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Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 09:14

Yes I paid for the second round of drinks
But mine was unfinished so he got more of his money’s worth if this is all some ppl can think about lol.

OP posts:
Helfs · 09/03/2024 09:14

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:16

I think it is a reasonable question but depending on who he asks and his motives?
I’m not his bro in the locker room

Even if it was pure out of curiosity, it shows me he has no emotional intelligence to ask this to a woman 1 hour into the first date, especially since there were no sexual undertones to our exchanges ever.

Show quote history

You were on a date though. Not at a networking event

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:13

@Onelifeonly

Fully agree.

Having boundaries does not have to equate to treating people badly.

MightyGoldBear · 09/03/2024 09:12

Well done op keep those standards high.

For me it's the insinuation that he couldn't imagine living a life without sex for any amount of time. Implying he has subscribed to the myth of blue balls and men need sex to function. The entitlement.

I like my partners more intelligent self aware and self disciplined. You are absolutely free to walk out and not waste your time. It's time women stopped tip toeing around mens fragile ego's.

bumblebutt28 · 09/03/2024 09:12

You have boundaries and acted in a way that felt right to you.

I don't think I would have reacted the same. It wouldn't bother me that much as a stand alone comment but that's me.

Yanbu, neither is your friend who said it's an OTT reaction. We are all different.

Gingertam · 09/03/2024 09:12

Totally agree with you. Not sure why some people are giving you a hard time on here. He would have given me the ick. Far too personal to ask on a first date.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:12

not all communication is done verbally so what I did communicated to him exactly what you said

Indeed it did.

Had you paid for drinks at this point?

It was rude, there's no question. It's fine not to care about that. However, from that one question you don't know if he's a dick or just making a clumsy comment - and you've walked off & left him there.

If you found yourself in the same position, you'd be feeling embarrassed and possibly confused. It was unnecessary.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:09

Women have to stop thinking they must always be apologetic and avoid hurting men's feelings at all cost.

Nonsense. Where in the words I quoted is there any apology? There's none. There's a statement of thought & action.

It really is toxic thinking

Using one's words & behaving appropriately to other humans is not toxic.

Onelifeonly · 09/03/2024 09:08

Startingagainandagain · 09/03/2024 09:05

''@EarringsandLipstick

I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better.

Exactly.''

No!

Women have to stop thinking they must always be apologetic and avoid hurting men's feelings at all cost.

It really is toxic thinking.

Why? I'd expect a man to apologise to me if he felt he had to leave, why wouldn't a woman do the same?

Why should it be OK for women to treat men badly but complain when men do it to them?

keenhell · 09/03/2024 09:08

I’m with you, OP.

Sex can be discussed of course, but within 1 hour of meeting? Nope! I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with that either and while I probably wouldn’t have walked out I most likely would have made an excuse to leave early and never look back.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 09:08

Livelifelaughter · 09/03/2024 09:02

I would feel uncomfortable about being asked the question. But I also think people say really stupid things on first dates because they are anxious and nervous. I think to walk out without saying anything is a bit unforgiving and I wouldn't have done that. I think it's quite rude, I know that's not what you want to hear but I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better. He hasn't sworn, been rude to you, he's asked a personal question that you feel has been asked too soon and it's made you feel uncomfortable, and I would also, but he might have apologised to you.

Well not all communication is done verbally so what I did communicated to him exactly what you said

If I was rude or not or if he was rude is up to individual perceptions I guess

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 09/03/2024 09:05

''@EarringsandLipstick

I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better.

Exactly.''

No!

Women have to stop thinking they must always be apologetic and avoid hurting men's feelings at all cost.

It really is toxic thinking.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:04

You decided you were put off and annoyed and you did not want to waste more time on him, there was no reason for you to drag this on.

Sure. But it doesn't mean you can't simply say this, end the date in a reasonable way, and still be asserting a boundary.

The drama of it ...

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:03

I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better.

Exactly.

Startingagainandagain · 09/03/2024 09:03

Well done OP.

Some of the comments on this thread though...raise your standards.

