my attitude on this 1st date?

I became single again in my 40's and I was far more horny and driven by sexual compatibility than in my 20's.

I had bad sex for 22 years, I will never endure that again.

I know what I like and sexual compatibility is important.

I don't think being older changes anything.
I used to talk about sex on a first date because I'm not wasting my time or their time if we're not a match. I also think being older means I'm much more confident to discuss those things.

I don't think OP was wrong to be uncomfortable, but hearing a potential partner hasn't had sex for 3 years might be a red flag for him.

I would be surprised if someone said that to me, and likely have follow up questions.

Not sure that makes me creepy.

Excellent summary @Toobluntt.

I mean, you obviously feel you were reasonable and are comfortable with your behaviour and reaction, so I am genuinely confused with you asking here, given you've stated it won't impact you any way? Why are you giving it headspace when you're never going to speak to him again, and you're not interested? Your behaviour, as much as his, is done now, and you've blocked him..

That said, you did ask, so. I think you were well OTT and to be honest, rude. I understand you found his question rude (and I can totally understand why - if you're dating with a view to relationships, sex coming up in the first hour would be off-putting IMO, I fully agree), but you don't always need to respond to a faux pas with rudeness.

A simple 'I don't feel comfortable with that question, and it tells me we're incompatible, so I'm just gonna head home' or something akin, would have sufficed. The immediately getting up, grabbing your stuff & leaving without a word, regardless of how calmly you think you executed it, was done for dramatic impact. I'm reading this imagining witnessing it, and I honestly cringed, more so at your reaction than to his question to be honest.

As a woman, I really couldn't be arsed dealing with a woman who chooses to communicate this way, and I'd feel like I'd dodged a bullet. Never encountered someone in real life that huffs like that (who isn't around age 8).

Not acting like a petulant child in response to something you heard that you didn't like, doesn't equal lowering your standards to accept behaviour you don't like, nor siting through a date out of politeness. There is middle ground whilst still holding your boundaries strongly.

I don't think he should have asked. I can see why he did. Some people are open and will talk about anything (my kind of people), some don't. You don't know this really until you get talking to someone.

It appears, in my opinion, you've a strong desire to come across as super high standards and not tolerating anything you don't like. Sadly I think the impact you actually had was flouncy, hard work and infantile. I don't think you came across well either. Incompatible, both dodged a bullet.

Yes we women are so violent LOL.

Of course you’d be going around assaulting people

Sometimes people do believe their own BS on here

One of the points of dating is to learn about each other's boundaries and limits. I wouldn't have taken his question as a sign of incompatibility, but rather the opportunity to express my boundaries. "That question is too personal. I'd rather not discuss it." Then how he responded to that would indicate what kind of person he is.

But what you did is fine if you'd rather wait for someone who in the first hour of meeting is very clearly exactly what you are looking for.

My friend went on a date and at the end of the evening, the bloke asked her to come into his car which was right at back of car park so he could (and I quote) unleash the beast. When she refused he starting shouting at her that he wished he hadn’t paid for her dinner because she’s a fucking frigid bitch who lead him on and prefers a cup of tea to sex like a typical fucking woman.

This was a man in his 50’s who up to that point she actually liked and would have dated again.

Honestly, we just don’t know. OP hasn’t said he was being lecherous or pervy. She’s also said that during their week of chatting there’s been no impropriety or sexual flirting. So it seems unlikely that he’s suddenly launched into full-on creep mode.

This comment shows a stunning lack of common sense. The first in person meeting, second drink, with all the social expectations that press on women to grin and bear social discomfort is EXACTLY when you would expect the start of the push to overwhelm boundaries. Any earlier and the date never happens, any later and he might (gasp) have wasted his time not getting sex.

Yes—anyone else see the thread yesterday from the woman who was gently accosted by a man outside a store? He “kindly” offered to buy her flowers in honor of International Women’s Day snd when she politely refused he began hurling abuse at her. “frigid bitch” IIRC.

Im sure Im not the only woman who has had seemingly ordinary interactions derailed into abuse once the man isn’t getting what he wants from the interaction.

I can see that the people who'd act the same way as OP are certainly v. emotionally stable... geez

First date is when both parties should be trying to show their best side, by drssing and grooming themselves nicely, by behaving politely, be interested in the other person, etc etc

If a date asked me about my masturbation/fwb etc in the first hour of the first date (assuming the convo wasn’t heading that way already) I’d have creeper vibes too.

Young me would have giggled at the comment and allowed him to speak/behave inappropriately to me. Current me may have walked out or worse yelled at him asking him who the fuck he thought he was to say that to me and depending on his response I may have thrown my drink in his face. A smirk or defending it for sure would infuriate me.

So OP isn’t alone in her reaction in fact she was fairly restrained imo.

Yes, and any woman who says they have or would do the same is called a liar and laughed at. It's awful to read, women tearing down other women for having their own boundaries.
I am being genuine when I say if others are happy to detail what they do in private (which is really the only answer apart from "mind your own business") on a first date, fine. However, I imagine many wouldn't and lots of women wouldn't be comfortable with such prying (asking OP to confirm if she had any one night stands, etc.). It's not surprising or unbelievable that many of us would walk out and not tolerate it.

I wouldn’t see it as a rude question.

I would actually like to know more about the specifics of how it was asked as OP didn’t provide this information.

