To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

She does know she’s done something wrong but it appears she really doesn’t care. You have an OP full of all her wrong doings. It’s very passive aggressive particularly with the victimhood afterwards.

He even sarcastically asked me to today if his mother "misbehaved again" yesterday

I'd have replied calmly, 'Slightly, yes. She's obviously pushing boundaries again by asking to dog sit. Let me be abundantly clear - and you can phrase this however you like to her - she is never going to be alone in my home again. That's it. No dog sitting. No cleaning and re-arranging my possessions. No damaging my plants. Nada.'

That's very disappointing.

My DH does have my back, he doesn't always notice (as it's conditioning) but he is very sympathetic and it makes such a difference.

I'd recommend the Toxic In-laws book by Susan Forward, the strapline is "How to save your marriage." and it was a lot more interesting than I expected.

Dog is so cute.

I think he just wants an easy life. Probably the same with MIL’s brothers. They can’t face the trouble she’d cause if someone stood up to her.

Yep my DH is the same.

Remind dh who he made vows to. Or he will find himself spending a lot of time at her home.... Like all the time..

I'm so sorry about DH. I'd be fuming. Is he a bit dim not to notice her mind games?

Great response.

I've been practicing the phrase - 'no thanks that doesn't work for me' for both DH and MIL. On repeat. With no further elaboration. It's hard but keep going. They will get the message.

Then turn it back to DH

"So you don't have by back? Your Mum really hasn't done things like XYZ every time she has had access to our home? You didn't agree that she isn't allowed here on her own? You don't agree that she ignores our very reasonable rules around the dog? Do we need to do couples therapy to work through this?"

All you can do is keep setting the boundary and saying no.

You also don’t need to pretend that nothing happened.

<sigh> she doesn’t want to help she is doing things like deliberately destroying a feature in the garden she’d been told to leave alone and ruining your clothes.
You've told her she’s welcome at your home but, but, but and I’m sure she’s very happy with that and nothing will change.
No contact is your only option here.

I feel for you OP it sounds exhausting. From my experience she won't stop. Toxic inlaws are like water. No matter what boundary you put in place they find a way round it or through it. My SIL is the same so childish, spoilt needs her own way always plays victim when a boundary is in place. DH and his siblings speak so highly of how caring she is but she gives with one hand and takes control with another if that makes sense. Constant digs about my weight, my career choices and my parenting choices. Luckily we live 70 miles away so I rarely see them. You sound like you are handling this very well but stay strong!

Just seen your update OP I'm slow off the mark tonight lol

Whatever you do OP don't let her dog sit thats another tactic to access your house whilst you aren't there so she can do what she likes. If she continues to push just say politely "thank you for the kind offer MIL but we have it sorted already" rinse and repeat. If she cries "I'm only trying to help reply calmly "and that's very kind of you but we're ok" she can't twist that around as you being a right cow to her.

@GelatinousDynamo Firstly well done on the LC it sounds like you've used that time to put down boundaries with MIL.

I think your reply is pretty good so go with it. If she pushes it just keep repeating yourself calmly to her "MIL I thought after our chat it was settled." Then change the subject. If she continues "MIL we're here to celebrate DH birthday lets focus on him" or better yet tell DH to shut her down when she starts all he needs to say calmly is "mum please stop its finished. You've agreed you won't do it again I want to enjoy my birthday". Rinse and repeat.

Although I doubt that she will give up easily she sounds like the to type to try different approaches to interfere and push the boundaries. OP you need to wait her out until she runs out of ideas and tactics to stomp your boundaries and she will when she finally realises none of them have worked for her. But really your DH should be stepping up to shut her down and same with her brothers its none of their business. If they interfere tell them straight and fuck their feelings along with MIL's feelings they haven't shown an ounce of respect or consideration of your feelings and boundaries so they aren't entitled to the same from you. If MIL does ruin the night then go even more LC as that seems to work with her and she'll soon realise the more she pushes the more you withdraw from her.

She's batshit. But you knew that.

Definitely do not let her look after torture Fido!!

Actually I'm worried for the dog. Seriously don't let her look after it. It will end up with accidents and need infinite care.

That's what narcs do just as you've got all your ducks in a row, they turn everything upside down. I swear my mother was a witch the way she'd outmanoeuvre me every time.

Your ddog would report you to the rspca if you leave it with mil.

God. She does not have enough to do. How exhausting re the dog. If it too rejects her then I fear for her psychological state

Hope tonight went well and was drama free!

I hope she doesn't spoil dh's birthday?

I hope it isn't too painful a day?

I think you've had good advice to deflect, avoid and just generally not get into it OP. Try your best not to sound irritated as that plays into her hands.