Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 10/03/2024 18:57

Well done for making your point so succinctly and not going against your own instincts

Bluestarling · 10/03/2024 18:33

Grown man on date with grown woman mentions sex. A tad forward but really such a big deal ? 🤷

Ilovecleaning · 10/03/2024 17:57

He is one big icky twat. Stay away.

Inexpertjuggler · 10/03/2024 17:50

I’d have walked out too. Completely disrespectful and inappropriate. The answer is obvious- either I’m not fussed/ I masturbate a lot. Why force you to answer that? Yes sex may have been at the forefront of his mind, but there are stages to go through, and charging ahead is such a turn off anyway.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/03/2024 13:01

Josette77 · 09/03/2024 22:21

I became single again in my 40's and I was far more horny and driven by sexual compatibility than in my 20's.

I had bad sex for 22 years, I will never endure that again.

I know what I like and sexual compatibility is important.

I don't think being older changes anything.
I used to talk about sex on a first date because I'm not wasting my time or their time if we're not a match. I also think being older means I'm much more confident to discuss those things.

I don't think OP was wrong to be uncomfortable, but hearing a potential partner hasn't had sex for 3 years might be a red flag for him.

I would be surprised if someone said that to me, and likely have follow up questions.

Not sure that makes me creepy.

Show quote history

I agree we are all different. I wouldn’t have liked it , but to be fair I most likely wouldn’t have gone down the road of talking about my dating/relationship history with someone unless I was comfortable with them and where that convo could lead. I’m the opposite to you in that I had pretty good sex in my 20s/30s/40s and now I choose to have none (ever) lol.

Savethewalruses · 10/03/2024 08:48

SheepAndSword · 10/03/2024 08:32

It was too fast for OP, now he can go off and find someone who wants what he does.

A pity he didn't make that clear before they met!

I had quite a few guys tell me before we met (when we were setting up the date on the 'phone) that "I like to get into a sexual relationship quickly".

My response was to thank them for letting me know, because I now knew we didn't want the same thing. Then I wished them well in finding what they wanted and hung up.

SheepAndSword · 10/03/2024 08:32

It was too fast for OP, now he can go off and find someone who wants what he does.

Itsmeamandaberry · 10/03/2024 08:14

@Allofaflutter that's just not true. I slept with my DH on the first date and been together for 10 years. My ex before him the same but were together for 7 years.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/03/2024 07:30

Moonfishstar · 10/03/2024 07:15

Maybe he was fishing about when he could expect to get sex…. but there’s nothing intrinsically wrong in that. I would find such an approach crass, but that’s just my personal take.

Perhaps “flounce” isn’t the best word to describe what the OP did, but that doesn’t change the fact that simply getting up and walking out calmly without a word in mid conversation is frankly an unnecessarily rude response. She could have easily ended the date swiftly without doing this.

Show quote history

Quite!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/03/2024 07:29

GermaneGermer · 09/03/2024 22:24

Well ... despite announcing at the start that she was 'confident in her response, just wanted to hear others' opinions'... she flounced from here too!
😅

Edited
Show quote history

🤭

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/03/2024 07:28

Bluestarling · 09/03/2024 17:49

What were the rest of the red flags he was riddled with please ?

Show quote history

I think it wasn't a red flag but bunting 🤭🤭

maybe also that he was a man and this is Mumsnet

SheepAndSword · 10/03/2024 07:26

@Moonfishstar I'm not saying it was the best response, but it obviously affected OP a lot. This is why I don't date at present, I had a bad experience last relationship and wouldn't like it at all if a stranger brought up sex when I'd just met them.

OP has had a traumatic experience with being a widow. Some of us take it slow and others don't mind a bit of sex talk. But within an hour it should be chatting about your life/views surely?? There are an awful lot of sharkish men out there who try to steer the conversation around to physical

Moonfishstar · 10/03/2024 07:20

@Jom222

You sound unhinged.

Yes, men are statistically more violent than women, but that’s one area where women shouldn’t be trying to strive for equality with men!

Moonfishstar · 10/03/2024 07:15

SheepAndSword · 10/03/2024 06:01

@GermaneGermer actually read what OP has written: she said she walked off calmly. That is not a flounce.

And I don't think it was a faux pas or nerves on his part, he was fishing to see when he could get sex.

Maybe he was fishing about when he could expect to get sex…. but there’s nothing intrinsically wrong in that. I would find such an approach crass, but that’s just my personal take.

Perhaps “flounce” isn’t the best word to describe what the OP did, but that doesn’t change the fact that simply getting up and walking out calmly without a word in mid conversation is frankly an unnecessarily rude response. She could have easily ended the date swiftly without doing this.

SheepAndSword · 10/03/2024 06:01

@GermaneGermer actually read what OP has written: she said she walked off calmly. That is not a flounce.

And I don't think it was a faux pas or nerves on his part, he was fishing to see when he could get sex.

Garlicking · 10/03/2024 05:55

OP's cleared off, so I won't get an answer to this:

"been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing"

"OLD is fun and I have met a lot of interesting men and have had some very good dates so far"

Does "so far" mean 3 years ago, or does "no dates" actually mean several dates? Confused

TedMullins · 10/03/2024 05:21

Cantara · 09/03/2024 20:02

Yes, and any woman who says they have or would do the same is called a liar and laughed at. It's awful to read, women tearing down other women for having their own boundaries.
I am being genuine when I say if others are happy to detail what they do in private (which is really the only answer apart from "mind your own business") on a first date, fine. However, I imagine many wouldn't and lots of women wouldn't be comfortable with such prying (asking OP to confirm if she had any one night stands, etc.). It's not surprising or unbelievable that many of us would walk out and not tolerate it.