Did he blurt it out? (Clumsy comment because he was genuinely surprised that anyone would go that long)

Was he wondering if OP has a low sex drive and was wondering about compatibility? (not unreasonable to mention sex as they were discussing relationships)

Did he think he was being funny? (Ill judged humour maybe due to first date nerves?)

Was he trying to flirt?

Was he being lecherous?

Was he expecting sex after the date?

Honestly, we just don’t know. OP hasn’t said he was being lecherous or pervy. She’s also said that during their week of chatting there’s been no impropriety or sexual flirting. So it seems unlikely that he’s suddenly launched into full-on creep mode.

I wouldn’t have minded the question but I appreciate why OP didn’t like it.

I don’t think either the bloke or OP got things quite right here.I also suspect they wouldn’t have been compatible so probably no loss on either side tbh.

You don’t know what negging means do you

We don’t know the tone of voice he used. The questioning was intrusive and could have felt like negging. Op did the right thing for her. I don’t think that should be belittled especially as she is widowed.

I do actually take your point here. But I still think there’s a way to briefly say goodbye without openings things up to this possibility.

OP managed to “calmly and coolly collect” her coat and bag so I think she could have done that and as she stood up could have just said “I’m not comfortable with what you just asked me so I’m leaving.” - and then turned on her heel and gone.

He’s watched her gather her coat and bag and stand up without creating a scene so I do think OP could have briefly said goodbye as she left. It didn’t need to be a full-on conversation, just a one-liner would have sufficed.

I think if OP had described any feelings of feeling unsafe that would be different. But she was just thoroughly irritated and couldn’t be bothered wasting her breath on good manners (she’s been very clear on this point). I really do think that’s unbelievably shitty.

I mean yeah, maybe she should have said something. But we don't always get it 100% right. Walking out without a word is a bit rude, but no where near as rude as asking someone you've met, who has told you they've not dated in three years and their husband died, "what do you do for sex?" as if not having sex is unthinkable and as if it's any of his business.

What response did he expect as a normal reply to that line of questioning "I have (specific model) of vibrator"? I guess maybe something like "actually I only sex when I'm in an emotionally connected relationship with someone I trust" , but surely the answer to the other questions already made that clear. He asked her why she'd not had one night stands or dates and she'd already told him. So yes, the question is very very rude.

You need to re-read my post. I never said we should tiptoe around unpleasant men.

Myself and many other women on this thread don’t see the question about sex as something that automatically flags this man as a “creep”. Many women, including myself, wouldn’t especially mind the question on a date.

He’s not sat there openly slavering over her breasts or making lewd comments. That would be different.

He’s just asked an honest question that’s evolved naturally during the conversation that was clearly misjudged.

I don’t think that warrants rudeness. As I said before, if he’d been deliberately offensive then fine. But they were discussing relationships so I don’t think the subject of sex is unreasonable.

I think @tittybumbum is spot on. Good manners should be the very least we should all expect from each other.

OP doesn’t have to “walk on eggshells”. She’s more than capable of using her words to articulate the fact he’s made her feel uncomfortable so she’s leaving.

It’s really not very much to ask.

Because its vanishingly unlikely he would sit there in polite silence while she delivered that speech. More typically, he'd have interrupted, talked over her, told her she was a prude, he didn't fancy her anyway, other insults and possibly even become aggressive. Men can get very nasty when women criticise them, and it's not worth the risk just to be 'polite'. It is a shame things have come to this, but there's too many unpleasant men to circumvent without some collateral damage expected.

Sure, lets be polite with the creeps and walk on eggshells around them.

Saying I'm uncomfortable I'm leaving isn't apologising tho. Absolutely no need to apologise if someone's upset you so you're leaving. The suggested phrase actually works because it ISN'T an apology, it's a statement of fact

@SpidersAreShitheads

But some of the views here, especially from OP, that it’s “not her job” to worry about the feelings of a man are pretty fucking horrible. We should all give a shit about how we treat each other, that’s the premise of good manners, if nothing else. Being rude to someone else just because you can isn’t feminism.

I completely agree. How have we got to this point where people think once they are offended all bets are off and shutting goes.

Manners are but the same as pandering. One can be polite whilst firm in their stance. Giving no fucks about any one else's feeling is the down fall of society. In fact the people that inspired me the most are the ones who are able to retain their good grace whilst delivering a strong message.

You weren't over the top he needs to mind his own business

Absolutely.

I would describe myself as a very active and engaged feminist.

It absolutely enrages me when feminism is used to excuse awful behaviour by women. It affects all of us because it trivialises feminism and dilutes our arguments against inequity.

I completely agree that general societal expectations of women are to keep people happy, particularly men. And of course we should be challenging that.

But some of the views here, especially from OP, that it’s “not her job” to worry about the feelings of a man are pretty fucking horrible. We should all give a shit about how we treat each other, that’s the premise of good manners, if nothing else. Being rude to someone else just because you can isn’t feminism.

You shouldn’t compromise your own feelings and boundaries to keep a man happy, hence why the OP should have free licence to end any date, for any reason. But humiliating someone and being so rude just because he asked a question she didn’t like isn’t about asserting boundaries or refusing to please men. It’s just plain lack of manners.

How have we got to the point that it is seen as reasonable to just walk out. It's rude. What would be reasonable would be saying 'look, I don't appreciate that question. It feels inappropriate. It's made me feel uncomfortable so I'm going home now. Good evening'. And then leave.