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Original poster

To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

686 replies

GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 15:20

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 17:47

SlipperyFish11 · 08/03/2024 16:32

People will snipe at you for being ungrateful, but they fail to understand that not listening to boundaries people set is one of the most disrespectful things you can do. It's a "I know better/I don't care about what you want" state of mind.

Thanks. That's exactly the way I feel about it. Luckily, DH has finally crossed over to my side.

OP posts:
Hedgerow2 · 08/03/2024 17:47

Plep · 08/03/2024 17:39

Older people have habits that we can't change, you're just going to have to put up with it, you'll be rewarded in the end and your husband will appreciate you more. I've seen it in my own parents, they won't listen no matter how much you ask or beg or get angry with them. It's only going to hurt your marriage. Life throws so many tests at us, this is just one of them, you have your own house. When she's not there you can vent and relax as much as you want. I just think it's only for a day and when she's gone things can go back to normal. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks, but it won't last forever.

Wow - sweeping generalisation there 🙄
It might be difficult to change the habits of some people but that's not necessarily age-related. I'm not far off OP's MIL's age - I think I can tell quite quickly if someone is annoyed by something I'm doing and adjust my behaviour accordingly.

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 17:46

FictionalCharacter · 08/03/2024 16:32

she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". That would have had me absolutely incandescent.

She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process) That would too.

*tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong" Pure manipulation.

text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" She knows very well that you are angry.

Putting a photo of herself in front of the one of your parents is not someone trying to help. It’s someone making a statement and marking territory in your house. She must have brought that photo over with the intention of doing that.

You and dh will just have to get very tough. Either she is not left unsupervised for a single second in your house, or she isn’t allowed through the door, even if that means excluding FIL. Ignore the whining and the scolding from her brothers. Say to her “No MIL, I am not going to let you do this again. You persistently do things we’ve told you not to do in OUR home. You have damaged things. Never again”. And stand firm against the whinging and tears. She’s crying only from self pity.

Have you posted before about her? There have been previous posts about a MIL feeding a dog things he isn’t meant to have, trying to make him like her.

I have, yes, once. But I've seen more than one person post about something similar, so it seems to be a common problem. She's crazy about that dig, it's like a grandchild replacement or something.

OP posts:
tkwal · 08/03/2024 17:45

I love the idea of you doing the same thing at her house , if you have the energy. It might be the only way to make her see how irritating it is

shenandoahvalley · 08/03/2024 17:43

Honestly, with people like this, you have to be totally blunt, preferably in writing.

"I've asked you before not to do xyz in my house. Seems this has fallen on deaf ears so I'm going to spell it out in plain terms: this is OUR home. OUR HOME. It belongs to me as much as it belongs to your son. It does not belong to you at all. You have consistently proven that you are incapable of respecting me and my privacy in my own home. You act in a way that is disrespectful and hurtful to me, that costs me a lot of wasted energy. Your actions have caused problems in your son's marriage to me. You've left me with no choice but to ask you to stay away from my home. I hate that you've put me in a position where I have to say this to my mother in law. I cannot just let these things ride to save your feelings: your actions are negatively impacting mine IN MY OWN HOME. That is in no rational, reasonable, sensible way acceptable and I hope you wouldn't stoop to suggesting it is. Please leave me alone in my own home."

Forward that to the brothers.

Shetlands · 08/03/2024 17:43

OMG this is like Deja Vu. I've been in a similar situation many years ago.

You've done all the polite things and nothing works. The ONLY solution is to take their keys away or change the locks.

It's sad for FiL but he can't stop her so this has to be the last resort. Take no notice of waterworks, complaining by other family members etc. You have to use this last resort or she will be a constant presence in your home while you're not there.

If she'd mowed my wildflower meadow, I would have banned her from the property altogether. I'm really not joking because that's deliberate vandalism.

Cherrysoup · 08/03/2024 17:43

Seriously, get your Dh to g9 mediaeval on her and block her from your phone. She should no longer be allowed to be alone in your house. Fil can come to help etc, she can stay home. I would go nuts at this, last thing you need to do is have to rearrange the fucking living room on a Friday night. Jesus.

DrJoanAllenby · 08/03/2024 17:43

If your husband is not on your side and allows the situation to happen again, then I would surreptitiously break or hide something of high value but non sentimental of his so that you can feign shocked and upset about what his mother has done and hopefully it will enrage him.

Fight fire with fire.

Debtfreegoals · 08/03/2024 17:42

I usually feel bad for some of the MIL threads on here but she’s really really crossing a line. I don’t think I’d mind the shirts or little things… but rearranging furniture and cutting my grass is just too much especially when you’ve asked her not to

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 17:42

waterlellon · 08/03/2024 16:17

Have you tried the upset rather than angry approach. Burst into tears when she mows your meadow.

This is genius. I will do it if there is a next time, fight fire with fire.

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 08/03/2024 17:40

Have you posted about your MIL feeding your dog treats behind your back when you asked her not to?

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 17:40

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 08/03/2024 16:15

Go buy her a hamster, then she can clean that out and feel needed by it only half joking

I would be furious too op, but you are doing the right thing by not replying and leaving it until you've calmed down.

