To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

I’d take this. If my IL’s came over while I was out DH would have stopped everything he was trying to get done to make them tea and sit around and chat so I would come home to none of the jobs done and the house in a worse mess, would take cleaning over that anyday!

My mum is like this. Talking to her was so frustrating. It’s as you say: like talking to a child. The only thing that worked for me was setting firm boundaries. We just make sure she is never alone in my house. If we have to leave her alone for 5 minutes we lock all cleaning products behind a locked door. I kid you not. At one point it got so bad she was not allowed to stay when she visited, they had to go to a hotel.

I live in slight organised chaos. If anything gets moved around I would be lost and livid and not able to relax until all was put back as it was

She's not like a teenager, she's like a toddler. Never allow her to be unsupervised in your house. Ever. Just no. If FIL is doing DIY with DH, she either stays at home or sits with them.

Just be blunt "mil you are a menace to my mental health and so going forwards I will be poking you in the face with a hot metal skewer every time you touch something that does not belong to you" - failing that just ban her from the house. 😁

It's such a terrible habit that some parents get into in that they cannot understand why their offspring want to do things differently, ranging from the trivial to the life changing. I think it's such an important part of being a parent to accept that your children will make their own choices in life (yes, even the way they arrange their cutlery draw) and generally its best to shut up about it.

Her reply is infuriating. She has no intention of making any effort to stop her behavior. She didn’t even acknowledge that she purposely and knowingly did exactly what you didn’t like. I would put my foot down with DH and let him know that if she does it again, she is no longer welcome in your home. It is his responsibility to keep her in line and if he fails to do so, he must enforce consequences.

She isn’t a confused old lady. She isn’t being nice. She knows her behavior is hurtful to the OP and she continues it because she gets something out of it. She enjoys being the victim for “trying to help” and “loving too much”. One thing she is doing is sewing seeds of strife in OP’s marriage. She is counting on OP being upset and DH feeling “put in the middle”. The best way to shut this down is for DH to put his foot down hard. Tell her that if she does it again, he will no longer be welcoming her into his home and not budge an inch.

It can be difficult for people whose families are supportive and loving to understand how what on the surface seems like a nice, but misguided gesture, can actually be anything but. When someone repeatedly and purposefully disregards your boundaries, you begin to feel violated. When someone continuously ruins your belongings, snoops and violates your privacy and causes you extra work, you stop believing the “good intentions” they claim and start seeing them as someone who wants to cause harm.

Especially when these same females are also mothers…..

@Emotionalsupportviper I was furious! I'd been purposefully training it to cover the fence and I came home to it completely chopped and dead.

My MIL used to do this sort of thing. She hasn’t been in my house for the last 15 years!

Excellent! Lesson learned! 🌹

She does sound way ott, but a more gentle approach would probably be better in the long run.

Perhaps focus on the positive, she saved you a job and probably means well overall. Thank her for the cleaning but say next time could you please..... etc.

It's not worth falling out over something that could be made better with a more gentle approach.

All that in one visit?😱

And STILL, someone will be along in a minute to tell you DH has only got one Mum & she'll be gone soon so you've done the wrong thing.

When my rellies used to try the 'she's an old woman & she might not be here next Christmas' line on me, I wanted to say, "If you promise me she'll be dead next year, I'll see her this Christmas," & if they protested I was being heartless, my follow-up line was going to be, "You're the one imagining her being dead." Sadly, I never had the nerve.

This is why my dp has gone nc with his mother she even sent a message today playing the victim because he’d not been in touch for Mother’s Day but the last time she came to the house she soaked our new wooden floors, put the children’s water bottles in the dishwasher (melting them) as well as facing all the knifed upwards, moved my bathroom clothes into the kitchen so I had to bin them all as I didn’t know which ones had touched the toilet and told my dp that we shouldn’t have had children.

You need to guard your house and garden with your LIFE don’t let her be there alone and tell her to stop if she starts doing anything. The cheek!!!

Suggest she gets a job as a cleaner if she’s so concerned about other people’s tidiness and obviously enjoys it!

It sounds like she's had plenty of chances.

Old dog,new tricks etc.

OP, I feel for you, but I think Comms has nailed it.
Sending your MIL the long text in reply has simply brought her (and you) back into her game.
See what she achieved in her reply? A new, more worrying narrative.
Believe me, should (i.e. when) you confront her again, she will reinvent the wheel, and use your most reply as the starting point from which to berate you.
"But I thought we understood each other", " you wanted me to still come round", "I'm not a mind reader" etc.
The bottom line is that she has absolutely zero respect or care for you. You exist, in her world, as a barrier to her controlling her son.
I think you and your husband have to decide what your breaking point is.
She has calculated that you will both give in, try to be "nice" and "reasonable".
It won't work.
If I were you, I would simply never answer the door to her or FIL if he is with her, screen all calls and keep the recordings, ditto with her brothers, and your husband can only see her in his own time and never in your house/on your doorstep.

Or "Oh sorry" at all. She hasn't said that yet, has she.

But if she had just said “oh sorry” she’d be criticised for being too superficial and that she didn’t really understand.

Perhaps she could try "oh sorry" and then stop doing it.

Rainydayinlondon
Well give her a chance to do so! For a society that’s always banging on about “being kind” there’s no chance of forgiveness!

How many chances has she got to be given before she is deemed to be an incurable liar and total PITA who cannot be trusted alone in OP's house or with any of OP's possessions? If this were the first time, maybe OP's could be thought an over-reaction, but it has been going on for "a few years".

Forgiveness, like respect, has to be earned. Merely saying "Oh, I'm sorry" (which in spite of your asserting "For goodness sake she’s apologised, what more does she have to do!!" you might notice MiL has not actually said in her text replying to the OP's: there is no apology in it) doesn't cut it. Deeds speak louder than words; leaving the OP's house and garden in the state in which she found them, at least as many times as the number of years during which she has been fucking them up, might be a start. A provisional start. Not one to be taken for granted.

OP says she's been giving her chances for years. Years.

If someone kept doing stuff in your own house that you had explicitly asked them not to, for years, how many further "chances" do you envision it will take to change things?

Absolutely, but still not bad enough to be labelled a narc ( awful word)

Easy solution to this,the mil could just visit like a normal person and stop fucking about in op home and if dh brothers don't like it...tough tittie.and tell them straight as well.

That was a good message and predictable response. You know the apology is nonsense, given she deliberately brought the photograph and would now be on at least her 3rd or 4th chance but you clearly have experience of how quickly your MIL would escalate things.