To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

@GelatinousDynamo did you reply to her later?

I have.
My mother in law tried shit like this once. Once only. She got told in no uncertain terms where to go.
My own mother tried the same and she got told where to get off too.
No one interferes with my household or how I run it.
As for my husband's brother's and sisters, I don't give a shit what they have to say about it, they don't mean anything to me.
Rather than complain about how people are treating you, do something about it right from the very start.

If she was really trying to help she would listen to her son and DIL and not think she knows best when it comes to other people’s property. Did you even read what she did to their dogs?

The excuses and emotional manipulation made on these threads for family members is sad, especially when posters didn’t read the OP’s posts or didn’t read them properly.

I would love a FIL to come and help with the garage roof and MIL tidy up

Er....thats not what she was doing though was it? she ruined OP's garden, made her dog ill, and replaced family photos with photos of herself. Would you have enjoyed your FIL doing that?

I've never had a parent or parent-in-law come round to help because they always lived too far away. And even if they hadn't, we're perfectly capable of doing things for ourselves, just like they were. Hth.

Yes, she sounds unwell or very insecure and needy. Make a list of jobs, such as cleaning the gutters, washing out the wheelie bins, cleaning outside windows, cleaning the oven or anything which you hate doing yourself, just to keep her busy but also make her feel needed. She obviously has too much energy so put it to good use. Sadly she may need to be supervised to stop her wandering off course! As well as bizarre, her behaviour is just rude.

She's missing her ewelamb and can't let go.

Why do PIL come around when DH is WFH??

They are only welcome when he isn't working and can supervise. It does mean whatever DIY help FIL gives won't be able to happen anymore.

You need to set boundaries with your husband. MIL is his guest. He is responsible for all hosting related to MIL. Because she isn’t capable of being in your home unsupervised, he must supervise her and prevent her from “helping out” in your home. If he isn’t willing or able to supervise and stop MIL, then she can’t visit. If he and FIL have work to do, they need to take MIL with them or don’t bring her over to begin with.

It doesn’t matter if MIL is mentally unwell, it isn’t your problem. I believe MIL does this stuff as a way to “mark her territory”. She considers herself as the authority of anything related to her family. She rearranges your home because she believes she has authority over anything having to do with your husband. As the ultimate authority, her way of doing things is best and everyone needs to let her make everything her way. I wonder if the clothes she ruined are things she didn’t like to begin with. In a round about way, she is also trying to show your husband that her way is better than yours.

I have both relatives and in-laws like MIL. I had to take a keys away from relatives because they would let themselves into my home while I was at work and replace my decor, clothing and food with things they liked because they believed their choices were better than mine. When I worked the overnight shift, my MIL would show up at my house while I was sleeping to “show me the best way to clean and cook”. Then she would complain to my DH that I was lazy for sleeping while he was at work and ungrateful for not taking her instruction. She also frequently gifted us decor items that were not even close to our taste and sometimes even stuff we specifically said we don’t like. The final straw was when she let herself into our back garden and spread an entire xl bag of cat food across the yard. When we let our dogs out in the garden the next day, not knowing about the cat food, they ate the food and were ill for days. She believed the cat food was better than the fresh food I made our dogs from recipes provided by our veterinarian.

That's so sweet of you to think that.

You have obviously never encountered someone like this.

Telling them would (from my experience)cause a huge meltdown of how she always gets things wrong and she is only trying to help.

THen phone calls from the brothers saying how upset she is and how dare you treat her like that.

You need to stand your ground with her and tell her to back off!

yabu

@Pinkmoose is destroying a garden or clothes helping?

I really don't think I'd care but my parents aren't alive and neither are my husband's.They passed away before we got married. I would love a FIL to come and help with the garage roof and MIL tidy up. But that's probably down to 23 yrs of literally doing everything ourselves. Maybe she is trying to help but just going the wrong way about it.
Perhaps she just wants to feel needed it's lonely when no one needs you anymore.

If she has a key take it back or change the locks. Definitely don’t leave her in your house alone.

Thank you!

Get her targeted on something she can do. Manage it so she's busy when she's round yours.

Don't retaliate by doing the same . After at least a week of letting her fester send her a message telling her you know that she knows that she's done wrong and that you and your husband are both FURIOS -in fact get your husband to send the message As she hasn't learned her lesson before she is no longer allowed to be in your home and helping is only useful when it's wanted and actually helps which her help isn't and doesn't!

I'm sorry, I misunderstood and thought the lady was much older , my mistake , sorry.

Soulou · Today 21:47

What she did was very wrong. Is she showing signs of dementia, it comes in many forms, may e have a word with fil or dh

Yeah, say to FIL in front of her, "I'm actually getting very concerned that MIL seems unable to understand that she has no business interfering the way she does - have you discussed it with the GP? Have you had her assessed for dementia?"

Do this and hide stuff too while you're at it!! 😜

Yes, I agree with this. When you said she moved your photos around to insert one of her and your DH, in a frame with hearts around it, it sounds like her non-verbal message is “He’s my boy, not yours, I loved him first and I’m number 1 in his life, not you”. She sounds emotionally stunted and it’s sad that she seems to feel that you and she are in competition for his love. She can’t be happy for him that he’s found a life partner, she sounds deeply angry and envious and jealous. The cleaning and rearranging despite being clearly asked/told not to suggests that she’s trying to gain a sense of control and power, that she knows what’s best for you, and also maybe an unspoken criticism of you - “You don’t keep a nice clean home for my poor darling boy”. I don’t know what to suggest... She sounds very defended and manipulative. It sounds like anything you said to her she’d turn around so she was the wounded, hurt, rejected one everyone should feel sorry for. She really seems incapable of responding in an adult way. Like others here I think the only thing you can do is repeat clearly that you don’t like her tidying and cleaning /rearranging, you’re asking her one last time to desist, and that if after this she does it again, she is not welcome to visit. It is your home and what you want comes first. You’re dealing with a child in an adult body (not meant as a criticism, it just sounds like she’s not able to process her emotions or have much insight into how to relate and navigate issues). And then absolutely and calmly stick to it if/when she does it again. Therapy/counselling would no doubt help her, but that would of course involve her having to admit to herself that she might have a problem, and she’s stuck in a narcissistic way of thinking: If only everyone would do exactly as I tell them I wouldn’t have to get upset.

This isn't helpful at all but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only person with a MIL like this!
Mine comes to my house and feels the need to do my washing when I'm not home and this includes my underwear. I was mortified.

She even buys mothers day presents and gives them to my son to give me. Fathers day she buys her son presents and gives them to him with my child.
My brother in law helped stop this for us this year as this was the first year he was supposed to buy mother's day presents for my sister in law.

What is with mother's not letting go of their sons! I pray I'm not like this when my boy grows 🤣

But OP already did this and this woman whips up her family in support. More engagement directly is unlikely to pay off. That's because this is someone who actively wants a conflict.

Usually people do back off. But you also get these people who actively like it. Different thing

WTAF???!!! I'm around that age. Thank you for telling me I'm an old lady who doesn't have long left 🙄😡. How bloody dare you?