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Original poster

To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

686 replies

GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 15:20

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

OP posts:
FeetLikeFlippers · 17/04/2024 19:32

The more of your updates and comments I read, the more convinced I am that your MIL is a covert narcissist. I know narcissism is a word that gets bandied around a lot these days by people who don’t know what it really means, but it’s a genuine personality disorder (usually caused by some kind of loss or trauma or separation in childhood that made the person feel like they had no control over their life) and your MIL has most of the symptoms. I’m pretty sure that if you read up about it, all her weird behaviour will suddenly make sense!

Scaffoldingisugly · 17/04/2024 15:20

If your ddog does actually avoid her that speaks volumes imo.

Easipeelerie · 17/04/2024 14:58

In your shoes I wouldn’t attend any events she’s at, ever. You don’t have to see her- she’s not your mum.

SeatonCarew · 17/04/2024 14:19

Cetim · 09/03/2024 18:01

Honestly I don't mean to sound disrespectful but why are mils so unhinged?. Yanbu she sounds incredibly annoying and is doing emotional blackmail. It winds me up that mils use their children's families to fill a void in their lives its not fair.

MILs are clearly not all, or mostly, like this.

Slightlylostalongtheway · 17/04/2024 03:18

Scarletttulips · 17/04/2024 00:07

I think you’ve had some good advice.

However she will have a script prepared so you need to know net train of thought:

Repeat back to her what she says if it’s a question, and wait, she now has to justify her statement -

‘You were upset when I was only helping’

Repeat ‘I was upset when you were helping?’

Wait

She now has to justify this statement with an answer and she’s not prepared one - it unbalances her.

Get some practice in before Friday, at work at home and watch people struggle to come up with answers!!

Love this! Keeping this one up my sleeve

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/04/2024 00:10

Could you get your DH on board with some revenge tidying? As close as possible do exactly the same to her as she's done to you. I'm not sure how you get revenge for the lawn mowing, does she have any prize plants you could zealously prune at the wrong time of year? I'm not normally confrontational, but if you did everything back to her that she did to you it might actually as a deterrent. I don't imagine for what second she'd see that she was in the wrong, but if it happened every time she might eventually decide it's not worth it.

Scarletttulips · 17/04/2024 00:07

I think you’ve had some good advice.

However she will have a script prepared so you need to know net train of thought:

Repeat back to her what she says if it’s a question, and wait, she now has to justify her statement -

‘You were upset when I was only helping’

Repeat ‘I was upset when you were helping?’

Wait

She now has to justify this statement with an answer and she’s not prepared one - it unbalances her.

Get some practice in before Friday, at work at home and watch people struggle to come up with answers!!

bombastix · 16/04/2024 23:58

Obvious/ - dog picture in the dining area, brief the husband on stopping her mini wife activities, and you passing a box of tissues at the right moment for her inevitable faux sob. She clearly hates the idea of your marriage so it's a team effort. Psychological warfare for this one from you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/04/2024 23:16

She would drive me round the bend! However she likes your dog, why doesn't she have her own dog? It would keep her busy if nothing else.

NaomhPadraigin · 16/04/2024 20:39

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 20:36

To be fair, it’s a day that’s pretty memorable for her.

The birth of my children were very memorable days for me.... but I would never call their birthdays "our special day". How self-absorbed would you have to be???

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 20:36

To be fair, it’s a day that’s pretty memorable for her.

NaomhPadraigin · 16/04/2024 20:36

Good luck@GelatinousDynamo, unfortunately I think you're going to need it.

NaomhPadraigin · 16/04/2024 20:34

"their special day" (that's how she calls his birthday...)
Boke

ill i feel sick GIF
Hidingthegoodchocolate · 16/04/2024 20:22

I too think channelling the Queen is the way forward - every time MIL starts protesting her innocence, raise an eyebrow and say "I remember it rather differently. More peas, anyone?"

To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room
justtidying · 16/04/2024 19:21

I would also use a confused face and say 'I just don't understand what is happening here, we have dealt with that. Let's have a nice family day today and never mention that again.'

And walk away...

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 16/04/2024 18:51

FofB · 16/04/2024 18:11

There's danger ahead. Be prepared. Fully expect her to launch into 'her' side of the story (in it, she's just trying to help.....)

You may wish to then put your side to defend yourself. Don't do this. Just flatly refuse to discuss it. Let it be awkward. Carry on eating, clearing whatever but don't allow her to draw you in. If other people comment, just say 'well you've only got one side of the story', shrug and say nothing else. As others have said, remind her that it your OH birthday and if she persists, she's going to ruin a very pleasant evening. She's in your home, enjoying your hospitality- she needs to understand this.