This is a complete stranger and the first 'date' is usually just a brief meeting/an opportunity to find out what they are like and then decide if they are worth dating.

More women should be like you OP rather than always overly concerned about being 'nice' and 'polite'.

You decided you were put off and annoyed and you did not want to waste more time on him, there was no reason for you to drag this on.

Maybe he has learned something in the process too. Online dating has made men lazy.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:02

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

I think this is ridiculous.

Absolutely, if you felt his question crossed a boundary, say so. Even finish the date.

But I think saying nothing & walking out is just over-dramatic. Use your words, then leave if you wish.

Maybe he DGAF - or maybe he felt humiliated & mortified. Crass or intrusive his question may have been, but I don't think he deserved the reaction you gave.

Livelifelaughter · 09/03/2024 09:02

I would feel uncomfortable about being asked the question. But I also think people say really stupid things on first dates because they are anxious and nervous. I think to walk out without saying anything is a bit unforgiving and I wouldn't have done that. I think it's quite rude, I know that's not what you want to hear but I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better. He hasn't sworn, been rude to you, he's asked a personal question that you feel has been asked too soon and it's made you feel uncomfortable, and I would also, but he might have apologised to you.

Jifmicroliquid · 09/03/2024 09:02

Honestly? I’d have just laughed and not thought much of it.

FOJN · 09/03/2024 08:58

Your boundaries are yours to decide and your responsibility to maintain.

How other people may have responded is irrelevant.

I'm glad you are happy with your decision.

Women should be encouraging other women to trust their gut even if they would have reacted differently.

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:57

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:54

It was not even a boundary thing I don’t think

It just made me feel so completely empty and hollow being there, I just didn’t see the point of spending one more second or saying anything - I just had nothing to say really, not even goodbye

Show quote history

Well if you felt like that then I think you did what you needed to do.

Datings awful. I did meet a nice one in the end though. They are out there!!

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:54

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:47

I’m wondering OP - is having and enforcing your boundaries a new thing for you? Is it something you’re learning about?

I had an awful relationship many years ago where I didn’t/wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. When I left I was single for a long time and then ended up having several encounters where I ‘tested’ what my boundaries were and how I was going to go about enforcing them.

Again, genuinely, you felt a boundary had been crossed and you left. That’s great.

It was not even a boundary thing I don’t think

It just made me feel so completely empty and hollow being there, I just didn’t see the point of spending one more second or saying anything - I just had nothing to say really, not even goodbye

OP posts:
Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:50

The funny thing is…

3 years single without a relationship/FWB/ONS involves being with another person

One can have sex with oneself and it can be much better than be with somebody you don’t fancy

Being single for 3 years does not automatically mean I’m asexual or low sex drive or whatever

Maybe he was wondering about mastubartion

But the main issue was the question being asked within 1 hour of meeting me - there was not enough rapport for me and it didn’t feel natural - it showed me he is not the kind of man I’d like to know more but also pretty rude - c’mon now, he is in his late 40s and divorced - two teen daughters?

I walked out and said nothing because I was so gobsmacked I literally had no words

Dating is supposed to be fun, if he knew how to conduct himself I could have even given him the info freely out of my own choice later down the line maybe.

OP posts:
Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:47

I’m wondering OP - is having and enforcing your boundaries a new thing for you? Is it something you’re learning about?

I had an awful relationship many years ago where I didn’t/wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. When I left I was single for a long time and then ended up having several encounters where I ‘tested’ what my boundaries were and how I was going to go about enforcing them.

Again, genuinely, you felt a boundary had been crossed and you left. That’s great.

C1N1C · 09/03/2024 08:46

Also, as a courtesy, did you at least pay for your drink?

"We just had a £300 taster menu, but right as the coffee came at the end, he said he didn't like cats, which is a dealbreaker for me, so I got up and left".

That's an extreme example, but could be seen as a 'convenient' way of just getting free stuff.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/03/2024 08:42

I'm all for you having boundaries and enforcing them, but I find it really rude that you just stood up and left. Did you really do that without saying anything?

I would have at least told him why I was leaving. As pp have said, they wouldn't have minded the question, so I think that just walking out on him was OTT.