I bought a 2 way pet cam pretty cheaply, get one and then shout at her through it next time she touches your stuff.

We've actually bought her a cat 😂she always wanted one, apparently, and wanted a cat as her retirement gift. But the cat prefers FIL, so it's fallen out of favour.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 08/03/2024 17:40

How much is your DH onboard with cutting her out? Because that’s obviously the only way this sort of thing is going to stop.

You could simply respond “You are no longer welcome in our house.” And refuse to be drawn any further (tell her brothers they aren’t treating you right if they phone to complain). But that only really works if your DH is prepared to back you up.

If your DH isn’t onboard then chaperoning is a possibility, but a difficult one to maintain. I think the poster who suggests you go visit her and move all her stuff around, may have a point. Perhaps ask her if you can do a bunch of things to help before hand, things you know she won’t like and then go ahead and do them when after she says “no”. Rearrange her cupboards. Replace her food with stuff she hates, etc. Then say “I hope you aren’t angry with me. I just wanted to respond in kind.” Big smile and leave.

Alternatively, just be very blunt and honest with her. “Of course I’m angry, as you knew I would be. Why you want to antagonize your son and his wife, I don’t know. You really need to get yourself a better hobby.”

If you want to escalate things, throw out the photo she moved to the front and send her a pic of it in the bin with the text “You missed a bit cleaning, but don’t worry, I fixed it.”

MightyGoldBear · 08/03/2024 17:39

I feel for you op, I have a similar mil rearranged my underwear and tampons so they were under the kitchen sink! De-weeded my pots accept what she thought was weeds were flowers. All sort of weird shit. Still can't accept no or respect boundaries but we have very low contact I leave my husband to communicate and deal with her.

It's all very sad she just doesn't have any purpose or interests going on in her life. Yet could volunteer do all manner of stuff.

Plep · 08/03/2024 17:39

Older people have habits that we can't change, you're just going to have to put up with it, you'll be rewarded in the end and your husband will appreciate you more. I've seen it in my own parents, they won't listen no matter how much you ask or beg or get angry with them. It's only going to hurt your marriage. Life throws so many tests at us, this is just one of them, you have your own house. When she's not there you can vent and relax as much as you want. I just think it's only for a day and when she's gone things can go back to normal. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks, but it won't last forever.

Silverfoxlady · 08/03/2024 17:39

Wow - I would be furious with lack of privacy and respect for property.

Change the locks. Don’t give them a key again!

CurlewKate · 08/03/2024 17:38

What a complete bitch. How very dare she.

bombastix · 08/03/2024 17:37

The telling off is a reward. With people like this, any attention is a good thing. I bet she's been like this for ages!

Hedgerow2 · 08/03/2024 17:37

Could you say something like, "I appreciate you want to help but your poor son has just spent half an hour putting our furniture back the way we want it. And now he's exhausted."

Viviennemary · 08/03/2024 17:37

She was out of order. No doubt about it. Dont ket her in your house again unsupervised by you. Your DH should have said something.

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 17:36

Greenpolkadot · 08/03/2024 16:07

Ask her not to come over..or don't answer the door. A bit difficult if fil brings her ...and you get along with him.
And what's the story of the brothers. Why is she whining to them ?
Don't take any of their shit either...I wouldn't. God it makes me so fucking mad on your behalf.

She's the eldest by almost ten years and I think that she used to mother her brothers when they were children. They are very enmeshed, live very close to each other and meet almost every day. They are always praising her to heavens for being so caring and involved.

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 08/03/2024 17:35

GreyBlackLove · 08/03/2024 16:27

She wants attention really, either gushing thanks or drama she can martyr herself over. I think I'd go with
"No, not angry - we know you struggle with boundaries and inappropriate behaviour, so more disappointed than anything. All put back in place now, but its best you don't come over unless we're both in to avoid a repeat in future".

If you're going to respond I think this is the best option. "I'm nor angry I'm disappointed" is very effective!

What's your DHs view on how to respond out of interest? Because ideally I think you ignore the texts completely and let him send the "were really disappointed" message!

WhenIsTheGeneralElection · 08/03/2024 17:34

My friend had to ban her Dad from looking after the kids when he gave them permission to play with the hose pipe in her kitchen. I think grandparents can be a bit complicated tbh.

StripeyDeckchair · 08/03/2024 17:33

MIL
The fact that you are worried we will be angry means you know you did something that we will not like.
Yes, I am criss
Yea, you have overstepped a boundary by doing something you were asked not to do.
No you will not be allowed in our home unsupervised at any time in the future.
[Ask for key to house to be returned if PIL have one]

Whatwouldnanado · 08/03/2024 17:33

Ask for the key back. Smile and be firm. Take her out once a month or something, have her to yours but for specific reason for a set time, eg lunch before you go out to meet friends at 3pm Aggressive revenge stuff isn’t going to help here. The lady sounds as though she has a mental health issue. If you have time point her to local social clubs, day centres. sounds like FiL will be grateful for a bit of peace too. Good luck.