Show quote history

There’s nothing wrong with having a boundary - I completely agree enforcing boundaries is good and don’t think OP was wrong for deciding this was an incompatibility and ending the date (but I do think walking out without saying anything was OTT).

It is a matter of opinion though - I personally wouldn’t have felt aggrieved in any sense by such a question because I’m an incredibly open person and pretty much no topics are off limits to me, even within an hour of meeting someone. Especially on a date - when I was dating i really liked discussing deep and personal stuff, including sexual topics, early on because for me that’s how I like to get to know someone, and I also wanted someone as open as me.

I can absolutely imagine myself asking someone whether they’d had sex in three years if they said they’d been single that long (I’m a woman for avoidance of any confusion) and it wouldn’t even be me trying to get them in bed, just curiosity/nosiness. So I’m probably the opposite to OP in that someone who said they felt uncomfortable discussing that wouldn’t be compatible with me because I think in the context of a date it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and not even that personal.

So I don’t think OP is wrong for feeling as she did (even if it’s not how I’d feel) but I don’t think the guy did anything wrong either and I don’t think it’s indicative of him lacking social skills.

IamMala · 10/03/2024 04:51

I can't believe the hard time you're being given here... I wish more women, esp young women, behaved like this. We are always told to trust our gut feelings but if we act on them we often get told off... OP well done!

Moonfishstar · 09/03/2024 22:59

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:53

Most normal people don’t just drop everything and walk off when someone crosses a boundary though.

💯 this.

It's quite nauseating reading all the cheerleader posts here for rude over-reactionary behaviour rather than using one's words if a boundary was crossed & dealing with it in a normal fashion (which can include finishing the date, naturally).

Completely agree with your take @EarringsandLipstick

Having boundaries and sticking to them doesn’t mean being needlessly rude!

Josette77 · 09/03/2024 22:42

Allofaflutter · 09/03/2024 22:26

I think it was because he wanted sex not a relationship and was trying to suss out his chance for sex that night. Well done on leaving.

That's not necessarily true.

I've had three relationships since divorcing.

I slept with the first two on the first date. We went on to date for two years.

My partner and I slept together on the second date. I was definitely the instigator. He's my person and I will be with him hopefully for the rest to my life.

Toobluntt · 09/03/2024 22:36

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/03/2024 22:22

In fairness, screaming expletives at someone and throwing your drink in their face is a fairly violent response 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Agreed. The typical 'it's ok if a woman does it because a man dares to ask her a sexual question on a date', but if she had asked him and he'd responded like that, there would have been a call to police.

It's not acceptable. Regardless of your gender.

Allofaflutter · 09/03/2024 22:26

I think it was because he wanted sex not a relationship and was trying to suss out his chance for sex that night. Well done on leaving.

GermaneGermer · 09/03/2024 22:24

Toobluntt · 09/03/2024 22:17

I mean, you obviously feel you were reasonable and are comfortable with your behaviour and reaction, so I am genuinely confused with you asking here, given you've stated it won't impact you any way? Why are you giving it headspace when you're never going to speak to him again, and you're not interested? Your behaviour, as much as his, is done now, and you've blocked him..

That said, you did ask, so. I think you were well OTT and to be honest, rude. I understand you found his question rude (and I can totally understand why - if you're dating with a view to relationships, sex coming up in the first hour would be off-putting IMO, I fully agree), but you don't always need to respond to a faux pas with rudeness.

A simple 'I don't feel comfortable with that question, and it tells me we're incompatible, so I'm just gonna head home' or something akin, would have sufficed. The immediately getting up, grabbing your stuff & leaving without a word, regardless of how calmly you think you executed it, was done for dramatic impact. I'm reading this imagining witnessing it, and I honestly cringed, more so at your reaction than to his question to be honest.

As a woman, I really couldn't be arsed dealing with a woman who chooses to communicate this way, and I'd feel like I'd dodged a bullet. Never encountered someone in real life that huffs like that (who isn't around age 8).

Not acting like a petulant child in response to something you heard that you didn't like, doesn't equal lowering your standards to accept behaviour you don't like, nor siting through a date out of politeness. There is middle ground whilst still holding your boundaries strongly.

I don't think he should have asked. I can see why he did. Some people are open and will talk about anything (my kind of people), some don't. You don't know this really until you get talking to someone.

It appears, in my opinion, you've a strong desire to come across as super high standards and not tolerating anything you don't like. Sadly I think the impact you actually had was flouncy, hard work and infantile. I don't think you came across well either. Incompatible, both dodged a bullet.

Well ... despite announcing at the start that she was 'confident in her response, just wanted to hear others' opinions'... she flounced from here too!
😅

Helfs · 09/03/2024 22:24

Jom222 · 09/03/2024 22:15

Yes we women are so violent LOL.

Show quote history

You’re the one who said(lied) you’d chuck a drink

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/03/2024 22:22

Jom222 · 09/03/2024 22:15

Yes we women are so violent LOL.

Show quote history

In fairness, screaming expletives at someone and throwing your drink in their face is a fairly violent response 🤷‍♀️

Swipe left for the next trending thread