she associates with love so not interested in random shags that leave her feeling empty . If the guy you’re meeting on that first date is unable to get pass this because he’s just looking for a “hole” you may want to raise your bar a little bit and find someone who sees you as a person, not as a “hole”. I agree with you: bullet dodged on both sides.

I think that if you found it wrong, then it's wrong, and you were clearly right to end the date. You're different people and it's both your right to do think that and the correct call to make.

However, I don't think what he said was awful, or wrong, it was just wrong for you. In my younger days, I'd have been on dates or just talking to women, and relatively quickly the conversation may have turned to sex, instigated by a woman as much as me. Not because either of us were bad people, creepy, expectant, or demanding, but just different people to yourself and people who feel the same, and that's ok.

I don't think you not saying goodbye or explaining yourself, was anymore wrong than his question.

People have different opinions and preferences, neither are wrong.

Usually a man shows his sleazy side at the messaging stage. It comes out earlier than when you actually meet.
So it could have just been a genuine question, adult to adult!
Telling him it was inappropriate, fine.
But walking straight out is a bit odd and over the top.

I did exactly the same on a first date when the guy told me he had been in prison for 2 years for fraud (granted it was 20 plus years ago), I would never have agreed to even meet him if I had known that in the first place

He was being a dirty dog - well done for leaving.

I doubt he actually wanted a run down of how the OP meets her sexual needs. He was probably trying to engage the OP in a bit of flirty chit chat after not picking up on the vibe correctly. He misread things and got shot down in flames. He was probably horrified by how badly it went.