However, if she upsets that handsome dog of yours, push her into a rocket and launch her into the sky........

I rather like the idea of becoming so so sad and disappointed for her bringing it up over and over again souring the mood on "their special day" (that's how she calls his birthday...), while I've tried so hard to make is special for him...

The dog is to be protected at all cost (and he avoids her so all good).

OP posts:
Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 16/04/2024 18:43

GreenFritillary · 16/04/2024 15:44

I'm waiting to hear if your wildflower meadow survived her mowing, and is coming alive with the spring. Some flowers may have benefitted from the pruning, and some will have been killed but could maybe be replaced? I would love to hear that despite the havoc she wrought, you have nursed it back to life. Then never let her get access with weedkiller.

Sadly, I don't think so... It didn't have time to form seeds last year. But we're sowing again this year, we're not giving up.

OP posts:
Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 16/04/2024 18:41

Scaffoldingisugly · 16/04/2024 14:57

I think ddog has the measure of mil.... Maybe he could be trained to poo in her handbag?.

I have a hunch that this could really backfire, and that the petty little bugger would end up pooping in everyone's handbags... but he shares my love of shoes (his love is more of the unhealthy, violent kind though) and she never listens when I tell her to hide hers from him.... So far I've always saved them, but I might be busy in the kitchen....

OP posts:
Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 16/04/2024 18:35

GingerIsBest · 16/04/2024 14:25

I agree with the short answers. I'd add that it's worht being a bit surprised, perplexed?

Confused look: "But MIL - you apologise, said you'd never do it again and I accepted that. Why do we need to talk about this again?"

Concerned look: "MIL - don't you remember that you've apologised and said it won't happen again and I accepted that. Why on earth are you still bringing this up?"

Very mildly irritated/worried look: "MIL - what more do you want me to say? You've apologised, I've accepted that. I honestly don't see why you keep banging on about this."

I'm off to practice my "surprised Pikachu" face 😂

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 16/04/2024 18:32

"Other recollections vary." And repeat ad nauseum. She's mad.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 16/04/2024 18:23

Bingo. One for you, one for DH. Use her wording. Same comment can be used more than once. Or pick a phrase each. Tally how many times she says your phrase. Loser washes up.

And to those saying she apologised in an early text, she didn’t.

FofB · 16/04/2024 18:11

There's danger ahead. Be prepared. Fully expect her to launch into 'her' side of the story (in it, she's just trying to help.....)

You may wish to then put your side to defend yourself. Don't do this. Just flatly refuse to discuss it. Let it be awkward. Carry on eating, clearing whatever but don't allow her to draw you in. If other people comment, just say 'well you've only got one side of the story', shrug and say nothing else. As others have said, remind her that it your OH birthday and if she persists, she's going to ruin a very pleasant evening. She's in your home, enjoying your hospitality- she needs to understand this.

However, if she upsets that handsome dog of yours, push her into a rocket and launch her into the sky........

bellocchild · 16/04/2024 17:21

FreebieWallopFridge · 08/03/2024 17:05

Oh, just text her. Seriously: yes, I’m angry. So’s husband. You knew we would be and did it anyway. We’ve had enough of you doing this sort of thing. Neither of us has time to put the living room right but that’s what we’re going to have to do now. We won’t be talking to your brothers about this so there’s no point getting them to ring us. If you visit again, you can apologise, but it’s going to be a while before either of us feels like seeing you.

Get your husband onside so he won’t talk to his uncles or have her in the house for a while and then press send. Life is too short for her shite.

This

HollaHolla · 16/04/2024 17:15

Honestly; take her/any keys away. Don't let her come when you're not there.
I had an ENORMOUS blow out with my mother for similar reasons; she 'just thought she was helping'. My kitchen was a mess, with some leftovers lying out, granted, but she swept through, chucked away stuff she wasn't supposed to, and broke a favourite cup. She's done this sort of thing before. She has keys mainly because I live in the town centre, and she uses my visitor parking space/pops in to use the toilet sometimes.

I went postal. Told her she didn't respect me, my home, or my autonomy. If I wanted to live in filth and squalor (I wasn't!), then it was up to me. I told her I was going to go around to her house, and paint it all purple, because 'I thought it was what you'd like'. At that point, she finally understood.
I did take her keys away for about 6 months, though, because I was clear she had broken trust.

justasking111 · 16/04/2024 17:06

I have a little trick @GelatinousDynamo . Where I regally (Imagine you're our late Queen) appear baffled and pretend not to know what someone is talking about. Because

A I'm insinuating it didn't happen or

B it was so petty of them my brain hadn't filed it. Usually leaves people gold fish mouthed.

If they pursue it in company they appear more and more stupid.

Don't think the rest of the family haven't been on the receiving end either. They will have been.